A Soul of Ash and Blood: A Blood and Ash Novel (Blood And Ash Series Book 5)

I’d been reluctant to leave Poppy as the gray skies of the approaching morning dawned, but I’d been awake for a while, just watching her and thinking.

Thinking about what we’d talked about last night. What she’d experienced. How it’d felt like an honor to bear witness to her living. What was to come.

And all the while, Poppy looked so damn peaceful, as if she were where monsters could never find her.

But they already had.

I was one of them, no better than the Ascended.

Because once I got what I wanted, I would be sending her right back to the beasts capable of unthinkable atrocities. I had to because she was the only thing the Blood Crown would negotiate for. She was the only way I could free my brother and prevent a war.

But how did I do that?

After last night? After how brave she’d been to seek something for herself—to vocalize that this was not the life she would’ve chosen, confirming what I already suspected? After how she’d clung to me before I took her to the Duchess? After I’d seen all her pain the night of the Rite and what we did beneath the willow? After I found her in the Atheneum, reading such a dirty little journal? After she’d admitted she didn’t agree with the Rite? After the Duke had brutalized her, yet she worried about me getting in trouble for stopping the Priestess? After finding her on the Rise, discovering her at the Red Pearl, and all those seconds, minutes, and hours in between, when she showed me again and again that she was not what I expected? How, when I was around her, I didn’t think of the past or the future? I simply lived.

But how could I not?

She was important to the Blood Crown. She, and she alone, was the thing they were willing to do anything for. And even if that weren’t the case, I was already in this too deep. Too many bodies lay between the moment I’d started this and now—too many lives were already on borrowed time to back out.

Fuck, this wasn’t even the first time I’d thought this.

From the moment I’d realized it was her at the Red Pearl, doubt had steadily crept in and grew. I’d done my damnedest to ignore it, to erase the doubt and guilt, telling myself that my reasons were just. That everything I did was for my brother and the greater good.

Pressure clamped down on my chest as I carefully brushed a wisp of hair from her cheek. She wiggled, snuggling against me in sleep.

I closed my eyes as a yawning hollowness opened in my chest. Fuck, I didn’t want this for her.

So why did it have to be this way?

A muscle ticked at my temple as I opened my eyes, finding Kieran moving about, checking on the horses. There had to be another way. My thoughts raced as fast as my heartbeat. In the eerie silence of the Blood Forest, scenario after scenario played out like they had before. Unless I could somehow get the Blood Crown to release Malik before handing over Poppy, there were no feasible options. And that wasn’t even a choice. The Blood Crown was a lot of things, but they weren’t fucking idiots.

There had to be something.

I just needed time to think of a solution that wasn’t a half-baked impossibility.

A stray breeze caught a strand of hair. I pinched it, tucking it back. I didn’t have a lot of time, though. My gut clenched. Sooner rather than later, Poppy would learn the truth. She would know that I’d been lying to her, using her.

That I was no better than the Ascended.

I needed to come up with an exit plan for her before then, because once she learned that? Poppy wouldn’t trust anything I told her. She’d actively work against me.

She would hate me.

Hate herself.

I didn’t want to—

Cursing under my breath, I cut off that thought. I needed time. Not this. I eased my arm from around her, halting when she squirmed. The back of my neck prickled as I stared down at her, her left cheek exposed to me. The scarred one. What she’d said last night about how a potential Ascended would see her repeated itself in my mind.

If anyone didn’t see her for the beauty she was, then they were irrelevant.

Then again, most Ascended were fucking irrelevant.

Lifting the fur, I draped it over Poppy. I began to rise but stopped again. I fixed the blanket, pressing into the bedroll. Bending, I kissed the top of her head. Then I made myself get the hell up. Rising, I caught sight of Kieran. He stood near the cluster of blood trees, watching. Probably wondering what the fuck I’d been doing this whole time.

Turning, I grabbed the sack and pulled out my brush and paste. I quickly cleaned my teeth, having to make do with only a sip of water to wash out the grit. Then I traveled a bit deeper into the trees to relieve myself. When I returned, Kieran was still waiting, and Poppy still slept.

I joined him. “Sleep well?”

He arched a brow. “Not as good as you.”

I narrowed my eyes and shot him a look as I picked up his bedroll, folding it.

“And how often do you sleep that well?” Kieran asked.

I knew what he was getting at. “That was a first.” I hooked his bedroll to his pack. “A first in a very long time.”

