The Wall of Winnipeg and Me: A Novel

“I’m in love.”

Watching Leo zoom from side to side across the tile floor, a vision of everything wonderful in the universe, I couldn’t help but agree with Zac. All three of us loved the little yellow ball of fur, and it had only been two full weeks. In that time, between Aiden and I, we’d potty trained the little turkey and set up a schedule. When the big guy was gone, I kept him with me and made sure to take him outside every couple of hours.

Leo was brilliant, and I completely regretted giving him to Aiden instead of keeping him. Not that it really made much of a difference who he belonged to since he technically spent more time with me anyway with his daddy gone all the time. With the Three Hundreds moving through the post season, advancing through the wild card bracket, they were entering the divisional playoffs. Their game was the next day, and needless to say, the man who insisted on carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders was feeling every inch of stress.

Needless to say, I was giving him a wide birth and trying to be as supportive as I could, which meant I’d been making enough dinner to feed everyone in the household. Aiden was Jedi-level focused, and when he was home, he spent all the time he could with his new kiddo, while also resting as much as possible.

“I love him,” I said as the little guy trotted over to where we were sitting at the nook, draping his body over my sock-covered foot. “He sleeps on my lap for hours while I’m working. It’s so hard not to want to keep him on me all day.”

Zac leaned down to give him a rub with the tips of his fingers, but Leo was out cold. We had gone for a twelve-mile run at the gym where he was training, and immediately afterward took Leo out of his crate, which Aiden kept in his room, and let him run around in the backyard. Sitting straight, Zac took a big drink of the lime green Gatorade bottle sitting in front of him. “Are you goin’ to the game tomorrow?”

“I was planning on it. Did you want to go?”

He went back to peeking under the table. “You have anybody else to go with you?”

Since that first game, Zac hadn’t gone with me to any of the rest. I’d been going alone. “I can go by myself. It isn’t a big deal.”

“I know you can go by yourself, but it’s a division game. It’ll be nuts.”

I crossed my eyes. “I grew up with three psychos. I can handle nuts.”

Zac raised his eyebrows and I realized what the hell I said. I could handle nuts. Idiot.

I groaned. “You know what I mean.”

He grinned big, wide, and so not innocent. “Just for you, I won’t say nothin’.” The doofus winked. “Look, I’ll go with you tomorrow. Just make sure Aiden gets us good seats since you think you’re too good to sit in the box.”

“Too good to sit in the box?” I squawked. “I just don’t want to get friendly with the other players’ wives. That’s all.”

That had Zac sitting back with a frown. “Why?”

“I told you.” Or was it Aiden I told? I couldn’t remember. “I feel like a phony.”

“You’re not a phony.”

I lifted up a shoulder. “I feel like one. Plus the season is almost over. Who knows what’s going to happen. He hasn’t kept me in the loop at all about what’s going on with Trevor or even brought up when he’s leaving for Colorado this year.” Honestly, I hadn’t thought too much about him leaving for the offseason because I didn’t want to. The one and only time I had, it had made me sad to think about not seeing him for months at a time. I’d rather live ignorantly than with this weight of missing someone who wasn’t gone around my shoulders. Plus, he would tell me when he was leaving… wouldn’t he?

“He hasn’t told me a single thing, Vanny, and the last time I talked to Trevor, it was just to go over what my goal for the offseason was,” Zac explained.

That gave me an excuse to forget about Colorado for the moment and remember that what Aiden decided to do with the rest of his career didn’t just affect me; it affected Zac too. If he went to a different team, it wasn’t like Zac would go. Things had been so strained between them the last couple of months, that I had no idea where they stood. “Have you decided what you’re going to do?”

“My old Texas coach gave me a call a few weeks ago. Said he was plannin’ on retiring this year, and he’s from a town real close to Ma’s. I think I might end up heading back to Austin to work with him.”

Austin? I gulped selfishly. “Really?”

“Yeah. It wouldn’t hurt to go home. I told you how guilty PawPaw made me feel during Christmas,” he explained. Zac said his grandpa kept reminding him he wasn’t getting any younger.

Then the second step of the future hit me. Sure we’d only been living together for five months, but… we might end up in different states. Forever. I’d be essentially losing Zac, one of my closest friends. What kind of messed up, self-absorbed dimension had I been living in to not contemplate these outcomes?

