TO HAVE AND TO HATE

PENELOPE

It’s easy to fall in love. You meet someone and have an unexplainable connection, quiet like you already know each other, even though you just met. You exchange numbers and start to get to know each other. Before you know it, it leads to something more, you take the risk, give it a chance and plunge. Falling in love makes life seem more colorful. The rush. The chase. Opening up, letting someone in, creating memories together, having lots of sex and then finally marriage.

But what happens after saying ‘I do?’ Children happen. Life gets busy and everything begins to look normal and then failing in love isn’t the new big thing in your life anymore. What happens when the honeymoon phase fades? You experience the highs and lows and how marriage isn’t always a bed of roses?

My husband Darius and I went to the same university, we were very close friends and hung out often. We were both seeing other people. Then one night, a few weeks before graduation, after a drink too many, Darius kissed me. I kissed him back, one thing led to another and we crossed a line we weren’t supposed to. After that, it took us less than a week to decide to leave our partners for each other. We dated a couple of months and got married the following year.

Darius and I have been together for eighteen years now and we have a seventeen-year-old daughter; Tessa. Darius and I are still good friends, we talk almost all the time about everything and anything. Anytime something happens in my life, Darius is the first person I want to share it with. I really care for this man but I am not happy sexually. Our sex life is miserable because he hasn’t been able to satisfy me in bed. I have a high and intense sex drive and my husband has challenges being able to fulfill those needs based on longevity and size.

We’ve talked about this and tried everything but nothing has worked. And over the last couple of years, our sexual encounters have become less. I’ve gotten so used to satisfying myself and now I don’t really care about having sex with him.

I have thought about cheating a number of times but Darius is too good of a man to cheat on. I hate myself for even considering doing such a horrible thing to such a man. I know this may sound crazy but I have found myself hoping, that Darius would cheat on me. Atleast if he did, it would give me a reason to source for sexual happiness elsewhere without feeling guilty.

‘So, baby girl, how are things between you and D? Any improvements?’ My best friend Petra asks as we jog down the street. Petra and I love to stay fit so we jog a couple of miles every morning and evening when we are free.

‘Same old same,’ I huff, picking up my pace.

‘I wouldn’t want to be you,’ she laughs.

‘You know this is frustrating. I don’t even know what to do anymore.’

‘Find someone else to service you.’

‘And you know my answer to that.’

‘Quick one. If you were the one with the problem, do you think D would remain faithful to you?’

I shrug, ‘D is a good man. I don’t think he would ever cheat on me.’

‘I am not even telling you to leave him. All I am saying is that find someone to entertain you, no strings attached. Happy wife, happy marriage.’

‘You are such a bad friend.’

‘I just want you to be happy. Besides, you have such a gorgeous body, we wouldn’t want it to go to waste.’

‘I shouldn’t even be thinking about sex, I am old.’

‘Old? Forty-three isn’t old, have you taken a good look at yourself in the mirror?’

I roll my eyes.

‘Think about it.’

‘Whatever,’ I say before we separate at the end of the block.

***

Your August Girl

EllaB

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