Alpha Killian

Heaven was nothing like I thought it would be.

No family members welcoming you home, no pearly white gates. No sense of peace and happiness.

Heaven was floating in the darkness, wondering how the h**l you got there. Slowly being tormented by memories and mistakes you had made. The worst of it was over, I had come to find out. I wasn't drowning anymore.

I would've embraced my pitch black darkness if it weren't for the constant beeping that was emanating from everywhere.

Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep.

A steady constant sound.

A strange sensation came over my body- if that's what you'd call my spirit or whatever. Something I thought I would never feel again. Sparks.

All at once I was blasted in the face with memories, each one embedding itself into my skin as I began to plummet through the darkness. Finally, I landed.

The only way I could describe the feeling was comparing it to running headfirst into a brick wall.

I could feel my fingers twitch, followed by a soreness radiating up my arm. My toes followed next.

Reality began to set in and I realized something.

I had failed.

My only chance at escape and I royally screwed it up. I prayed my vague memory of being marked by Alpha Killian was all a lie. There would be no option of ending my life if I were marked. While I was willing to carelessly throw away my own life, I wasn't willing to do the same to him.

I laid on the soft surface, keeping my eyes shut as I let my other senses take in my surroundings.

"I know your awake, Claire." The deep melodic voice sent chills down my spine, pulsing into the depths of my mind and awakening my sleeping wolf.

I could feel Sierra stir at her mate's voice, but she kept her distance. I could feel her shame, her saddness. She blamed herself for not protecting me.

At the sound of Alpha Killian's voice, my eyes shot open. Instantly regretting my hasty decision, I cringed at the light that flooded the room. While it looked to be in the late afternoon, the light gave me an instant headache.

I let my eyes wander the room, noticing we were still in Alpha Killian's house. I knew we weren't in the same bedroom because the layout was completely different. Must've been one of the multiple guest rooms he had.

Trying to prolong the inevitable, I let my gaze wander to Alpha Killian. He was sitting on an armchair, his arms crossed against his chest while one leg was pulled up and rested on the other.

I could feel so many different emotions from him. Anger, rage, saddness, anxiety, stress, joy, longing...

If I didn't focus on the details, Alpha Killian was his typical g*d-like self, But I couldn't help but look closely at him. Dark circles embedded themselves under his eyes, while his hair looked greasy and tangled. I wondered how many times he ran his hand through his hair in frustration. His clothes were crumpled, as if he had been wearing them for days.

How long had I been out for?

"A week, seven days." Alpha Killian's deep voice captured my attention. My eyes flickered to his chapped lips. He looked stunning, handsome, and awful. All at the same time. I was positive I hadn't asked that question out loud. Is he some kind of mind reader now too?

His lips twitched, giving me all the indication I needed,

"I can't read your thoughts. We can pickup some of each others thoughts from the mark. You aren't really attempting to keep your thoughts to yourself. You're practically throwing them at me." Alpha Killian tried to sound amused, but the emotion didn't reach his eyes. He looked tired, really tired.

Alpha Killian shifted forward, resting his elbows on his thighs, and his face on his hands while he watched me intently. I scowled at him as the blood rushed to my face. His eyes on mine were enough to make my blood boil, and my fingers twitch with the urge to touch him.

The stupid mark had done it's job. Our bond was stronger than ever, despite the fact that we weren't even in love. H**I, I wasn't even sure if I liked the guy.

We sat like that for a few moments. His silver eyes locked on my face while I waited for the inevitable string of questions.

"Do you know how deep you would have to cut to end a werewolf's life?" Alpha Killian asked, any amusement gone from his tone. I squirmed under his gaze, knowing he didn't expect an answer to that question. Instead, I chewed on my chapped lip. Hoping my eyes could give him answers that I couldn't.

"Why?" He asked slowly, his tone telling me he didn't just want an answer, he needed it.

"Give him something, Claire, Anything."

My wolf whispered, pleading with me.

"I just-" The sound of my voice made me cringe, my tongue feeling like sandpaper against my teeth.

Silently, Alpha Killian placed a glass of water in my hands and watched as I downed the entire thing.

"I couldn't take it anymore. I had it all shoved away inside of me. The closer you got, the more it would come to the surface. It all came back, Killian." I whispered, feeling ashamed.

As much as Alpha Killian pretended not to care, my decision sure caused him a lot of pain.

He sat there silently, his face a mask, but I could see something happening in the depths of his silver eyes.

"You know you can't try that again, right?" His full lips turned down ever so slightly as his eyes roamed my face.

"I know." I whispered back, my eyes locked on my hands.

"Were going to get you help, Claire. Whether you like it or not." Alpha Killian's deep voice sent a tremor of both fear and longing down my spine. His command sounded that of an Alpha, full of power and authority. My shoulders slumped, and a tired sigh came from my lips. I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore.

What were my options? I couldn't k**I myself and risk ending Alpha Killian's life. But what chances of happiness did I truly have? Even if I somehow managed to get better, there was no way in h**l Alpha Killian would still want me. Why on earth would the biggest, baddest Alpha want a emotionally disturbed, suicidal mate?

My self loathing thought hung in the air around us, like a question begging to be answered. I wondered how much of my thoughts he really could hear.

As usual, his face gave away nothing.

"Kira wants a word with you once you're feeling up to it. Just a warning, she's extremely upset." Alpha Killian stated, his face the same emotionless mask as before.

I could still feel some of his own emotions lingering in the air around us, but it was hard sort between his and my own.

"There is someone you need to talk to though," Alpha Killian scowled, like he didn't agree with the idea, "I won't be far, I'll be back as soon as she leaves."

I could feel Alpha Killian's reluctance at leaving me by myself. My eyebrows knitted together in confusion. Who would need to talk to me? I was almost positive he hadn't told my family what happened.