He must have seen the despair on my face because he let out a sharp laugh of disbelief. “Why you gettin’ upset, sugar?”

“Because I won’t be seeing you anymore,” I said with every ounce of horror I felt. “You’re basically my second best friend.”

“Ahh shit, Van. You’re basically my best friend, too.” Those blue eyes widened for a moment. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you these last few months.”

I had to reach up to swipe at my eyes with the back of my hand. I’d been the biggest crybaby since Christmas, and I had no reason for it. “Why am I getting so upset? We’ll still text message each other, right?”

“Of course we will. Of course we will. Come on.” Were his eyes getting shiny? “Gimme a hug. You’re gonna make my mascara run.”

I laughed even as I threw my arms around him. “You’re an idiot, but I love you.”

With two arms slung over my shoulders, his chest gurgled beneath mine in what sounded like a watery chuckle.

“You don’t have to do the marathon if you don’t want to,” I let his shirt know.

“You haven’t put me through hell for me to back out on you now, darlin’. We’re doin’ it.”

“But if you’d rather go to Austin sooner than later…”

“We’re doin’ this,” he insisted. He pulled back, his hands going to my upper arms so he could peer down at me. “You know you’re gonna be all right, don’t you?”

“Doing the marathon or if I have to move with Aiden?”

Those light blue eyes narrowed down at me. “I’m not worried about you doin’ the marathon. You got that thing in check. I meant movin’.”

“Oh, yeah.” I shrugged. “I’m not that worried about it. I don’t do much here in Dallas anyway, and Aiden’s been keeping me company a lot more.”

Part of me expected him to say something like “I’d noticed” because he’d been teasing me mercilessly from the moment he came home after the New Year and seen the ring Aiden had bought me. The fact I only took it off when we went running didn’t help. Instead though, Zac nodded, his smile easy. “He’ll make sure you’re fine.”

That had me snorting. I wanted to tell him about Aiden and how I’d been feeling but… I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Every day this thing with him just got stronger. Worse. How do you fall in love with the man you’re supposed to divorce in a few years? I was an idiot, and sometimes I didn’t want to face the facts of just how stupid I was.

I wasn’t really convinced of the idea that Aiden would make the effort to make sure I settled in okay in a new city. I knew what his main focus in life was, and it definitely wasn’t me. “How are things going with both of you anyway? Has it gotten any better?” I hadn’t really seen them talk much in the last few weeks, not that they ever talked much to begin with, period.

“All right.” His answer was as innocent as I expected. “Why?”

“I haven’t really seen you two talk. I was just wondering if something had happened.”

Zac shook his head. “No. Things are different now. That’s all. He doesn’t know what to say to me, and I don’t know what to say to him either. The last time I tried to talk to him he lectured me on how it was my fault I got cut from my team. I know it’s my fault, but I don’t wanna hear him say that. Look, don’t worry about him and me; I’m not the one who’s got his ring on my finger. You two are gonna be fine.”

Wait a second…. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what.” He winked.

“No. I don’t know.” I didn’t like where this was going, and I definitely disliked the intelligence in his eyes even less.

When Zac put a hand on the top of my head and gave me a pat, I crossed my eyes. “Don’t be a dunce. He got into bed with you—”

“Because I was scared!”

“He got into a fight for you, Van. If that doesn’t say it all, I don’t know what does.”

“Because—”

He apparently didn’t care what I had to say. “I’ve seen the way you look at him. I know how you’ve always looked at him.”

No.

“You’ll never meet anybody more loyal than him, Van, and I don’t know anybody better that Aiden could have ended up with. You might be the only person in the world who can put up with his ass. I just hope you two do something about it and not waste time.”

I could only stare at him blankly.

It was the garage door opening that snapped us both out of the stare down we were having. By the time we separated, with Zac thinking he knew some dirty little secret and me not sure what the hell was going on, Aiden had opened the door to the garage. Leo shot up from beneath the table, bounding toward his daddy.

Immediately crouching down, Aiden scooped up his blond ball and hoisted him up into those brawny arms that seemed so at odds with the now ten-pound puppy. His eyes swung from Leo to Zac then to me. I was sure we looked pretty suspicious just standing there like deer caught in the headlights, but oh well.