Kieran was quiet as I stood. “She likes you.”

I frowned. “And what makes you think that?”

“Besides the fact that she let you do whatever it was you were doing under that blanket?”

I ignored that, carrying his sack to his horse.

“I noticed it before then.” Kieran followed as I dipped under a low-hanging branch. “Saw it as soon as you two were together.”

“You didn’t say shit about it last night.”

“No, I didn’t say it last night. Didn’t feel the need to say it.”

“And you feel the need now?”

“I do.” His jaw was hard.

Strapping the pack to the saddle, everything I was just thinking about came to the surface, which made what I had to say come out harshly. “Her liking me means I’ve gained her trust,” I bit out, wanting to fucking peel off my godsdamn skin. “That is part of the plan.”

“Last night was a part of the plan?” His eyes turned to chips of ice. “Just so you know, I really want to punch you. She’s a—”

“I know what she is, Kieran.”

“But do you know who you are?” His hand fisted.

I stiffened, taking a deep breath. “I do.”

He eyed me long and hard before exhaling.

“We need to be leaving soon.”

Nodding, I faced him. Time. I was running out of time. Squinting into the gloom, I tried to think of where I could possibly pick up a day or two before we reached New Haven. Obviously, the Blood Forest wasn’t ideal. That left only Three Rivers, but that was a potshot.

“We made it farther than I thought we would,” I stated, crossing my arms. “We should reach Three Rivers before nightfall.”

“We can’t stay there,” Kieran said, almost as if he somehow knew I was seeking to delay the inevitable. “You know that.”

“I know,” I repeated, frustrated. Lingering there would draw too much attention from the others who rode with us, requiring us to deal with them sooner rather than later. “If we break halfway to Three Rivers, we can ride through the night and make it to New Haven by morning.”

“You ready for that?” Kieran asked.

I met his stare. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You think I haven’t noticed what’s been going on?” His voice dropped to just above a whisper. “Really? That I’ve forgotten what we just spoke about? Her having feelings for you isn’t the only thing I’m worried about, Hawke.”

Irritation flared.

Sensing it, Kieran gave me a tight smile. “Remember what your task is.”

We’d wanted to knock each other on our asses many times in our lives, but I’d never wanted it more than I did right now.

“Remember your task,” he repeated.

“I haven’t forgotten for one second.” My tone hardened. “Not one.”

Kieran lifted his chin. “Good to know.”

The way he looked at me as I stepped around him told me he didn’t quite believe what I was saying. I’d have to key him in on the shit in my head, but now wasn’t the time for that, either.

I crossed the distance, kneeling in front of Poppy. I still didn’t want to wake her, but time…yeah, we were running out of it.

I touched her cheek, and her lashes lifted. Green eyes met mine, and how easy it was for me to let go of that frustration and irritation was sort of miraculous.

Sliding my thumb along the line of her cheek and then across her lower lip, I smiled. That was easy, too. “Good morning, Princess.”

“Morning,”

“You slept well.”

“I did.”

“Told you,” I teased.

Poppy grinned as she blushed. “You were right.”

“I’m always right.”

She rolled her eyes. “Doubtful.”

“Do I have to prove it to you again?”

Poppy’s scent thickened, a lovely and welcome reprieve to the staleness of the Blood Forest. “I don’t think that will be necessary.”

“Shame,” I murmured. “We have to get moving.”

“Okay.” She sat, wincing. “I just need a couple of minutes.”

I took her hand after she’d unraveled herself from the blankets, helping her stand. Because I’d rather be in a helpful mood than a pissy one, I straightened her sweater, tugging it down her hips.

Poppy’s gaze lifted to mine, and the conversation with Kieran felt like it had happened a dozen years ago. There was uncertainty in her gaze and the set of her mouth, and it took only a heartbeat to remember that what she’d experienced the night before had been a first for her. Only the gods knew what was going on in her head. It was likely as messy as mine, even though the reasons were different.

I lowered my voice. “Thank you for last night.”

Her lips parted. “I feel like I should be thanking you.”

“While it pleases my ego to know you feel that way,”—and it really did—“you don’t need to do that.” I threaded my fingers through hers. “You trusted me last night, but more importantly, I know that what we shared is a risk.”

In so many ways.

I stepped closer to her and spoke a truth that was as sad as it was beautiful. Something that cut so deep it left me reeling. “And it is an honor that you’d take that risk with me, Poppy. So, thank you.”