Aliens Moved My Cheese

“I met a girl called Lola and I took her back to my place…feeling guilty…feeling scared…hidden cameras everywhere…stop…hold on…stay in control.” -The Kinks

We are living in a paranoid society run amok. People who can’t find real conspiracies to latch onto invent the fuckers. It’s a truly sad state of affairs. It’s sadder than a roid-raging, Portuguese, midget, listening to “A Bridge Over Troubled Waters” by Simon and Garfunkel, while sitting in an empty apartment, trolling people on the internet. Yeah that’s right I know that guy personally. A good fictional illustration of this concept is the X-Files T.V. series. It’s a case of art mimicking the paranoia of our age. The 10th Season of the X-Files introduces conspiracy theories initiated by humans that are far more sinister than any alien invasion scenario imaginable. In the not so distant past humans saw monsters lurking in every shadow. In the 1950’s-1990’s we had the alien menace looming over us and now the monsters we create are ourselves. Now don’t get me wrong there are real conspiracies out there but most of them are right out in the open, if you really give enough of a fuck to look for them. The WTO and World Bank spreading continued economic colonialism for example. There’s also our home grown conspiracy courtesy of “W” Bush and his fake WMD’s, acts of torture and no-bid contracts handed out Haliburton. Nobody does anything about the real ones now do they? That would take a lack of apathy and some effort. We have instead invented human monsters like the Illuminati, Chemtrails Crop Dusters and dare I say it “Benghazi!!!!”

Around the time the 10th season of the X-Files aired conspiracy theorists went into overdrive and polluted the internet and news services with unsubstantiated bullshit, misinformation and propaganda. Not coincidentally alien conspiracy junkies started to tie “big brother is watching” nonsense to alien visitation. Instead of just aliens coming to our planet acting the fool, now we have theories that our own governments and shadow governments are in cahoots with E.T. Just when you thought these conspiracy loonies couldn’t get any crazier, they have to go and pull some crap like that. On the internet these lunatics are currently running the asylum. Go to Facebook and type in the words “Illuminati” or “Chemtrails” some time if you don’t believe me. Every uneducated, belligerent, fucktard that can operate a computer keyboard wants to make you think they know something you don’t. If these sub-morons had actually studied in school instead of taking a You Tube videos word for it, we wouldn’t be in such a predicament. In the USA we have a not so shadow government alright. It’s called the wealthiest 1% of all Americans. They’re the guys that can afford the lobbyists, who can buy the politicians, who are supposed to be serving the people not corporate special interests. This isn’t a conspiracy. They’re doing this shit out in the open right in front of us. Why on earth would anybody worry about creating a super secret cabal to control things under those circumstances?

Ufology connecting itself to these sort of ridiculous notions is just the latest UFO flavor of the month. They are out to get us and they’re using “the man” to do it is the latest prevailing wisdom or in this case lack of wisdom in Ufology. This further convolutes the entire study of Ufology to previously unforeseen depths. Now we have to both look out for E.T. and his anal violations, while also uncovering the Illuminati plot behind E.T.’s covert mastery of the planet earth. We are searching for proof of an unproven alien fairy tale, which is being assisted by an even less likely unproven human based fairy tale cabal. If there really are aliens watching us no wonder they aren’t coming down to say “how you do?” Now let’s look at that scenario using a little thing most rational humans call “common sense.” That would be sort of refreshing for a change. Say you’re an alien with technology far beyond anything humans could conceive of. If you were that advanced why in the fuck would you need the assistance of humans in the elite to take over? Moreover, why would you confide in these obviously powerful humans as to what you had planned? That’d be like the USA during WWII announcing publicly to Japan and Germany it had the A-Bomb while it was still in the early R&D stages. Who the fuck would do that shit? Certainly not an alien with a superior intelligence. That’s almost as ludicrous as believing God needs middle men called priests, reverends and pastors to act as middlemen pimping his word and getting the Lord his ten percent. Ooops sorry theists but your shit sounds kind of ludicrous to me as well. This sort of nonsensical bullshit frustrates me so much, I just want to pimp slap conspiracy theorists like a ten credit alien crack ho’ and yell “where’s my money bitch!”

I don’t have a problem with pure speculation about alien conspiracies. I have a problem with silly theories offering no proof that are getting presented as the truth by halfwits with no real expertise in this field of research. I’m not presenting my speculation as fact. I make a point of calling it exactly what it is, my opinion or my speculation. I don’t know if the aliens and the Illuminati are working together to dominate the earth because I have no evidence that either the aliens or the Illuminati exist at all. Why is that such a difficult concept for so many people? I like to think I’m a relatively sane, rational, logical individual with excellent critical thinking skills and a modicum of common sense. Unless of course you take into account my alien puntang fetish. Let‘s not tell anyone about that. It’s just between you my five readers and me. Why is it I’m starting to feel like I’m in a dwindling minority of sane people? Is this like the movie “Invasion of the Body Snatchers?” Are the rest of you aliens and nobody took the time to tell me about it? I’m really starting to wonder?