I smiled at him, hoping I didn’t look as flustered as I felt. “Hey, big guy.”

“Hi.” With the arm that wasn’t holding Leo up, he reached up to stroke down the length of Leo’s spine, his irises bouncing back and forth between Zac and me once more. Walking toward us, he tipped his chin down to nuzzle the puppy before stopping in front of me and dipping his cheek to plant a soft, dry kiss on my cheek that had me rooted in place.

What the hell was happening?

What in the hell was happening?

“I’m going to shower,” Zac said, shooting me a smirk that said ‘See?’ With a smack to my lower spine, he left the kitchen, leaving me there alone, confused and wondering if this was a dream I hadn’t woken up from.

Restraining the urge to pinch myself, I gulped and glanced at Aiden as my insides went haywire. “How was your day?” I pretty much croaked out.

The big guy shot me a funny look as he rubbed the other side of his cheek against Leo’s fur. “Fine. Meetings and practice.” Aiden had Leo so high up, the puppy’s body hid everything below his eyes. “How was your run?”

“Tiring. We did twelve miles on the hill setting at the gym.” He kissed Leo’s nose and something in me died. “Your kid’s already run around outside, and he’s pooped and peed.”

At ‘your kid’ a small smile curled the corners of Aiden’s mouth. Those brown eyes switched back to me and asked, “You’re still coming to the game tomorrow?”

“Oh. Yeah. Of course. Is that fine?” I’d gone to every home game since that first one with Zac. While Aiden hadn’t invited me to any games away, I hadn’t invited myself either. I didn’t want to spend the money when I could go to a perfectly good game minutes from our house.

Aiden made a noise on his way toward the refrigerator. “Don’t ask me stupid questions, Vanessa.”

“Well. I don’t want to just assume, thank you.”

He huffed and said over his shoulder, “You know I would tell you if I didn’t want you there.”

“I figure, but you never know.”

Aiden’s attention was forward when he replied with something that had me wondering if he was dying. Or delusional. Or maybe this entire moment was just a dream. “You don’t ever have to worry about me not wanting you somewhere. Got it?”

And like the idiot I was, the one who didn’t know how to process hints, or roll with things in a clever, cute way, I said the dumbest thing I could have said, “Oh. Okay.”

Idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot.

It haunted me the rest of the day.

The booing was overwhelming.

More than overwhelming. It was so deafening even my soul could feel it.

Three Hundreds’ fans in the stands were roaring with disapproval and disappointment. To say that they were pissed would not adequately describe the situation at all. The game had been awful. In the first quarter, Zac’s enemy, the team’s quarterback was sacked—or tackled—and had his arm broken. In the third quarter, Christian Delgado was tackled so hard his helmet flew off and he sustained a concussion. I didn’t cheer.

And that had just been the tip of the iceberg for bad luck. Zac, who was my bodyguard for the game, had been gripping his heart from the very beginning, and that was saying something from the man who hadn’t rooted for the Three Hundreds once since he’d been let go.

The offense played terribly and Denver had taken advantage of how rattled and distracted the Three Hundreds’ defense was. Well, every other player on defense other than Aiden. Every time the camera landed on him, and every time I managed to catch a glimpse of his face thanks to how close my seats were, he had that stone-cold expression on his features, like his role alone would be enough to get the team through.

Unfortunately, it hadn’t been.

The booing had started before the game had even finished, and when the players for the Three Hundreds walked off the field and in the direction of the sidelines, the third biggest player on the team had stopped before making his way toward the tunnel that led to the locker rooms. Aiden stood there at the fifty-yard line, just shy of crossing over with his hands on his hips facing me. I knew those tendons along his neck well, I could see the tightness in his shoulders that no one else would be able to pick up on, even the angle in which he held his wrists told me a story.

Disappointment flowed deep in that big body.

I lifted my hand up and gave him a wave.

He didn’t wave back, and I wasn’t totally surprised. A male broken heart was a difficult thing to come back from.

So I did the only thing I could think of that he would understand, I lowered my waving hand, placed it in front of my belly and I raised up my middle finger like I had all the other hundreds of times I’d done it in the past when I thought he wasn’t looking.

And with his helmet still on, The Wall of Winnipeg shook his head, and I knew that was pretty much a laugh.

