Aliens Moved My Cheese

I have considered many times that if the aliens are currently visiting us as suggested by UFO enthusiasts and conspiracy junkies, their behavior is strangely reminiscent of a deranged hobo living in a shack in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. You know the type of guy who is attempting to learn how to telepathically commune with his cats and barnyard animals, so he can make with the pillow talk afterwards? Don’t laugh, I regularly talk to a guy on Facebook who is doing precisely that. He even has a You Tube video and a series of charts and graphs that are completely meaningless to all but the most insane of unmedicated schizophrenics. He speaks and writes in complete gibberish because that he claims is the path to higher consciousness. Sure thing buddy. I’m the reincarnation of Rasputin and I’m regularly visited by the ghost of Lady Godiva, who keeps bugging me to have a threesome with her and Rosanne Barr. Damn glad to meet you. I think you get the point. Many behaviors attributed to the aliens appear to be certifiably insane by this world’s standards and I’m beginning to think on more than a few alien planets as well. What’s up with slaughtering cattle and leaving the carcasses to rot? If E.T. wanted some steaks, it would have been much easier for them to order “Scotty” to beam them up some 12 oz ribeyes? I can’t be certain but I get the feeling the cattle killing is more than likely the work of predators or hillbillies involved in cow tipping incidents gone terribly wrong. The alternative scenario is a bit more frightening. The aliens actually are coming down to our planet and chopping up cattle for fun. I have a Masters degree in Cognitive Psychology, so I’m well acquainted with human mental illnesses. Alien major mental malfunctions, not so much. Despite my lack of knowledge concerning alien psychosis, I have a hard time believing that aliens capable of conceiving of and inventing vastly superior technologies and possessing much greater intellects than our own, get their kicks by pulling a “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” on longhorn steers. I wouldn’t put it past drunk Texans but “Psychopathic Alien Cow Butchers” sounds more like the name of a punk band, than an alien research study in progress. I can only think of one possible reason an alien would debase themselves in such a way. The aliens coming to visit us are in all probability the bottom feeders of the entire universe. Alpha Centari gets Insectoids with genius level IQ’s and hive minds. Cygnus gets badass conquerors with a massive battle fleet. We get the alien version of the Hell’s Angels.

I know in our boundless arrogance, we’d like to think the really cool aliens would take a scientific interest in us because we’re so friggin’ smart and super cool. Has any one stopped to think that our planet might be considered the skid row of the stinking cosmos? That would certainly explain the reports of alien visitors abducting humans and anally probing them. I’ll bet you guys thought all that corn holing that was going on was done to gather scientific data didn’t you? It sounds to me like a bunch of aliens who get off on bondage stopped by to have a party. That would explain why so many alleged abductees end up running away from the departing spaceship like a drunk fat chick leaving a frat house crying at 3am in the morning. The anal probing is usually associated with the Greys, which always leaves me scratching my head profusely. They weren’t acting like that in “Close Encounters of the Third Kind?” Do you mean to tell me Steven Spielberg actually got something wrong for a change? Say it ain’t so! I guess even the reportedly docile Greys have sexual deviants with a bunghole fetish in their midst. Now don’t get me wrong. The concept of aliens gone wild isn’t necessarily all bad. I’m not personally into anal probing unless it‘s a female and I‘m doing the pitching. My pooper is decidedly exit only. It’s just nice to know even advanced alien species have their share of pervs that like to get buck wild in the bedroom. I’m kinda’ hoping my first contact results in a drunken orgy if the truth be told. These aliens strike me as the find em’, fuck em’, flee type. They never hang out afterwards wanting to be held. They apparently don’t require pillow talk or foreplay and the concept of sticking around for breakfast the next morning is lost on them. My kinda’ woman!

Here’s another thing that puzzles me about our aliens. Their spaceships according to most people claiming to have seen UFO’s, almost always look like odd awkward contraptions. Think about it. They show up in flying saucers and other silly looking ships in clunky shapes that are far from stealthy and aerodynamically sound. One possible explanation is that since our aliens appear to be a little bit on the ghetto side, they are all driving old model used spaceships. The cool aliens are riding around in new Porsches and Ferraris and our visitors are sporting the spaceship equivalent of a beat up 1976 Monte Carlo with the side panels starting to rust away. I hope at least they have a good sound system in their saucers? If you can’t look good, at least you can sound good. Now realistically most of the reports of UFO sightings are probably either outright fakes or cases of mistaken identity. In the case of witnesses giving false testimony, in my opinion they are usually describing the Hollywood cookie cutter version of what they think an alien spaceship is supposed to look like. That’s why so many of these reports sound suspiciously like the descriptions of other alien watchers. I’m holding out for the scenario where they’re buying their ships from Crazy Gorgo’s Used Spaceship Lot but I have to concede that’s probably just wishful thinking. When humans come up with ship designs they look cool as hell because we don’t just want to go into space, we also want to look bad ass doing it. The space shuttle was some serious Buck Rogers shit am I right? Our aircraft designs are rocking as well, as anybody who has seen a stealth bomber can attest. It just strikes me as strange that a chilled out accomplished alien race would come to earth in a giant pie plate if they really had their shit together.

I’d like to believe there are aliens out there. I think the entire concept is cool. I’ve been a rabid science fiction fanatic since the early 70’s. What I won’t do is jump on the conspiracy theory bandwagon declaring unsubstantiated conspiracies are the truth before all the facts are in. Most of my five readers can see I am not above speculating about E.T. myself on occasion. However, I don’t present my opinion as a truism or a proven fact. We can say the aliens are this way or the aliens are that way but until we actually meet one and/or I have sex with her, we have no idea what they are like and even if they even exist. My recommendation to the UFO conspiracy theorists is try to avoid discussing this topic in terms of absolutes. When you do that without conclusive evidence you make the entire field of study look insane. That strikes me as extremely counterproductive to those folks out there trying to study this phenomena from a purely scientific point of view. If your highest grade in any science class was a “C” or lower (pay attention “W”), you probably aren’t qualified to make pronouncements on this topic. If you are over the age of 25 and you still live with your mommy in the trailer park, it’s a safe bet you’re not an expert. If you have a mental health diagnosis that includes profoundly obsessive behaviors and/or delusional thinking, take your meds, seek immediate therapy and say hello to Elvis for me.