All He’ll Ever Be (Merciless World Series Book 1)

“Please forgive me.” I’ve asked him so many times tonight. This time it’s to his face while he’s conscious, not while his eyes are closed and he’s far away from me, close to death’s door and never able to hold me again.

The second the door closed, I couldn’t help but to plead once more for him to forgive me. “I shouldn’t have left.” I let the words fall from my lips as I make my way closer to him.

He has the darkest eyes I’ve ever seen, but the specks of silver pierce into me… always. The way he looks at me, as if I only exist to be consumed by him, will haunt me until the day I die. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m dying inside being this far away from him. I need to touch him, to hold him and make sure he’s really here. My heart doesn’t believe he’s all right. And it hurts inside of me like no other pain I’ve ever felt.

“As long as you forgive me, I’ll forgive you of any and every sin you’ve ever dared commit. Just love me. All I want is you, Aria. I can’t lose you.” His last words are strained, the pain of his wounds showing even with the steady drip of the IV forcing painkillers into his veins.

I can’t even think about forgiving him, knowing it didn’t have to end like this. I didn’t have to run. It seems childish now, standing in front of him, seeing the consequences of my fear and my rash decision to hide the truth from him and flee from it all.

“Carter,” I say, and his name is a tortured word on my tongue. “I’m so sorry,” I utter painfully as I reach for him, getting closer to the hospital bed and letting my hand fall onto his forearm. My legs are weak; I’m barely able to stand seeing him like this.

My beast, hooked up to a machine and riddled with pain. All because of me and my foolishness.

“Forgive me,” I can barely get the words out, letting everything between us fall. Every pretense, every wall. There’s no room for any of it between us. “I shouldn’t have run from you.”

“I forgive you.” His deep voice is raw. “I already told you I have. All I want is you.”

All the words I wanted to tell him are strangled in the back of my throat, refusing to come out at the sight of him.

“We aren’t perfect. And if I could, I’d go back and change the way we came to be, but I’ll be damned if I’d let you go.”

He’s saying everything I dreamed he’d say, but I still have to tell him and I can’t.

I can’t bear to tell him why I left.

“It’s okay, songbird,” Carter tells me, soothing me and luring me to come even closer. “I love you,” he whispers and that breaks me. Finally, and completely, I break for him. Every piece of me shatters.

And I’ve never felt more complete in my life. Thoroughly ruined for the man I love.

There’s one secret left. One small truth that could change everything. And it won’t be kept hidden any longer.

“Do you want to know something?” I ask him, feeling the tension in my body increased with anxiety. The secret I’ve been holding is going to swallow me whole unless I give it the freedom to be spoken.

With his gaze tired, the exhaustion of everything weighing down the strength Carter possesses, he brushes my cheek with his knuckles, and I take his hand in both of mine.

“Anything and everything,” he tells me and lets out a deep exhalation.

With a small smile wavering on my lips, I let out the secret just beneath my breath, “I think I’m pregnant. That’s why I ran.” The secret punctures my chest, creating a crater so deep it will never be filled if Carter’s reaction doesn’t mend the wound. “I didn’t know what to do.”

He may forgive me for keeping it from him. But I never will. In this moment, seeing and feeling with every piece of me how much he loves me, I can’t believe for a moment I ever dared to not tell him. To hide this from him.

A second passes and a thump in my chest feels raw and painful as pain and betrayal flash in his eyes.

“Pregnant?” he questions and I can only nod.

In the seconds that tick by without a response from him, without knowing what he’s thinking, the pain trickles into my veins and I creep closer to Carter, needing him to give me something.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper the words, feeling the remorse consume me. I was going to run away, and take his child with me. Tears fall freely down my cheeks. If he hated me, I would understand; there’s no way I would ever forgive him had he dared to do the same to me.

There’s a moment when someone looks directly into your soul, and you feel what they feel. The loss, the insignificance, the agony of being alone. I can feel it from him as he looks up at me and I can’t stand seeing it. My hand finds his and I squeeze it with both of mine, needing him to know I’m here now. “I don’t want to leave, and I regret it. I regret ever walking out that door,” I plead with him. And he squeezes my hand back before bringing my wrist to his lips and leaving a slow, tender kiss there. A kiss that feels like goodbye.

Finally, he speaks and it’s nothing that I ever expected. “I promise I’ll be a good father. I swear to you I will.”

I can’t speak.