“Hey, you don’t fucking flip off Aiden Graves!” an angry male voice yelled at me from down my row.

I looked over, ignoring Zac’s closely looming body, more than likely preparing himself to defend my honor, and gave the man defending Aiden a calm smile. “He’s my husband.”

In the blink of an eye, the rough, older man who had yelled completely cooled down. I caught him taking a peek at my hand, where sure enough, my brand new ring was. I found myself looking at it at least twenty times a day and touching it another twenty times. I still couldn’t believe he’d given it to me. “You shitting me?” he barked.

“No.” I had a Graves jersey on.

“Oh.” Just like that, it was fine. “Carry on.” The man paused and seemed to think for a moment. “Would you tell him Gary from Denton hopes he doesn’t leave this shitty team? Excuse my French, but we’re fucked without him.”

What else was I supposed to say? “Okay. I will.” But by the time I glanced back at the field, the big guy had disappeared.

“That was awful,” Zac deadpanned.

The scoreboard was still lit up, mocking fans and the players who had by that point disappeared.

31-14.

Sheesh.

“I think we need to get the hell out of here,” Zac said from behind me as two people in the stands about five rows up started yelling at each other.

Yeah we did. “Come on,” I said, pointing toward where we needed to go. He put his hand on my shoulder and followed after me.

I squirmed my way through the masses walking up the stairs en route to the exit. The fans were so loud my ears ached. Fully conscious of the two passes in my pocket, I turned around by the concession stands as I found a small area that was out of the way of the human traffic trying to exit.

“Are you going to the family room?” he yelled so I could hear him.

The score loomed in my head and I shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you want to go?”

Zac shot me a look that reminded me of Aiden’s favorite one. “No.” That had been a stupid question, but he was kind enough not to point it out. “But you should.”

Going up to my tippy-toes, I said into his ear, “I don’t think he’d want to see me right now.”

He stepped back and clearly mouthed, “Go.”

I took a step toward him again. “I don’t like the idea of just dumping you and making you drive home alone,” I explained. “Plus, what if he doesn’t want to take me home?”

“Get outta here, Van. You’re not dumpin’ me, and we both know how Aiden’s takin’ this right now. Go. I might getta drink before I get home, but call if you need me.”

Yeah, I wasn’t feeling very optimistic or hopeful. I knew Aiden. I knew how he got after losses, especially a playoff loss that tanked so badly. Sure, maybe I’d slightly amused him by flipping him off, but I was pretty worried about going to see him.

Well shit. What was he going to do? Yell at me?

I didn’t consider myself a coward. Screw it.

With a hug and a promise that he wouldn’t drive drunk, I took the long way toward the family room. Security was tighter than usual, but I finally made it to my destination to find the family room overflowing with people. Small groups bundled together, faces grim, some forcefully bright, but mostly, it was a bunch of ‘aww shit.’

I wasn’t the only one sort of dreading seeing the person they were there for.

My thing was, I just wasn’t sure if Aiden would even want me around despite giving me a pass. He’d hinted that he wanted me to go to the game, but now that they’d lost… I palmed the peppermint patty I’d stuck in my pocket just in case. The man he used to be would have wanted to be alone, but this Aiden, the one I knew now… well, I wasn’t sure.

On the other hand, if he didn’t want to talk to me, if he would rather be by himself, I would understand. I wouldn’t hold it against him. I wasn’t going to let it hurt my feelings or bother me.

This was a business deal. We were friends.

That sounded about as hollow in my head as it felt in my heart. The season was over. What was he going to do now?

So it was that uncertainty that kept me in the corner by the hallway so I could keep an eye out and catch Aiden before he left.

Not long after I settled into my spot on the far side of the room, and after I’d waved at a few of the women who had been friendly with me in the past, a couple of players started trickling out of the locker room. More minutes passed and more men came out. But none of them were Aiden.

Rubbing my hands over my pants, I started messing with my phone, checking to see nothing really. I just hated standing there by myself. Shuffling from foot to foot, my thumb rubbed at the side of my wedding ring set, the slightly rounded edge of the stone an easy distraction as more guys came out, some of them glancing in my corner, but most of them heading straight toward their loved ones. As the minutes passed, the room emptied out, and I was left trying to decide how long to wait until I called a cab. Ten more minutes maybe? Zac had to be long gone by then, and I definitely wasn’t going to call Diana to come pick me up. According to her last text message two hours ago, she was spending time with her boyfriend. Yuck.

