Aliens Moved My Cheese

One of my favorite T.V shows when I was a little kid was a Saturday morning series “Land of the Lost.” I even liked the Will Ferrell movie remake. The arch villains on that program were an alien, time traveling, inter-dimensional, reptile race called the Sleestaks. Those critters used to give me childhood nightmares. The fictional Sleestaks bear a striking similarity to the next oft reported alien race; most UFO junkies refer to as “Reptillians.” This group of alleged aliens are the latest front runner in the alien sighting hall of fame having taken the crown away from the more docile and far less scary greys. I think that probably has to do with the large number of wildly popular alien invasion movies that have come out over the last three decades. Once again it’s a case of the movies and pop culture influencing the number of reported sighting and types of aliens sighted. One of the most popular science fiction mini-series ever was an 80’s offering “V The Visitors” and it was specifically about disguised Reptillian alien invaders wearing human skin suits trying to take over the earth. I don’t think the rise in Reptillian sightings around that same time was just a coincidence. Art influences life, which in turn influences art, which influences life and so on. In the early 80’s Hollywood replaced friendly aliens with more aggressive hostile ones. What better type of creature could be used to inspire fear on the big screen than a very large reptile. Most normal humans are instinctually scared of reptiles. The reptiles on earth seem very alien to us and they are from here. If you think about Reptillian aliens in those terms, it becomes clear that the creation of fantasy reptile aliens are an expression of our very basic primitive human fears.

Do giant iguanas that walk on their hind legs visit this planet? The verdict for me is still out. I’ve never seen one and nobody has any evidence short of testimonials that these creatures exist at all. Think of me as being from Missouri “show me.” I think it’s more than a little presumptuous of human beings to assume that reptiles in the earth sense of the word exist on other planets. If you believe Reptillians exist you have to automatically make the assumption that on their planet creatures developed along parallel evolutionary lines to earth. Would that be possible? It’s not impossible, just highly unlikely in my opinion. Life on other planets might not even be carbon based, which would make the likelihood of an advanced race of sentient reptiles difficult to conceptualize. We might be the weird bastard son aliens of the universe based on a carbon matrix and everybody else might be a silicon based life form for all we know. The point is we just don’t know if reptiles exist anywhere but on earth. To presuppose that they do based on an earth evolutionary model is a bit on the spiciest side don’t you think? The whole concept of reptile alien life forms sounds suspiciously like a case of human kind in our arrogance presuming that the earth evolutionary model is the only one that works and therefore only earthlike creature will become sentient life forms elsewhere.

I find it a little hard to believe that Reptilian aliens exist at all but let’s say just for shits and giggles they do. Why in the hell would they come to earth? We are badly polluted, which is not good for the standard reptile. The climate in much of the world is not suitable for reptiles particularly in areas that experience regular or persistent cold. Worse yet a giant upright walking lizard would tend to get noticed by most humans and since most of us have a natural aversion to them their life expectancy would go down as soon as they were seen. I’ve heard all the usual UFO enthusiast claims, that they hide themselves or disguise themselves. Even if that were the case, you would assume one of them would eventually be discovered, by accident at least if for no other reason. This isn’t the Cheech and Chong Movie “Nice Dreams” in which everybody just ignores the fact that Sgt Stadenko is turning into a giant iguana from smoking laced weed. I think my skepticism about the existence of Reptile aliens comes primarily from the fact that none of them have ever been discovered. The serious conspiracy loonies will argue that neither have Bigfoot, Chupa Cabra and the Loch Ness monster. There is a definitive reason for this…they are not real creatures. They are made up myths without a shred of supporting evidence. How does one discover or disprove a fantasy monster? If I can’t disprove the existence of Reptillians, does that mean they do exist? Obviously that is illogical because the burden of proof remains with the people claiming they do exist. However, I have heard literally hundreds of alien visitation believers make precisely that argument for the existence of Reptilians. “Billy Joe Jimbob says he saw a Reptilian, therefore Reptilians exist” is an often employed debating tactic. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit an argument better than that one. If you want to discuss the possible existence of Reptilian visitors from other planets and some alleged eyewitness accounts of them that’s great. I find them both funny and interesting myself. My problem with these stories begins when Ufologists attempt to present said testimonials as facts. Why do I care? There are a lot of very stupid and/or insane people in the world, that will take unsubstantiated nonsense seriously if it is stated with enough conviction. There is nothing I dislike more than obsessive individual spreading misinformation. It’s a pet peeve of mine. I feel it’s my obligation to keep the lunatic fringe honest whenever I can.

If by some twist of fate you do run into a real life Sleestak, please feel free to bring them by my place so we can smoke a philly blunt and pig out on junk food. I have lots of questions to ask them, all of which I would happily document as proof positive that Reptillians do in fact exist. That is the kind of proof I would require, to eliminate my nagging skepticism concerning the existence of reptile aliens. Just for fun we could reenact scenes from the old “Land of the Lost” series. The alien could play a pissed off hissing Sleestak and I can be Chaka the monkey boy prattling on in primitive caveman speak. That sounds like hours and hours of happy, happy, joy, joy. I hate to beat a dead alien but the UFO visitation aficionados I most respect are the individuals who read over the data concerning the existence of aliens with a healthy degree of skepticism. I’m interested in talking to the folks who aren’t necessarily convinced of the existence of Reptillians, grays and greens and are simply investigating this phenomena hoping to uncover solid proof legitimizing their area of interest. That is at least a somewhat scientific examination of the topic. I have little or no interest in talking to babbling imbeciles who write a UFO abduction blog from their mommy’s basement and think YouTube is a legitimate source of factual information. Those guys make chemtrails conspiracy theorists look like rocket scientists. I’m quite certain that this essay will enrage hard core fans of the Reptillians the world over. In my opinion that’s kind of like getting fans of Pikachu pissed off because I made fun of his little obesity problem. It’s not really something that’ll keep me up at night, if the truth be told. “Hehheheheh….Lizard!!!!” -Pee Wee Herman