As Alpha Killian opened the door to leave, he turned back to me one last time.

"I like when you call me Killian, little mate." His deep voice was unusually soft as he gave me one last look, and left the room. The butterflies I had grown so familiar to, swarmed to life in my empty stomach. In the back of my mind, I could hear Sierra whimper.

My breath lodged itself in my throat as Alpha Killian left the room, and a familiar face entered.

*

"Maria." I felt my jaw drop as my eyes took in the girl I was once friends with.

Not much about her had changed. She was still gorgeous, her hair long and blonde. She seemed to be trying to place her own emotionless mask on her face, only letting it drop when Alpha Killian had finally left the room. "Claire." Maria smiled sadly, sinking into the armchair that Alpha Killian had once sat in.

My mind reeled at the sight of her. After what had happened to me, I could only assume the worst. She had never returned to school that year, and neither had Damien or Blake.

"Claire?" Maria's soft voice sounded concerned as she leaned forward.

"Oh u-uh, sorry." I sputtered, "I just- I didn't know what happened to you. I should've made sure you were okay." I choked out, feeling my heart clench at the sight of her. More things to regret.

"Do I need to come in there?" A familiar deep voice echoed through my mind, startling me.

"Killian? No- everything's alright. Just a surprise." My voice sounded strained, even in my own head. "She was there wasn't she? When it happened..." I could feel his reluctance to ask swirling in my head. My voice sounded small, "Yes." I kept my reply short, ignoring the pain that swirled in my chest. "I don't blame you, Claire." Maria's face softened as she gave me another sad smile.

"Y-You don't?" My voice came out unsure. I never went back for her, I never even tried to call for help. I was so concerned with my own survival, and dealing with what had happened to me, I never even considered what happened to her. "Not at all..." Maria trailed off, taking a deep breath as if she were readying herself for what she was going to say next, "I saw what they were doing to you... you could'nt have come back without getting caught again." She sounded so much older, even though she happened to be the same age as me.

"Did they..." My voice trailed off as I tried to force the words from my lips. The words tasted like acid on my tongue, but I managed them as well as I could, "Did they... hurt you too?" My voice sounded so quiet, I'm surprised she even heard

me.

"No, they didn't" Another sad smile, but her eyes twinkled softly, giving me some hope that her ending was happy.

"I didn't know it at the time, but I stumbled onto a pack's land. Me being human, I had no idea. I was surrounded by wolves, and they all started turning into weirdly attractive, naked men." Maria giggled, and even I couldn't resist giving her a small smile. "That's how I met Devin. I'm his mate." She radiated happiness at the mention of her mate, and some tiny part of me envied her.

"How are you here then?" I frowned, knowing the Blood Moon Pack wasn't anywhere near the swimming hole we had went to.

"Devin is from this pack, he was visiting for the Alpha." Maria smiled, a blush creeping up her cheeks at the mention of her mate. While it was unusual for a werewolf to have a human mate, sometimes it did happen.

"I'm really glad you were safe Maria," My smile was sad, but I felt relieved that she wasn't harmed.

"When I ran into the wolves, I was screaming for help. I told them about you. By the time they made it there, you were gone." She frowned, her eyes looking oddly glossy.

"I got away." I tried to give her a reassuring smile, one that said "I'm alright", but she knew what I had tried to do to myself. She knew I wasn't alright.

"You did, you got away." She smiled back at me.

"Before I go, I just wanted to say" She took a deep breath as she walked up to the bed and sat by my side. Her lips were pressed in a tight line, and her eyes showed she meant business, "I know that I can't possibly understand what they did to you, but you can't just give up. They- they were going to k**I you weren't they? Don't do the job for them. Try and work through what happened to you. You have people here that care about you." Her voice was soft, but had an edge to them. "And it may not always seem like the Alpha cares for you, but he did save your life." Maria pointed out, giving me a playful smirk as she took in my blushing face.

"I'm not sure he had a choice in the matter. His wolf would've never forgiven him for letting me d*e." I huffed, trying to laugh, but it caught in my throat. I know it was stupid to think that way, but I was caught in a game of tug of war. The mate bond yanked me one way, while my pride, trauma and ego yanked me in another direction.

"Mm, I don't believe that," Maria smirked at me, "If you couldn't tell, he's been sitting at your side for a week straight. He's hardly eaten, hasn't slept, and definitely hasn't changed his clothes." She crinkled her nose, but her eyes twinkled playfully.

"I'll come visit again soon, I promise. I live right in town." Maria gave me a genuine smile, patted my hand gingerly, and made her way to the door.

"Oh and I'll send your mate in." She lightheartedly taunted me, sending me a wink as she closed the door behind her.

Almost instantly, Alpha Killian came back into the bedroom. I had a sneaking suspicion he was listening in on the conversation, but I didn't care enough to ask him that. My gaze was solely focused on how tired and worn down he looked. "He helped you...lets help him for a change." Sierra's quiet voice sounded from the depths of my mind.

"I'm not helping him in that way." I growled at her, sounding like the emotional wolf while she sounded like a sane human.

"I didn't mean 'help' like that. He sat with us for an entire week. You can obviously see he hasn't slept or changed his clothes..." Sierra trailed off. She could feel my reluctance, but I could also feel her desperate need to thank her mate for saving our life. As much as I would deny this, I felt horrible for causing him so much distress. The dark circles under his eyes filled me with guilt.

I had so much healing to do, but would I never be able to forget how he looked when I first woke up.

"Fine." I sighed, feeling lonely as she retreated back to the depths of my mind. I reminded myself to have a talk with her before bed. While I held no blame for her, that didn't mean she wasn't blaming herself. Always quick to help others; reluctant to accept any help.