The Wall of Winnipeg and Me: A Novel

“So how’s it going, living in sin?”

I gave an awkward laugh, shaking the wok in my hand at the same time. Uncomfortable laughs were what you got when you felt guilty. I still hadn’t told Diana that Aiden and I had gone to Las Vegas.

It was a damn miracle. She usually knew I started my period ten minutes after I did. We liked to celebrate another month of not being pregnant.

I could only think about two other things I’d ever lied to her about. Apparently, I liked to live life on the edge because I knew I was in for a reckoning the likes of which I’d never seen when she found out the truth. Because, at this point, I was in too deep and there was no way in hell I was going to admit what I’d done.

The biggest problem with lying to your closest friend was finding the right line to straddle. Enough truth to be believable but not enough of a lie so they could notice you were full of shit, which was exactly what I needed to find, so I went with diverting her attention by going for middle ground. “It’s going fine.”

“Fine? That’s it?”

“Yeah. Fine.” What the hell else could I say? While things between Aiden and I were better than they ever were, nothing amazing had happened. He lived his life and I lived mine. He was a busy guy; I’d always known that and nothing had changed. “The most exciting thing I’ve found out was that Aiden gets his groceries delivered once a week, and that he hired some lady who lives in Washington to answer his e-mails. Crazy stuff, huh?”

She went “hmm,” paused, and then asked, “Why does it feel like you’re lying to me?”

She could already tell. What the hell? And why was I surprised? “Because you’re crazy?” I offered, making a face into the phone in panic.

“Doubtful.”

“It’s more like a fact, but anyway, there’s nothing to tell you. We don’t see each other that much. The most he does is wave at me.” Sometimes he talked to me, but we didn’t have to be technical, did we?

“B-o-r-i-n-g.”

I groaned. “S-o-r-r-y.”

“Really? You don’t have anything juicy to tell me?”

“Nope.” I’d already worked for him for two years, if there was something bad to tell her, I couldn’t have told her anyway. I’d signed a non-disclosure agreement.

The disgruntled sound out of her mouth made me grin. “Fine. Are you going to El Paso this weekend after all?” she asked, already moving on, knowing if I hadn’t already told her something, I probably wouldn’t.

“Yes,” I confirmed with only the smallest bit of anxiety going through my stomach.

I was going to El Paso for my mom’s birthday.

Did I know I was more than likely going to regret taking the trip hours after I got there? Yes. Nine times out of ten, that had been the case.

But it was her fiftieth birthday, and her husband was planning a party for her. She’d love to see me there, he’d said to me. Lay on the guilt-trip, why didn’t he? I talked to her once a month. I figured that wasn’t too shabby to begin with considering everything.

From the way he’d made me feel, one call every four weeks wasn’t good enough. At least enough for me to feel obligated to go, even though my gut said it was a stupid idea.

“Where are you staying?”

“At a hotel,” I responded. I could stay with my mom if I wanted to, but I didn’t. The last time I’d stayed with her had ended terribly. There was also my two oldest sisters, but I’d rather camp out under a bridge than do that. Finally, there were my foster parents who I was planning on dropping by and visiting while I was in town, but I didn’t want to impose on them.

“Is Oscar going?” she asked about my little brother.

“No. He already started school.”

“Are you going by yourself?”

“Of course I’m going by myself,” I answered before thinking about just what I was saying.

Wasn’t the Three Hundreds’ bye week coming up? That was the week they got off a season to let the players rest. Should I go by myself? Would it be a good idea to take Aiden around my mom? My sisters? That idea had me cringing.

But I could have him around to break the news. Now that idea seemed like the only one that could have convinced me. There was no chance of my family members telling Diana or her family, so I wasn’t worried about it getting around that way. “Actually, maybe I won’t.”

The nosey broad took a swift intake of breath. “Really?”

“I might ask Aiden, so keep your mouth shut.”

“I will.” She was such a damn liar. I didn’t believe her at all. I didn’t believe she hadn’t told at least her brother that I was living with Aiden, but since no one had accused me of being a prostitute yet, I had started believing she’d actually kept her mouth shut for once in her life about why I’d moved in with him. She knew it was illegal, and we’d always joked that if one of us went to jail, we would both go, so we could pretend to be each other’s lovers.

The opening and closing of the garage door let me know someone was home. “I’ll tell everyone about your porn bookmarks if you don’t,” I threatened her with a snicker.

