Audacity (Seraph)

When a former priest realises he needs his very own come to Jesus moment, you can be sure it’s a low point.

I thought I was done with these revelations. When it came, the epiphany that I needed to—that I could—walk away from the priesthood hit me like a cricket bat to the head. Now, though, I face nothing but a muddy brain and nebulous plans and conflict upon conflict when it comes to doing what is right.

The one truth over which I have clarity—the only truth, in fairness—is that I love Athena, and I am not prepared to lose her.

Night after night of obsessing and questioning and driving myself crazy, wondering if I did the right thing by abandoning my vows, and the clearest sign God has given me belongs in human form.

Everything I’ve done has led me to her, and I will not walk away.

The memory of her face as she safed out yesterday is so seared onto my consciousness that it affords me no reprieve. It was so fucking shocking. If she’d kneed me in the balls, kicked me in the stomach, it couldn’t have hurt more.

Her show of detachment doesn’t fool me for a second, but Athena is a complex woman. On the surface, she’s the most self-assured person I know. But I can’t quite believe that anyone who knows themselves, at their very core, to be enough, would work so hard. Push so hard. Fight so hard.

I need some perspective. The longer I put off speaking to my family, the worse I’m making the situation, but I could use a pep talk from someone who isn’t saddled with generations of Catholic guilt.

There is no one less saddled with generations of Catholic guilt than Anton Wolff, so I call him and beg him to let me buy him dinner.

God knows, he’ll earn it.

It’s not until I get to the discreet Italian Anton has suggested in Chelsea that I realise he’s rallied the troops. Honestly, I’m relieved to see some friendly faces. I’ve been sitting on my hands all day in an attempt to respect Athena’s need for space, but fuck, has it been hard work.

Anton has roped in his successor, Max, who knows Athena far too well for my taste, Max’s husband, Dex, and our mate Adam.

‘Christ, you look rough,’ Max observes, reaching for one of two open bottles of Brunello. ‘Have a drink, mate.’

‘Thanks,’ I mutter. ‘It’s been a painful couple of days.’ I sink into my seat and run my hand through my hair before blowing out a breath. ‘And now I’ve pissed off most of the Alchemy women, I imagine. They’ve all been abandoned on a Saturday night.’

‘Full disclosure.’ Max nudges the bread basket towards me before pouring a generous measure of wine into my glass. ‘They’re all having a movie night together at Adam’s. We were at a loose end, so we thought we’d tag along. As long as you’re less tedious than the entire Pitch Perfect franchise, you’re all good.’

I grimace. ‘Not sure I can promise that.’

Anton grins wolfishly. ‘If Athena’s involved, you can bet it’ll be entertaining. Shoot.’

I take a slug of the excellent red before giving a terse synopsis of the main events: Athena and I agreeing to give a proper relationship a go; my suggestion that she lead the foundation; her bold recommendation that we commit to giving away most of our wealth; the gala; Harrington’s appearance; Athena’s exit; my family’s utter moral outrage; and, as a pièce de résistance, my declaration of love right as she safed out on me.

While Dex and Adam have the decency to look dismayed on my behalf, Max and Anton howl with laughter at that last part.

‘Fuck you,’ I tell them.

‘Sorry.’ Anton attempts unsuccessfully to compose his craggy features into a semblance of sympathy. ‘It’s just… you’re a brave man, mate. Rather you than me. That woman doesn’t pull her punches, does she?’

‘I’ve never known Athena to bottle it,’ Max adds. ‘She’s fearless. You must have scared the absolute shit out of her. Rather—this whole situation has scared the shit out of her.’

‘It was horrible.’ I force myself to relive her happiness, her triumph, as we walked in that night. Her excitement over chatting with Dame Sarah Blackwood. She was on fire—until that slimy bastard went for her. Watching the change in her, the way that fire went instantly out, was fucking horrific. I never, ever want to see her that hurt, that humiliated, again.

‘I’m devastated for you both,’ Adam says. ‘Nat loved her—she hasn’t stopped talking about her. Sounds like they got on like a house on fire. She said the dress was perfect on her. I can’t believe she got shafted like that on her big night.’

‘Speaking as a recovering Catholic,’ Dex says with a shudder, ‘I’m right there with her. I can’t imagine how awful she felt when your entire family looked at her like she was a disgusting little sinner. Jesus Christ, I’ve been there. That lens is just so toxic.’

‘That’s the thing, it’s just a lens,’ Adam points out. ‘I’ve been there too, but in my case I deserved it. I committed a terrible crime. I’m still amazed any of Nat’s family give me the time of day. But with you and Athena, who the fuck cares? It’s none of their business, at the end of the day. If you love her, be with her. It’s very straightforward, from where I’m sitting.’

‘I’m still tickled pink that you two have fallen for each other,’ Anton admits. ‘I thought you might have been a nice, juicy challenge for her. You know, corrupt the former priest who’s still stuck in moral purgatory. But she fell hard, by the sounds of it.’

I’m quiet for a moment before I say, ‘We both did.’ I turn to Adam. ‘The reason it’s not that straightforward is because of the foundation. I promised her I’d sort it out, but I’m seriously doubtful that my family will give her their blessing now. They’re so focused on the image we portray to the world. I suspect Mum would rather die than sit back and let a former sex worker take the reins.

‘And because I promised her the earth and now have to renege, I’m bloody petrified that she’ll walk and go straight back to Seraph, looking for another client. She’s so hurt, and she’s so armoured up—you should see her.’

Anton takes a thoughtful sip of his wine. ‘Regarding the foundation, who appoints the CEO?’

‘Me, in theory. It’s a family trust, and everyone should have a say, but it falls under the Rath Mor umbrella, so it’s ultimately my decision.’