Rubbing my hands on my jeans again, I swallowed and waited. Then I started messing with the zipper of my jacket. Up and down. Up and down.

Ten minutes and still no Aiden. Three-fourths of the room had to have cleared out by that point.

I pulled out my phone and searched for the number to the taxi company. With a sigh, I glanced up just as I was about to hit the call icon on the screen, and spotted the big, dark-haired man coming down the hallway. His face was a cool mask that said, ‘Get out of my fucking way and don’t talk to me.’ The way he held his shoulders and the stern purse of his mouth said the same thing.

Well, shit.

For a second, I thought about keeping my mouth shut and hitting that call button but… I was there, wasn’t I? And I trusted him not to embarrass me.

I thought.

“Aiden?” I called out, a lot softer than I expected, and wanted.

Those dark eyes flicked from the floor to eye level before his even stride faltered and he paused in the hallway. He’d worn a suit to the game that day and the two-piece charcoal gray looked great. It was only the duffel hanging off his shoulder making him look like the Aiden Graves I knew—the one who didn’t feel comfortable in anything other than his favorite ten-year-old hoodie, shorts, and runners. A crease formed between those thick slashes called his eyebrows for only a second, before I could think twice about what I was doing, I waved.

More waving. Help me.

The corner of his mouth twitched, and I knew I’d made a mistake. I shouldn’t have come. I should have left with Zac.

His nostrils flared at the same time he took another step forward, and another, no words coming out of his mouth.

I was so dumb. So damn dumb. What had I done thinking that all those little things he’d been saying and doing actually might have meant something? Just because we’d told each other things that I was sure we hadn’t told anyone else, didn’t mean we were more than friends. You could trust someone and not be their friend… couldn’t you?

At the last second, he stopped in front of me. A foot taller than me, so much wider, Aiden was… he was huge. His presence was overpowering.

His body radiated heat and that wonderful clean scent of his skin; I swallowed as he stood in front of me. The swallow turned into a shaky, uncertain smile. “Hi, big guy. I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to come back or not, but—”

“Stop.” Aiden ducked his face at the same time those massive hands came up. One went to my cheek, the other went to cup the back of my neck. He kissed me.

Aiden kissed me.

His bottom lip went to my top one, his grip reassuring and unyielding as he dragged his mouth to kiss me fully. And I did what any sane person would have done: I let him, and I pressed my lips to his instinctively. Our mouths met in a peck that was followed by a big, guttural sigh fanning over my neck for a moment, his forehead pressing against mine.

Okay. All right.

Okay.

I didn’t know what the hell had just happened, but I wasn’t about to let myself overthink it.

My heart beating, I tipped my mouth up to kiss him the same way he had me, my hand reaching to touch the side of his neck. Dropping back to my heels, his forehead followed mine down. I drew my hand over to knead his thick trapezius muscles, copping a feel for what may or may not be the first and last time I would ever be able to.

I wanted to ask him if he was okay, but I knew the answer.

The deep sigh coming out of his chest told me what I needed to know. So I reached up with my other hand and began kneading the other side of his neck. Sure, he had trainers who did this, and he had enough money to pay a professional, but I massaged the tops of his traps anyway. The people surrounding us seemed so insignificant and small in that moment, in life in general, that I didn’t care they were around.

“That’s nice,” Aiden kind of whispered.

I only dug in harder with my thumbs, earning a small smile from the man who passed them out like they were golden tickets to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. I swore he was grumbling with pleasure like a big bear. “Better?” I asked once my fingers began to get tired, drawing my palms across his shoulders.

He nodded. “Much.”

“I’ll make you dinner when we get home. What do you say?”

“I’ll say okay.”

“Are you ready to go?”

He nodded once more, the small amount of pleasure on his face slowly draining.

Stepping back, I hesitated. Had I done too much? Was he already regretting kissing me? Which was stupid because if I gave myself the chance to think about it, I’d know Aiden didn’t do things he would regret…. Unless it was what he’d done to me before I quit. But I didn’t let myself think about it. “Do you mind giving me a ride, big guy? Zac took off.”

