Ashes to Ashes

KAT TEXTS ME ABOUT AN EMERGENCY PROM COMMITTEE meeting at Ash’s house, seven p.m. It makes sense. We’ve got so much to do. It’s already April.

So after dinner I drive over to Ash’s. I must be the first one to arrive, because there aren’t any other cars in the driveway. Their housekeeper, Sheila, lets me in, and I go straight up to Ashlin’s room. The door is closed, so I knock. She doesn’t answer, so I poke my head in. She’s asleep under the covers. Ashlin has always loved an after-school nap. I clear my throat. “Ash?”

Ashlin stirs and rolls over. “Lil?”

I stand in the doorway awkwardly. “Sorry I woke you up. Is anyone else here yet?”

Groggily Ash sits up. She’s in one of her big cheerleading T-shirts and pink-and-green polka-dot underwear. Her fluffy blond hair looks like chicken feathers in the back. She looks so—Ash. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until this moment. She checks her phone. “What are you talking about?”

“The emergency meeting.” That’s when I realize—this is Kat’s doing. She’s trying to bring Ash and me back together. I can’t believe it. I step in and perch at the edge of her bed. “Sorry. I guess I heard Kat wrong.”

Yawning, Ash eyes me. “So is it true you and Reeve are done-zo?”

I nod. “The whole thing was a mistake from the start.”

“I don’t blame you for breaking up with him. You think you know somebody . . . I mean, bullying a girl so bad she kills herself?” Ash shakes her head.

“I know,” I say quietly. “Who told you?”

“Some girl from yearbook. She went to school with him at Montessori.”

My heart is beating wildly. “What’s her name?”

“I don’t remember. She has blond hair. Pretty. Kinda soft-spoken.”

Chills tickle my spine like piano keys. It’s Mary. It has to be.

Ash continues, twirling her hair around her fingers. “When Reeve transferred back from Montessori, he seemed totally fine, like no big deal. You’d never have known a girl had just died because of him.”

“He was young,” I say, my voice thin. “And I think it hit him a lot harder than anybody knows. He just didn’t let anybody see.”

“True. That’s how he deals, right? He doesn’t.” She leans back against her pillows. “When Ren died, I don’t think I saw him cry once, and he knew her the longest of everybody. He just keeps things locked up inside. Like, I think that being with you might have been his way of not dealing with his pain.”

“We never should have been together in the first place.” Saying it out loud makes me feel like crying, but I know it’s true.

“I don’t know. I still think what went down was a betrayal to Ren. Like, no matter what, it was effed up, what you guys did. But I think you and I both know that Reeve never saw her that way. They never would have ended up together. And he’s always had a thing for you, and Ren knew it.”

“No, he hasn’t,” I say. “He hated me.”

“Maybe so, but freshman year he told Derek that you were the hottest girl in our class and he wanted to hit it.” Ashlin scratches her neck. “You’ve always had a love-hate thing. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I wonder if Rennie’s dying isn’t what finally brought you guys together.”

I let this idea roll around in my head for a second. “What do you mean?”

Slowly she says, “Well . . . I don’t know. I mean, you guys knew her best. So maybe it was a natural thing for you to reach out to each other when she died. Maybe that’s why it was so intense and crazy.”

The thought never occurred to me. Because Reeve and I started having feelings for each other before Rennie died. But now I’m starting to wonder if things would’ve gotten so serious with us if Rennie hadn’t died. We were both grieving for our friend, and then everybody was shunning us and all we had was each other. It was us against the world. I never knew Ash had such a perceptive side. But she’s making sense.

My eyes well up. “I miss you. I know I messed up. But, Ash, high school’s almost over, and I don’t want to leave it like this, with you hating me.”

Ash looks down at her comforter. “I don’t hate you.”

“You don’t?”

“No. I’ve missed you, too,” she admits. “Spring break wasn’t the same without you and Reeve. Kat was so annoying. It’s like, okay, we get it, you’re a badass. You can stop walking around the boat in a wifebeater with a cigar hanging out of your mouth. But I did have fun with that girl Brianna.”

I wipe my eyes with the back of my arm, and Ash offers me the corner of her comforter. “Kat’s actually really cool when you get to know her,” I say. “The badass stuff is just a front.” And then I say, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about me and Reeve. I didn’t want to keep it a secret from you. Things just got so complicated.”

Ashlin nods. “You want to get nachos at Greasy Spoon?” And just like that, our fight, and this conversation, is over. It’s so her. And I’m grateful for that.