“I’m never going to live that down, am I?”

You never forget accidentally coming across your friend’s—predominantly man on man—porn bookmark folder, no matter how hard you try. “No.”

“Like you’ve never seen gay porn,” she sniped bitterly. “You think Susie might be at your mom’s?

And just like that, my nice, fine day was kicked in the shin. I bit the inside of my cheek and reached up to push my glasses further up my nose. “I don’t know. I talked to my mom a few days ago, but she didn’t mention anything.”

Not that my mom would.

If I did see Susie, chances were high it wasn’t going to end well. It never had. Even people I didn’t know who knew about our situation, were well aware that was a fact. We were like two magnets constantly repelling the other.

Damn it. I knew Diana was just trying to be helpful, but simply thinking about Susie made my head start hurting.

“I don’t think you should go by yourself or with Aiden, for the record.”

That wasn’t surprising. I just wished she wouldn’t have brought up Susie. “I know.”

“But you’re still going?”

I’d already given my word I would. How could I take it back? “Yes.”

She didn’t approve and it was evident over the phone.

“I want to finish eating so I can get back to work. I’ll text you later. Give the demons a hug from me next time you see them, and tell Drigo I haven’t forgotten he still has the DVDs I let him borrow a month ago,” I said to her, rubbing at one of my throbbing temples.

“I will. I’m babysitting them tomorrow. I’ll let you know when I’m off next week so I can do your hair again, ‘kay?”

We hung up just as the door that connected the garage to the kitchen opened and Aiden came in, his duffel in hand.

“Hi,” I said, turning off the stove.

“Hi, Vanessa.” Aiden dropped his bag on the floor by the door and then made his way toward where I was standing, his nostrils flaring at the smell of lentils, chopped vegetables, and sundried tomatoes mixing together. “Smells good.”

I gave him a side-look, only letting what seemed to be an extra-large shirt on his double-extra-large frame distract me for a second. “There’s enough for both of us, if you have a normal, human-sized meal instead of a Hulk-sized one.”

He sniffed, and I think it was more at my comment than to actually smell the food again. “Thank you,” he said, making his way toward the sink to wash his hands. He seemed to hesitate at the island for a minute before taking two plates down from the cupboard and setting them on the counter by the side of my hip.

When the timer for the noodles went off, I drained them, splitting up half the pot on two plates and leaving the other half in the pot. I scooped up the stir-fry and placed it on top of the noodles as Aiden put two red apples side by side in the spot he usually ate at.

We sat down to eat. Each of us just sitting there, not on our phones or computer or anything. Just… sitting there.

“Has Zac come down?” he suddenly asked.

“Once. He came out of his room around noon, but that’s it.” It had been almost a week since he’d been let go from the team, and apart from the day we’d gone out, he hadn’t left his room more than he needed to, which was solely for meals. He didn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything, and I wasn’t sure what to do, if I should even do something.

Aiden made a “hmm” noise.

“I don’t know what to say to him, or if I should do something,” I admitted. I wasn’t good at consoling people. I really wasn’t. Some people knew what to say in all types of situations, knew what words were needed, and they used them perfectly. Me? I usually just settled for an “I’m sorry.” I wasn’t good with words even though I did want to do something for Zac. I just didn’t know what.

The big guy raised his shoulder. “Give him some time,” he suggested.

Mr. Congeniality right here was trying to give me advice on what I should do? Did that mean I should do the opposite?

“Yeah, I guess I will,” I said, before my conversation with Diana came back to me. “Umm, I’m going to El Paso for a few days this weekend. Remember I told you?” I stabbed at a few pieces of pasta scattered around the plate. “It’s my mom’s birthday.”

He shifted in his stool, the side of his knee touching mine. “Okay.”

There was no reason for me to feel awkward. None. If he said he’d go, great. If he didn’t want to go, it wasn’t a big deal. “I was thinking… maybe you could come with me. I haven’t told her we got married, and I would rather tell her in person than let them find out some other way.” I fidgeted in my seat and slanted him a look out of the corner of my eye.

Aiden simply forked some food into his mouth, chewing slowly.

I scratched at my ear. “If you want.” Then I added, “It’s just for the weekend.”

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Why had I even bothered saying anything?

Aiden scratched at his jaw with the end of the fork in his hand. He twisted his lower body in his seat, his knee hitting the side of my leg again before he said, “I’d need to be back Sunday night.”

