#9 The Lonely Rogue

Junie

I remembered what I wanted to ask Caspian before Viv interrupted us, but I wasn’t sure if I could work up the courage again to say it. Talking with Caspian was a mix between awkward and sinful. Sometimes it was like the easiest thing in the world, and then the deadly silence consumed us and I felt the nerves begin to kick in.

It was the uncertainty of it all that unsettled Violet and I. We had no idea where we stood nor how shaky the ground was. One wrong word and we could fall right through and, just like the other shoe, explode.

“Another thing about that night,” Caspian spoke before I could, “I’m sorry about the things I said. I didn’t mean them.”

“You mean all the things you said when you were being a pompous jackass?” I inquired, making Caspian blush with guilt.

“Yes, those things.” He replied under his breath.

Honestly, this was the perfect gateway into what I wanted to know. So, I took a deep breath, and I went for it.

“There was something I was wondering about that actually is along those lines.” I cringed at how shaky and timid my voice was. What was wrong with me?

“What is it?” Caspian leaned forward slightly, his eyes fixed on mine. I squirmed under his intense gaze.

“You seemed to get mad everytime I didn’t submit to you.” I forced out and noticed how Caspian flinched back.

“I have a million things to apologize for, Junie, and that is among them. I don’t at all want you to worry about me being angry with your dominance. I don’t want a submissive mate, despite what you might think. I was only using it as a cover, an excuse to be angry with you. It made it easier to push you away.” Caspian’s face was pale with pain.

“It’s not just you.” I quickly added, wanting to take away any of his concerns, “I don’t recognize authority.” I realized it was a weak explanation and snapped my mouth shut before I could embarrass myself further.

“What do you mean?” Caspian asked.

“The main reason I never went back to Cypress when I turned 18 was because the idea of bowing down to Alpha Avery, to any Alpha honestly, made me want to gauge my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon.” I answered honestly. Caspian blinked at me in horror for a moment before he recovered.

“That’s because you were meant to be the Queen Luna and she doesn’t submit to anyone.” I swear, there was pride in his voice and his expression when he spoke.

“Even you?” I nearly whispered.

“Yes, Junie, even me.” I was surprised when he did it again. He reached across the table and took my hand, this time he held onto it more securely. It was warm and comforting as the sparks shot up my arm, “I want a partner in a mate, not a lap dog.” He said sternly.

“I’m just worried. I’ll never be your quiet, submissive little Luna, Caspian, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life arguing about where my place is.” I let out a frustrated sigh.

“I don’t want you to be that. I just want you.”

The words seemed to slip out of his mouth before he could stop them. His lips turned white as he pressed them together and he leaned back in his chair, his hand still holding mine. I sucked in a breath, unable to move or even breathe.

“Your tough guy act is a pretty good one, Alpha.” I finally said, breaking the tension with a sly smile. Caspian returned it, his face relaxing.

“I’ve worked hard on it over the past seven years.” His response held a bit of sadness behind his eyes.

“I just want you to know that I’m not jealous of your first mate, if that’s even a concern that you have. If you want to talk about her, you can.” I said softly. Caspian’s eyes widened ever so slightly,

“I don’t want you to think I’m comparing you to her.” He said.

“I don’t think that. You lost someone precious to you, someone you loved. You don’t just get over that and I wouldn’t expect you to.” I said and Caspian just stared at me, silently, almost like he was in awe.

“Thank you for saying that, Junie.” He barely got the words out, “I mean it.” He added sincerely. I smiled back and nodded.

“Sometimes I think that I blame too much on losing Sabrina. I changed completely after that day. It was like the old me died and this Caspian took his place.” He admits with a pained expression.

It was my turn to take his hand from across the table and pull it towards me. Our entwined hands sat in the center of the table, with my thumb rubbing circles over his knuckles and his fingers tapping lightly on my palm.

“Losing someone like that changes your entire life, I mean, how could it not?” I sighed, “I lost love, too.” I confessed. Caspian’s perfectly arched eyebrow rose up in question.

“The love of a mother, a father, and a brother; the love of a pack. I lost all of that and, just because I never had it, doesn’t mean I don’t miss it and wonder what my life might’ve been like with it.” I spoke from my heart, something I wasn’t used to doing. It took a lot out of me emotionally and I couldn’t bring myself to look into Caspian’s eyes.

“You have it now.” His deep, husky voice drew my attention to him, “You have a family now, a pack, all of it.” His gaze was so intense that it set fire to something deep inside me, igniting a feeling I didn’t even know I was capable of having.

He closed his eyes and his hand started to shake as it held onto mine for dear life.

“I want to tell you something else about Sabrina, something I haven’t told anyone before.” He says in a hushed voice.

“You don’t have to….” I was afraid this was all becoming too painful for him.

“I want to. You deserve to know the entire truth.” He said sternly, “Sabrina was pregnant when she was killed.” His words stopped my heart and froze the blood in my veins.

“Caspian…..” I gasped and I saw that he still hadn’t opened his eyes.

I stood up from the chair and walked around the table, standing in front of my mate. With the absence of my hand, Caspian’s eyes fluttered open and wandered down to me. With his height, him sitting and me standing put us at perfect eye level. I held his face in my hands, pressing my palms against each of his cheeks. I didn’t know what I was doing, no thoughts were forming in my head, I was just acting on instinct.

Caspian’s arms hesitantly lifted from his side and found their way around my waist. He tugged gently and, before I knew what I was doing, I was in his lap with my arms around his neck and my face buried in his chest. I felt his face go into my neck and he breathed in deeply, his shoulders started to shake. I held onto him as tightly as I could.