“Give me a chance. Just one chance,” he begs me, as if I’d ever leave his side again. “I’ll be good to you, I’ll be a good father, I promise.” He swallows thickly.

“I’m ashamed at what I did and who I was. Please, Aria, we don’t have to tell him.”

“What?” I question him as I struggle to keep up with whatever he’s thinking. I know he’s not well now, he’s still in pain and on meds. He’s only just woken up. “Tell who?” I ask him, my heart racing.

“Our baby,” he says as he looks up at me and brings his hand to my cheek, his thumb running under my eye to brush away the tears gathered there. “We don’t have to tell them what a monster I was,” he whispers the strained words and I lose all composure, covering my mouth with my hand and falling into him. I’m mindful of my weight and make sure to keep it off of him, but my God do I need him to hold me. And I need to hold him.

In this moment and forever.

“I love you, Carter,” is all I can manage when I finally look up to him.

My breath and words leave me as a heat flows over me, taking every bit of the bitter cold and banishing it from me. I crash my lips to Carter’s and he’s quick to cradle my head with his hand, pinning me to him and deepening the kiss. His tongue slips between my lips and I grant him entry. Our tongues mingle and he massages mine with swift, possessive strokes.

I don’t breathe until he breaks away.

“I would do anything for you.” He says the words as if they’re a confession. “I swear, you are the only thing that matters to me. Nothing else matters. Only you and our baby.” As he speaks, his hand slips to my waist. He gazes at my midsection as if he can already see me swollen with our child. The very vision is what caused me to run in the first place.

“I’m scared.” The wretched confession makes me feel that much weaker.

“Don’t be.” Carter’s words are simple, but impossible.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen,” I tell him, feeling the raw truth of fear lingering in the statement.

Carter’s eyes search mine as I climb into the small bed with him, needing to be closer to him and not giving a shit if there’s barely any room. I need my body pressed to his. I need to feel him breathing. The second he embraces me, my worries slip away, lost in the haze of knowing I’m where I’m supposed to be. Beside Carter Cross. Our present and our future tied together.

“We will rule. That’s what’s going to happen, my songbird.”

I can feel my heart twist in my chest, praying I’ll be the woman he wants me to be. Praying our lives can’t pull us apart anymore. And as my mind whirls with every possible outcome of what could be, I realize there’s not a damn thing that could tear me away from him. Not one fucking thing.

“Marry me. You belong with me, Aria.” Carter’s dark eyes pin me in place, taking my breath and refusing to give it back. “Marry me,” he repeats lowly, a barely spoken yet desperate whisper. His warm breath cradles my cheek as he lowers his lips to mine and gently kisses me before I can answer. With his forehead leaning against mine and his hand gripping my hip in place, he whispers his plea again. “Marry me.”

I cling to him, burying my head in his chest and breathing in the scent of a man I’m madly in love with as I nod my head and let the ragged whisper leave me with the desperation for all of this to be real, “Yes.” He’s alive. He’s with me. And he wants me as his partner, his wife, his love.

He lifts my head with both of his hands on my face and presses a soft kiss to my lips. It’s only then that I taste the salt of tears I hadn’t known I was shedding.

“You’re everything to me,” he whispers against my lips as he brushes away the tears with his thumb.

“Tell me everything is going to be all right,” I beg him. My words beg him. My body caves to his in the way it’s always willed me to. The moment I saw him, I knew deep in the marrow of my bones that I belonged to this man. The other half to my soul. Holding his life to mine is the worst thing I’ve ever felt in this world. Every second that passed, I was afraid to move, knowing he was bleeding out beneath me. He lost so much blood, he barely made it and I can’t help but to think that if I’d made the wrong move, if I hadn’t held him as tightly as I could for as long as I did, he wouldn’t be here anymore. I would have lost him.

“I never want you to leave me again. Never,” I whisper the last word, pushing myself closer to him; every inch of me that can be pressed against him is. And Carter does what he’s best at. He keeps me close, holding me to him as if I’ll fly away if only he loosened his grip. But I’ll never do that again. Never.

“As long as you love me, it will.” His words are whispered along my skin, sending a trail of goosebumps down my body as he plants a small kiss on my shoulder. “Because I love you.” His rough stubble grazes my shoulder, and I hope it scars me. I hope I can feel him, see him, have evidence of his love forever.

“I love you, Carter.” The truth is the easiest thing to speak in this moment. A raw confession that will save us from whatever is to come.