I almost had to do a double take. “Really?”

He shrugged down at his food, super casual, or at least as casual as someone his size could be. Honestly, I was surprised he could fit that butt onto one stool. I was even more surprised the stool’s legs hadn’t given out yet under his weight. “Yeah,” was his reply.

“Oh… okay. I was planning on leaving Friday. It’s an eight hour drive.”

That had his face swinging to me, his expression going from blank to disturbed in a second flat. “You want to drive there?”

I nodded.

He stared at me for a second longer before reaching into his pocket, pulling out his black leather wallet, and then holding a silver credit card out in my direction. “Buy two tickets and rent a car. I don’t do long road trips.”

Did I know he didn’t like riding in a car for longer than absolutely necessary? Yes, but I wanted to cross my eyes anyway. If I didn’t have to do an eight-hour road trip, I wasn’t going to, especially not if I wasn’t paying for it.

He couldn’t be considered my sugar daddy if we were legally married, right?

Shoving the thought aside, I took the card from him hesitantly. “Are you sure?”

He didn’t hold back his eye roll. “Get an afternoon flight, they usually let us out around three.” He eyeballed me from the side. “Don’t rent one of those tiny economy cars either just to save money.”

Yeah, his bossiness was bringing back not the best of memories. I nodded anyway and held his card between my fingers, hesitating. “Is this supposed to be a test?” I asked hesitantly.

Back to being busy eating, it took him a second to answer before he turned to me with a furrow between those thick eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”

“Is this a test?” I wiggled his credit card. “To see if I’ll spend your money or offer to pay for my own ticket.”

That full bottom lip of his dropped just a little, his eyelids hanging low. Then he shook his head slowly, so slowly I knew he was exasperated… or he thought I was a complete idiot. One or the other. Maybe both. “Don’t be dumb. I wouldn’t offer to pay for the tickets if I didn’t want to. You know me better than that.”

He had me there. I shrugged. “Okay. All right.” Sheesh. “I just wanted to be sure because if you want to pay for them, I’m not going to tell you no.”

“Just buy the tickets and rent the car.” He got up with his plate in hand and walked around to the sink before adding, “Where are we staying?”

“I was planning on staying at a hotel.”

“Good. What are you going to tell your family?”

I scratched at the back of my neck before picking at my food. “Just my mom. I don’t—my sisters don’t need to know. Either way, no one’s finding out the truth. They don’t know I’m living with you. I figured—” Shit. What? Was I expecting my mom to not remember who I worked for? Of course she remembered. Now. Ten years ago, she didn’t remember half the time that she’d given birth to me and I relied on her. That was an easier truth to consider than the idea that she loved drinking more than she loved her kids.

I needed to stop. I needed to stop five seconds ago. Everything in my life had worked out for the better. I had no reason to complain. My life was better than fine. Way better.

With that reminder, I cleared my throat and pasted a playful tone to my words. “If she asks, I’ll just tell her I quit and you came after me. You realized how madly in love with me you were—”

Honest to God, he snorted.

I put my hand on top of the table and extended my middle finger at him even though I smiled. “—and you can’t live without me, so we eloped. I figured I should stick with at least a partial truth so it doesn’t get too complicated. You got a problem with that?”

Aiden shook his head, the corners of his mouth pulled tight in a smirk that eased my soul a little more. Everything in my life had worked out. “No.”

Jackass. I couldn’t help but snicker. “You’ll take one for the team then, so that can be the story we tell everyone who finds out?”

“What team?” he asked.

“You and me. Team Graves-Mazur. We signed a contract together. Sort of.” I smiled.

That bearded chin dipped to his neck, and I could see his mouth twitching. “All right. I’ll take one for the team.”

It was five minutes before we were supposed to be leaving for the airport, and Aiden wasn’t home yet.

He hadn’t answered the three times I’d called, and there was no way for him to know about the ten other times I’d picked up the phone but talked myself out of dialing. Where the hell was he?

I’d been ready all morning. I’d even made him lunch so he could eat it on the way to the airport since I’d known he’d be hungry after watching game footage for a few hours before the players were dismissed for the week.

But he wasn’t home. He wasn’t home. And we needed to leave.

I was pacing. My bag was already by the front door, and if I didn’t leave in five minutes, I would more than likely not make the flight.

The abrupt ringing of my phone from its spot in my back pocket immediately snapped me out of my freak out. Sure enough, Miranda P. appeared on the screen and a bad premonition pinched my gut.