‘Hmm.’ His tone is so ominous that I find myself jumping in to expand.

‘This is my chance to prove myself. My mother is still getting over the shame of her son leaving the priesthood. You can imagine.’ I look at Dex, who grimaces sympathetically. ‘I want to do them proud, but I want to do myself proud, too. I walked away from a vocation that simply didn’t feel authentic, no matter how hard I tried, and I came on board to do this. And for the first time in a long time I actually have purpose. I want to do this right.’

‘If you want to do it right, you need to get the right person on board,’ Max says flatly. ‘And you won’t find anyone better to run it than Athena. That’s the truth.’

‘He’s right,’ Anton offers. ‘She’s the dog’s bollocks. You don’t want some ghastly do-gooder running it—you want a fucking shark, and that’s what she’ll bring to the table.’

I smile, despite myself. ‘That’s exactly why I offered her the job.’

‘It’s bloody genius,’ Max says. ‘Honestly. You realise the universe served you up Athena and solved all your life’s problems in one go?’

‘Hearing my fiancé talk about the universe is still really weird,’ Dex confesses. ‘Darcy’s really getting to you.’

Darcy is Dex and Max’s fiancée and Gen Wolff’s younger sister. The guys proposed to her a couple of weeks ago in Como and they’re all getting married this summer. I’ve only met her a handful of times, but she strikes me as far more of a free spirit than either of them.

‘Hearing you call me your fiancé is still really fucking amazing,’ Max counters, and they grin at each other. The love in their eyes hits me hard. There’s something seriously brave about what they’re doing. Not only has Dex had to walk away from a relationship with his uber-Catholic father, who categorically would not accept his queerness, but the three of them have embraced their unconventional love in the face of widespread scrutiny. After all, Max is the only openly queer CEO in the FTSE 100 currently.

Compared to what they’ve had to face, my own woes seem relatively immaterial.

I love a woman.

She, I choose to believe, loves me.

We’re both free agents.

This problem should not be insurmountable.

‘Let’s cut to the chase,’ Adam says after our main courses have been served, and I’m reminded of the benefit of having your sounding board be made up of serious hitters with exceptional cognitive abilities. ‘And I say this all with the complacency of someone who is not in your shoes, mate. But you need to find a way to hold onto her, first and foremost. You love her, it sounds like you’re great together, and there’s no fucking way you should let an irrelevant dipshit like Harrington ruin your chances of happiness.’

‘Amen to that,’ Max says through a mouthful of gnocchi.

‘Second—go talk some sense into your family. If you can’t appeal to whatever Catholic baggage they’re holding onto, appeal to their business brains. You say Athena’s the best person for the job. Sell them on that. And third.’

He pauses, scrunching up his face. ‘For what it’s worth, when you talk about the plans you have for the foundation, it strikes me that you’ve found all that authenticity and purpose you’ve been searching for for so long. And it sounds like Athena’s vision, and all her experience, has been a huge driving factor. So, for God’s sake, find a way to do that together and let yourself enjoy it, mate.’

I nod soberly. When he puts it like that, it all sounds so sensible. So feasible.

‘Can I make an observation?’ Dex asks.

‘Of course.’ I gesture with my fork.

‘Some of these blocks you’re feeling… that reticence could be coming from a place of feeling like you have to keep on atoning for what you did, so you’re playing this role of the dutiful son. But the irony is that if you follow what your heart is telling you—both in your love life and regarding the foundation—you stand a far better chance of stepping into your purpose. Because, let me tell you, otherwise you risk falling into that same trap over and over, and living a quiet, small life, and you’ll never feel like you’re enough, because everything you do is for the wrong reasons.’

He takes a deep breath. ‘One of the things that helped my sister and me finally stand up to our dad was realising that nothing we did would ever be enough. We’d never be pure enough, or devout enough for him. At the end of the day, your parents sound way more rational than my father, but, even if they never come around, it’s better to live with their disapproval than your regrets.’

And there’s my come to Jesus moment.

‘At the end of the day,’ Max says briskly, ‘while we all think you should have a damn good try at changing your family’s minds, you can’t live for them. Their reactions are not your responsibility, nor are they Athena’s, and the sooner that becomes your embodied truth, the sooner you’ll be free to live your life.’

‘I can’t believe you just used the phrase embodied truth with a straight face,’ Anton quips.

‘Texting Darcy right now.’ Dex reaches for his phone.

‘Let me bring this home in slightly cruder, less beautiful language than Dex here managed,’ Anton says. ‘One. Athena is hot as fuck and one of the most incredible women I’ve ever met. I never thought a man would get her to want to settle down, and you have, mate. So don’t fuck it up. Two. If she’s the best person for the foundation job, which it sounds like she is, then persuade your family of what needs to be done.

‘Which brings me to point three. Don’t take offence at this, but now’s the time to step up and manage this situation like a CEO and not a fucking priest. This is the first real crisis you’ve had since you took the reins, which makes you luckier than most. You have a very important vision for the future, and you’ve found the perfect person to execute that vision for you.

‘So if some members of your board think they can discriminate based on that individual’s sexual choices and not on their actual experience and qualifications, then you have to shut that shit down.’

Max nods his approval. ‘Your biggest challenge as a CEO is always going to be making those judgement calls. You need to know that you have what it takes to step up and wield your power when it matters. Athena’s not weak. She doesn’t need you to protect her. But in this moment, she bloody well needs you to fight for her. So stop trying to be noble and keep everyone happy, and fight for what you know to be right.’

He points his knife at me as he delivers his parting shot. ‘And, by the way, mate, the correct moral choice isn’t always the one that seems most seemly, or “proper”. Life would be very boring if it was.’