“I love you, songbird.” His rough voice is deep, the depths of sincerity so true, it numbs every pain inside of me. Every pain that’s ever existed.

Days have passed since we came home.

It’s odd to think of this place as home, but that’s all it is to me now. It’s more of a home to me than my father’s place ever was. Simply because of the people in it.

“You need to take it easy.” I try to keep my voice from sounding like I’m nagging Carter, but every time he leans to his side on the bed to grab something from the bedside table, I see him grimace. “You’re still healing.”

I’m quick to reach over, careful not to put my weight on him and grab his phone for him. The vibrating of notifications is a constant, but even still, the moment I hand it to him, he silences it.

Jase and Sebastian have taken the lead while Carter’s been on bedrest at home. It’ll take time for the wounds to heal, even if my beast still thinks he’s untouchable.

I still can’t breathe around him. The fear of losing him won’t leave me.

“You keep saying that,” he remarks with the same evenness I give him, but the smile on his lips, the genuine happiness in his eyes, haven’t left him since I told him about the baby. Every time I look into his eyes, I see it and it’s so raw, so much so, that I can barely stand to hold his gaze.

“I’m serious, Carter,” I reprimand him although my actions are anything but. Moving to straddle him on the bed, the sheet slips around me, puddling behind us as I settle gently in his lap and take his stubbled jaw in my hands. “I need you,” I whisper.

The corners of his lips kick up, and his large hands wrap around my waist, gentle and comforting. I rest my forehead on his with my lips so close to his as he tells me, “I need you too.”

He gives me a quick kiss. And then another.

“Did you take another test?” he asks me and I can hear the playfulness in his voice. He thinks I’m odd for taking a pregnancy test every day, but I have my reasons. The line is supposed to stay strong and dark, because then it means the baby is still there and until the six-week mark is here, I need the tests for my sanity.

“Yes,” I tell him. I almost mention how Addison’s the one who told me. She said the line gets weaker if you lose the baby. She’s waiting like I am.

Instead, I’m distracted by a kiss on my neck. A languid one that makes my nipples pebble. His rough stubble runs along my skin, instantly making me wanton.

“You need to heal.” I practically hiss the words with longing as his lips move to the dip just below my collar and his right hand reaches up to my breast. Plucking my nipple between his fingers, he finally raises his gaze to my eyes and tells me, “All I need is you.”

He’s wrong though. There’s so much more he needs. Much more than I could ever give him.

He’s a wounded man, with scars so deep he can’t help but to be weighed down by them.

I’m still waiting on edge for something to come between us, but Carter seems hellbent on keeping us together. And so am I. I won’t allow for love not to be enough.

Carter’s fingertips glide easily up my neck, leaving goosebumps in their wake until he wraps his hands around my throat. His thumb runs down the underside of my chin and then lower, down to the center of my throat. His lips are parted just slightly, his breathing ragged as he hardens under me, his thick length pressing against me.

“I will do anything for you.” He utters the words with such an intensity before slowly raising his gaze to meet mine.

My damn heart belongs to him. It only starts beating when he looks at me like that. I swear it’s true. Whatever else it does when he’s not around isn’t what it’s doing now.

“You’re so intense,” I whisper, not knowing what else to say, but my words are lost in the haze of lust that lingers between us.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m obviously hot for him or some other reason, but Carter gives me a lazy smirk before moving the back of his fingers up my silk shirt and gently pinching my nipple.

My natural instinct is to playfully smack him away, but he’s too quick, grabbing my wrist and pinning it behind me.

Even while I straddle him, he commands me.

“You make me this way,” he tells me with a deep voice and leans forward to kiss me at the same time as he pinches my hardened peak. I have to gasp as he does, breaking the kiss and arching my neck. He takes the moment to lightly run his teeth along my sensitized skin, and I know I’m done for. Any authority I had over him is gone.

Carter is an untamable beast. But I’ll be damned if I’d have him any other way.

“It all feels better when I’m with you,” he murmurs against my skin and his tone sounds raw and hints at the pain that will forever scar who we are. With both hands on his jaw, I stare deep into his eyes, bright with sincerity. “All of it,” he tells me.

“It’s going to be okay.” I offer him words I pray are true. I’d do anything for this man and without anything between us, nothing will keep us apart.

“Better than okay,” he says before kissing me sweetly, only breaking away to add, “I promise.”