“Hello?”

“Vanessa.” There was a noise in the background that sounded like someone laughing. “I’m not going to make it.”

Disappointment like I hadn’t known in forever—if I let myself think about it, I would realize the last time had been back when he’d let Trevor talk about me—squeezed the base of my skull. I wanted to ask him why. I wanted to ask him why he’d waited so long to call or why he hadn’t at least texted me if he’d known he wasn’t going to make it, but I couldn’t make myself do it. Chest tight, head suddenly hurting, I asked, “Are you okay?” even as anger fisted my fingers.

“Yes” was his curt, distracted response.

“Okay.” I swallowed hard and clenched my eyes closed. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Yeah, that didn’t help as much as it should have. “I’m leaving the house then. I’ll be back on Sunday.”

“Leslie is coming into town.”

That’s fine swam along my tongue, but I bit it back. It wasn’t fine. I was pissed off at him for wasting my time and making plans for him to go along with me. I was mad at myself for expecting—for getting a little, tiny bit excited—about him coming with me. I’d never taken anyone with me to El Paso before.

That only made me angrier. “I understand. I need to get my stuff in the car. I’ll see you in a few days.”

He might have said bye, but he might have not. I didn’t know because I hung up on his ass.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

What the hell had I been thinking? I knew the only person I should blame was myself. Why had I even bothered inviting him? I should have kept my mouth shut and not said anything. I’d made him food and wasted hours of my life stressing about having to explain to him my family situation.

God, I was so, so stupid.

What had made me think he would actually cut into his bye week to go somewhere with me when the last two bye weeks he’d stayed at home to train?

I was an idiot.

I ran up the stairs to my bedroom and yanked my checkbook out of my desk drawer. I wrote out a check for the cost of my plane ticket and the entire amount for the SUV rental I’d booked with him in mind. My soul wept a little—it was ten jobs worth of money—but I signed the damn check and eyed the Hello Kitty image printed on the background with a little grumble of my own. In less than a minute, I was down in the kitchen, slapping the stupid check on the counter and flipping it off while imagining it was Aiden’s face before walking away.

I threw my bag into the backseat of my Explorer a little more forcefully than I needed to and took off, hoping to catch my flight.

“I thought you were bringing a friend,” my mom noted almost immediately after ushering me through the door.

I blew out a breath and rolled my shoulders, pasting a tight smile on my face. I took in the tall, slim, and nearly blonde woman who I used to think was so beautiful when I was a little kid and in her far and few between moments of being wonderful. Especially then. I’d loved the hell out of her before I knew better, and that thought made my heart ache for kid-Vanessa who hadn’t known any better for a while.

It was easy to forget someone so perfect looking had once been a functioning alcoholic. Then again, that’s why she’d gone so long without anyone noticing she had a problem. Luckily, she was fine now, which was why I’d come so far for her birthday.

On the flight over, I’d mentally prepared myself for this situation and what was the best way to handle it. We already had one idiot in the family thanks to Susie. We didn’t need another one. So I was going to play dumb and downplay it.

“He had something come up at the last minute,” I explained vaguely, looking around the house I’d only been in a handful of times before. It was nice. Really nice. Her husband of the last five years was a divorce attorney she’d met at AA. He seemed like a nice enough guy and my little brother had spoken very highly of him.

“That’s too bad,” my mom said. I could sense her looking me over. “You don’t want to bring your bag inside?”

I made sure to meet her eyes before I answered. I didn’t want to feel ashamed for not wanting to stay with her, and I wouldn’t let myself be. If she really put her mind to it, she’d remember how shitty things went when I stayed with her. “I checked in to my hotel already.”

The truth was, I’d checked into my hotel the day before. Afterwards, I’d gone to see my foster parents and had dinner there. I talked to my foster dad pretty often—in my case once every few weeks was often—and told them I’d married Aiden. My foster dad had looked at me from across the table where I’d eaten dinner seven days a week for four years of my life and asked in a serious voice, “You couldn’t have married someone who plays for Houston?”

I’d forgotten how much he hated the Three Hundreds.

This morning I’d had breakfast with my foster mom. But I didn’t tell my mom about any of those things. Anytime I brought up my foster parents, this glazed look came over her eye that I wasn’t fond of.

“Oh.” It was the sharp inhale before her smile that told me she understood enough. “In that case, I’m glad you’re here early.”

