Ashes to Ashes

EVENTUALLY EVERYONE COMES BACK TO ONE lunch table but Alex. I don’t know where he eats. I tried to ask PJ about it once, but he just gave me a vague nonanswer, and I gave up. Ash isn’t exactly warm to me, but she isn’t outright ignoring me anymore either. I’ll take what I can get. Alex is the one I can’t stop thinking about. He’s the one I have to make things right with. And Kat’s right. Letting more and more time go by is only going to make a hard conversation even harder.

Friday night I don’t get home until dinnertime because my riding lesson at the barn goes long. I run straight upstairs and hop into the shower because Reeve’s going to be here soon to pick me up for a party—some junior girl PJ is talking to is throwing it, and Reeve thinks we should go and be social. I think it’s because he knows Alex won’t be there; he’ll be at the Preservation Society gala with his parents. Alex’s parents buy a table every year, and my parents always go. That’s where they are tonight.

Last year Alex and I went. We sat with our parents, and we rolled our eyes and laughed at them on the dance floor. We snuck a glass of champagne behind the staircase, and we took turns gulping it down. I kept thinking he would ask me to dance, but he never did.

When I get out of the shower, I sit down at my vanity to comb my hair, and that’s when I see the gala ticket, tucked in between my perfume bottles. I pick it up, hold it in my hands. My mom must have left it for me this morning. When my mom first mentioned the gala, it was right after Valentine’s Day, when things between me and Alex were super weird. I told her I probably wasn’t going, but I’m glad she didn’t listen.

There’s no way Alex will be able to ignore me in front of our parents! He’ll have to talk to me. I leap into action, doing my makeup, putting my hair in a slicked-back bun. I don’t have time to curl it or do anything special. I’m zipping myself into the only long dress I own, a slinky black strapless dress my mom gave me because it was “too youthful” for her, when I remember I’m supposed to go to that party with Reeve.

Shoot.

Before I really think it through, I text him that I’m not feeling well and I’m going to skip out on the party and rest. Reeve immediately texts back a concerned Are you okay???, which makes me feel horrible. But there’s no going back now.

Dinner is being served when I arrive. I hurry over to the table, and Alex’s mother, Celeste, jumps up as soon as she sees me. “Lillia! You look stunning!”

We hug, and then I slide into the empty seat next to Alex. His jaw is hanging halfway to the floor, and then he remembers he’s mad at me and erases the surprise from his face and goes back to indifference. He looks very grown-up in his tuxedo.

My mom turns to me and says, “Lilli! How did you know there was an extra seat at the table?”

“Because you left me a ticket,” I remind her.

“I did?”

“Yes, it was on my dresser.”

My mom looks confused, and then Daddy says, “You look beautiful, honey. Just like your mom.”

“Thanks, Daddy,” I say.

When the adults are talking about one of the vacations up for silent auction, I whisper to Alex, “I came here to talk to you.”

“Then you should probably go.” Alex pushes his chair out and stands up. “Does anybody want anything from the bar?” Celeste gives him a reproving look, and he holds up his hands and says, “I’m getting a Sprite.”

Alex disappears, and he doesn’t come back until dessert. I’ve got a spoonful of cranberry gelato halfway to my mouth when Celeste says delightedly, “The band’s started playing music again! Alex, ask Lil to dance.”

I nearly choke. But it’s the perfect thing. “I’d love to dance.”

“No, thanks,” Alex says, taking a sip of his drink. Whatever it is, it definitely isn’t just Sprite.

Celeste narrows her eyes at him. “Alex Lind!”

Celeste keeps harassing him, and then his dad joins in, and my dad says, “Don’t force the guy.”

At this, Alex finally stands up without looking at me. “Do you want to dance?” He says it like it’s the last thing he wants to do. I’m red-faced as I follow him out to the dance floor. Stiffly he takes my right hand, and I put my other hand on his shoulder, and we don’t look at each other at all. We both look straight ahead. Halfway through the song I know time is running out, and I start practicing in my head what I’m going to say. I care about you so much. You’ve always been such a good friend to me. . . . No, that’s not right. You’re one of my best friends—

“Reeve’s going to hurt you. That’s the kind of guy he is. But maybe you know that already.” I start to pull away from him, so I can see his face, but Alex holds me still. “I want you to know one thing.”

My heart beats painfully hard inside my chest. “What?”

“When he breaks your heart, I won’t be there waiting. I’m done.” And then the song is over, and Alex lets go of me and walks away.

I make some excuse as to why I have to leave, but I can’t remember what I tell my parents and the Linds. And I don’t wait for permission. I just mumble something, grab my clutch, and go.

My hands shake the whole ride home. Once I’m in my driveway, I don’t get out of the car right away. I’m lost in that moment, hearing Alex’s voice. When he breaks your heart, I won’t be there waiting. I’m done.

I’ve wanted to have it both ways. Both boys. I’ve never told Alex no, not really. Because I like the way he makes me feel. Because . . . maybe I do have some feelings for him. Maybe that’s why this has been hurting me so bad. It’s why I don’t care about Ash or PJ or anybody else being mad at me. Because none of that’s important compared to the thought of Alex hating me.

I’m finally getting out of the car when headlights shine behind me. I turn around, thinking it’s my parents coming home early. But it’s not. It’s Reeve.

He shuts off the engine and jumps out of the truck, holding a plastic bag. He stops short when he sees me. In my dress, with my red lipstick and my hair done up. He frowns in confusion. “Why are you all dressed up?”

I step toward him, and then I falter. “I—I went to that Preservation Society benefit tonight.”

“I thought you said you didn’t feel well.” Realization is dawning over his face. Realization and hurt. He holds out the bag to me, which I take. I open it, and there are candy bars inside.

“I’m sorry,” I say, wringing the bag in my hands. “I should have told you I was going. I just—I wanted a chance to talk to Alex alone.”

“You mean without me around.”

“No. I mean, maybe.” I bite my lip. “Alex is really important to me—”

Incredulously, Reeve says, “More important than me?”

“Of course not!”

“Then what the fuck, Cho! You lied to me so you could go to some party with him?” He’s panicky. Pacing.

“I just wanted to talk to him, to try to explain—”

Reeve shakes his head. “So now what, you two are buddy-buddy again?”

“No.”

“But you wish you were.”

“Reeve, just because you and I are together, that doesn’t mean I’m cutting him out of my life.” I swallow hard. Not that it matters anymore, because he’s already cut me out of his.

“Well, what did he say?” He’s suddenly quiet. Nervous.

“Nothing.”

He takes a step toward me. “Tell me, Cho. He had to have said something.”

“Reeve, I . . .” I struggle for what to say. Should I be honest and tell him the terrible things Alex said about him? Every second that passes, Reeve looks like he crumbles. And then I realize he’s afraid I’m going to break up with him. “I want to be with you, okay?”

Reeve’s face clears, and he grabs me and hugs me so tight. Reeve is the one I am with. And if this is really going to work with us, I need to set these feelings for Alex aside for good. I have to let him go, because he’s already let go of me.

Good-bye, Lindy.