Aliens Moved My Cheese

One of the most popular alien first contact scenarios UFO conspiracy theorists latch on to like stink on shit is the idea that the aliens are coming and the mother fuckers ain’t friendly. I believe that is the most likely first contact scenario, not because I’m assuming the aliens will be hostiles but because I know humans having been one my entire life. We are inherently very hostile by any standard of the imagination alien or otherwise. We don’t trust those within our own species and we kill each other wholesale on a routine basis. The appearance of aliens on our planet would most likely unify said hostility against a common enemy as opposed to say… each other. Hollywood once again has helped fuel the fears of hostile aliens with movies like “Independence Day” and “Oblivion” just to name a few but over the last decade or so the worst anti-alien propaganda has been coming from UFO invasion conspiracy nuts online. The UFO invasion bloggers point to every joint military exercise and claim that is proof positive we are preparing to repel an alien invasion. To my mind that doesn’t prove anything but the fact we sometimes engage in joint military exercises as a way of beating our chest and saying, “look how tough we are” without actually firing a shot. Please note: I am talking about space aliens not illegal aliens who let’s face it are already here, so there is no need to invade. Donald Trump needs to have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up because the best Mexicans are already living in the USA. Many of them are employed at Trump’s casinos getting paid less than minimum wage but I digress. One of the latest crop of conspiracies suggest that the US and China have been conducting joint military exercises in the Pacific leading these less than credible individuals to theorize that is a sure sign of an impending alien apocalypse. I don’t think joint military exercises with China are a sign of any such thing. China isn’t our enemy anymore. We owe them trillions of dollars. It is in their best interest to keep us happy, safe and economically healthy. They don’t want to invade us; they don’t have to. They already own us.

I can think of more than a few reasons why hostile aliens might strongly reconsider an invasion after monitoring our very human warlike behaviors. We have nuclear weapons, might be a good place to start. Granted the USA is the only country that has actually used one but that shows our willingness to go there if necessary. If the earth was invaded by an alien species and it looked like we might lose the war, there is a very strong possibility that we would nuke them on our own soil rather than capitulate to their subjugation. That’s how we humans roll. If I can’t have it, you can’t have it either alien bitches! What intelligent alien race wants to rule a nuclear wasteland? It kind of defeats the whole purpose of invading in the first place. The alternative would be fighting a prolonged conventional war against a planet filled with pissed off screaming, hairless apes, that have been fighting wars since the evolution of modern man and possibly even before that. Advanced technology does not always mean certain victory over less well equipped adversaries. Just ask the Vietnamese about that. If you have a shitload of people willing to die for your cause and you establish that you will not give up no matter what your losses are, the indigenous population can emerge triumphant in the end by means of attrition. Ho Chi Min knew this and beat a vastly technologically superior opponent (the USA) despite suffering staggering losses in the millions. Now I’m sure if humans went up against superior alien weapons tech in a WWII style battle, we’d get our asses kicked inside out. A guerilla war, now that’s a horse of a different color. Imagine an entire planet filled with billions of crazy human insurgents willing to sacrifice themselves to kill alien invaders. That’s the type of war we’d be talking about and it’s the type of war we might win. This would be one situation under which the gun nuts in the USA might find vindication. An alien couldn’t walk down a street in any American town without catching enemy fire from all directions. I wonder what the Texans would nickname the invading aliens? I ’m holding out for “Spacebacks.”

The worst nightmare alien invasion scenario imaginable would be if the aliens invaders wanted to exterminate our species completely. I’d like to think that’s highly unlikely but not outside the realm of possibility. If they try to do so conventionally, they once again run into the problem of a radicalized insurgency far more militant because humans would be fighting for the survival of the species “only one species is getting out of this alive.” -Reign of Fire. If humans know that they are being exterminated that also means we’d be far more willing to get medieval on that alien ass. We find out what causes them pain and inflict that pain on them for information and/or fun and we execute all prisoners because that’s what the aliens want to do to us. No quarter given and none expected. That’s not the type of one-upmanship you want to engage in with angry humans because we have vivid imaginations and an unbelievable savant like ability to engage in savagery against our own. Imagine what we’d do to aliens? The alternative to a conventional extermination would be mass genocide through the use of alien weapons of mass destruction, in whatever form or configuration those might take. Certainly they would be very effective but would the planet be habitable after the aliens use them? If not, once again why bother invading at all?

I think it is now important to consider that even a hostile group of aliens would have taken all these scenarios I’ve discussed with you into careful consideration. They most certainly would not be idiots, as evidenced by their advanced technology and ability to traverse the vastness of space at light speed. If they have been watching us for even the last century and observed out violent natures and fearsome ability to wage war, that might have given them a reason to hit the pause button and reconsider a hostile takeover. For all we know we’ve been visited by more than one potential alien enemy who took one look at our ferocity and said “fuck that shit!” We might be a truly feared potential enemy they are praying never achieves inter-stellar travel, which would kind of explain why we haven’t been publicly visited by ET packing heat. These of course are all hypothetical scenarios I’ve concocted. I’m not by any means trying to say this is what alien invaders have planned for us. I can’t say for certain because I simply don’t know what the fuck these Spacebacks have in mind or if they’ve even visited us at all. That’s why I find it hysterical when UFO Invasion Conspiracy Theorists pretend like they are privy to information I somehow overlooked or was not worthy of. Let’s be rational and honest here. They have no idea what the hell is going on either. They’ve just watched one too many end of the world alien invasion flicks and are having dreams of being Luke Skywalker defender of the fucking rebellion. Hey I’d like to fuck Princess Leah in the ass as well but that doesn’t mean that’s actually going to happen. I require proof or at the very least some credible evidence that the little green men want to come down to earth and pick a fight, not unsupported ridiculous supposition from dudes whose mommy’s still do their laundry and who think the video game “Call of Duty” is “ just like real combat.” I was in the US Army and I never heard any talk or even rumors that we were training for potential alien invasions. I had a secret clearance at one time. So that being said what are the odds some yahoo conspiracy theorist who never served a day in their lives, knows something I don’t about large scale military operations? That may sell conspiracy theory books but it doesn’t convince me of a damned thing without a little thing called evidence. “Show me the money!!!!!”