I smiled back at her, a small one, a half-assed one. “Do you need help with anything for the party?”

“We almost have everything together already…” she trailed off, her features turning unnecessarily bright. Forced.

This sudden feeling of dread put me on alert. “Who helped?”

She named her husband. Slipping her arm over my shoulder, she pulled me into her side, kissing my forehead—I fought that tiny urge to pull away from her—and I knew. I fucking knew what she was going to say. “And Susie and Ricky.”

My entire body went rigid. I swear, even my knee started aching in recognition. My heart went double-time.

“Vanessa,” my mom said my name like it was made of eggshells. “They’ve been staying with us. I didn’t want to tell you because I was worried you wouldn’t come.”

I wouldn’t have. She had that right.

“She’s your sister,” Mom said, giving me a shake that wasn’t distracting me from the fact I was going to have to count to a thousand so I wouldn’t lose it. “She’s your sister,” she repeated.

Susie was a lot of things, and a fucking bitch was at the top of the list. Anxiety and a not insignificant amount of anger flooded my veins. How could she do this?

“Vanessa, please.”

Why would she try to ambush me like this? First it was Aiden. Now it was my own mom ambushing me with Susie and her asshole.

“Be nice. For me,” she insisted.

I was going to end up at the liquor store before the day was over. I could already feel it.

The urge to be mean gripped my tongue. I wanted to ask her about the hundreds of times she hadn’t done something for me. I really did. On my best days, I was convinced I’d forgiven her for the days at a time she never came home. For making me resort to having to steal money from her purse to buy groceries because she’d forgotten again how there wasn’t anything to eat at home. For leaving me alone and forcing me to deal with three angry, mean older sisters who couldn’t have cared any less about my little brother and me.

But I couldn’t get myself to go there. Regardless of how many years she’d been sober, I knew now that my mom hung by a thread. She had a problem and she was dealing with it, even if it was twenty years too late to take back her mistakes.

All I could do was grunt; I couldn’t promise her anything. I really couldn’t, no matter how badly I wanted to tell her this could be the first time since we were kids that Susie and I wouldn’t end up wanting to kill each other within minutes of being face-to-face. Good grief, that was sad. It seemed liked we hadn’t ever gotten along, and by that, I meant my slightly older sister—only by a year and a half—had singled me out and hated my guts for as long as I could remember.

I’d taken a lot of shit from her for those first few years. She’d bullied the hell out of me. It had started off with her pinching me whenever our mom wasn’t around, which was always, then progressed to name calling, evolved to stealing the few things I had and then ended with physical confrontations. She’d been an asshole forever.

Then one day, when I was probably fourteen, I decided I was done taking her shit. Unfortunately, she kicked my ass and I’d ended up in the emergency room with a broken arm after she’d pushed me down the stairs. It was that broken arm that had led Child Protective Services to our house because our mom hadn’t shown up to the hospital after she’d had people try to contact her. The five of us got split up after that night, and it was only at one other point, four years later that I lived with my mom or sisters again. That hadn’t ended well at all.

It was a painful, miserable history I’d given up on a long time ago.

I had accepted that there was something wrong with all of my sisters but mainly Susie. As I got older, I realized that chances were high my mom had drank while she’d been pregnant with them. They were all small, unlike my little brother and me, and had learning and behavioral problems. While I accepted now that they couldn’t help most of the things that were wrong with them, it didn’t help ease my resentment much.

For the sake of my relationship with my mom, we avoided bringing Susie up and she only briefly mentioned my other two sisters once a year.

Until shit like this.

I seriously couldn’t believe Susie and Ricky were staying there, and that no one had warned me. Diana was going to lose it when I told her.

“Vanessa, please. I’m so happy you’re here. I’ve missed you. You never come visit enough,” my mom laid the guilt-trip road down for me thick.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

There was nothing in this world I couldn’t do, I reminded myself. Everything in my life had worked out. I had more than I’d ever imagined. The past didn’t matter anymore.

With a deep breath, I forced out an “Okay,” gritting my teeth the entire time.

“Yes?” she asked, beaming with hope.

I nodded, urging my muscles to stop locking up. I knew what I was going to say was an asshole comment. I realized I was being immature, but I really couldn’t find it in my soul to care. “Yeah. I’ll play nice as long as she does.”

The sigh she let out?

Yeah, she knew. She knew Susie didn’t know how to be nice.