“He brought you?” he asked as he raised his chin, his gaze meeting my face.

I nodded.

“I’ll take you.” I smiled distractedly and let him lead me through the hallway, blatantly ignoring the teammates we passed, and nodding only at the venue’s employees who greeted him or wished him a good night.

Reaching his SUV, he unlocked the doors and opened the front passenger door, waving me in and closing the door behind me. By some miracle, I managed to keep my level of dumb-face to a minimum. Afterward, he threw his bag into the back and got inside. The silence wasn’t necessarily heavy on the drive home. I knew he must have had a hundred different things going on in his head, and I wanted to let him have his space.

Leaning my head against the window, I yawned and thought about all the things I needed to do when I got home, so that I wouldn’t think about the things I had no business putting too much thought into. Like that kiss in front of his teammates’ families and Three Hundreds’ staff.

“What are you thinking about?” Aiden asked out of the blue.

“I was just thinking about everything I need to pack for my trip to Toronto. Remember I told you I was going to that convention?” I explained. “What about you? What are you thinking of?” I asked before I could think twice about why I would ask him something I didn’t actually expect him to answer.

But he did.

“How ready I am to move on with my life.”

“You mean switch teams?” I grasped onto that with two hands. I could easily imagine how hard it was for him to be such a good player on such an inconsistent team. How could it not be discouraging?

He made a noise deep in his throat, his attention focused on the road ahead of him.

“Have you talked to Trevor about it anymore?”

“No. Last time we talked, he said there wasn’t a point in making plans until the season was over. He knows what I want to do. I don’t want to keep repeating myself. If he wants to pay attention, he can; if he doesn’t want to, he knows my contract with him is going to end right before I’m eligible to sign with another team.”

Huh. “Do you… know where you want to go?” I realized why we hadn’t talked about this topic before. He wanted to focus on the season, not on the what-ifs that would all take place afterward. But suddenly, there seemed to be so much pressure and focus on all the possibilities. The moving. The future.

Casually, casually, casually, he raised a shoulder. “How do you feel about heading up north?”

North? “How far north are we talking about?”

Those coffee-colored eyes peered at me over his shoulder. “Indiana… Wisconsin…” he threw out.

“Ah.” I looked forward to collect my words and put them in an order I wouldn’t regret. “I can live just about anywhere. I’ll just have to buy better winter clothes.”

“You think so?” Why did his voice sound so amused all of a sudden?

I snorted. “Yeah. Some winter boots, a scarf, and some gloves, and I’ll be fine. I think.”

“I’ll buy you a dozen jackets and winter boots, if that’s what you need,” he threw out there in a tone that was getting more amused by the second.

It made me perk up a little bit. “You don’t need to do that. You do enough for me as it is, big guy.”

His fingers drummed the steering wheel and he seemed to shake his head. “Van, I’ll buy you a jacket or ten if I want. We’re in this together.”

Ovaries. Where were my ovaries?

“Aren’t we?” Aiden suddenly asked in a hesitant voice.

I lifted my head off the window and really turned to look at him. There was something so devastating about his profile it was annoying. There was something about him that was so great it was annoying. He was so dumb sometimes I couldn’t handle it. “Yeah. Of course. We’re Team Graves.”

He made an amused sound and I suddenly remembered what I’d kept making myself put off asking him. “Hey, are you… when are you going to Colorado?” I mean, the season was over. The last two years, he’d left as soon as he was able to, yet this year, he hadn’t said a word to me. Then again, why would he? I wasn’t the one leasing out a house or making plans to rent a car or anything.

Just like that, his body language completely changed. He went rigid. His fingers curled over the steering wheel. His tongue poked at his cheek. “I’m supposed to leave the second week of February.”

“Oh.” That was about three weeks away. “Are you still going for two months?”

He didn’t vocalize his answer; he simply nodded.

But the response still hit my heart like a sledgehammer. He’d be gone for two months. Sure we didn’t have in-depth talks every day, but at least in the last month and a half, I couldn’t remember a day where I hadn’t spent some time with him, even if all we did was watch television quietly or sit on the floor with Leo between us.

“Cool,” I kind of mumbled, but it wasn’t cool at all.