The Rule Book: A Novel

I shut my eyes and let out a breath. “It’s against the rules to—”

“Tell me. Please. I need to know.” His voice is more desperate than I’ve ever heard it.

I look into his eyes and transport myself back to when I was a senior in college looking at changing her whole life for an up-and-coming athlete. I let in all the feelings I’ve spent years trying to block out. Partly from pain, partly from guilt.

“I was scared,” I say honestly.

His brows furrow and he takes a tentative step forward. “Scared of what?”

“You,” I breathe out. “Of how I felt about you.”

He watches me like I’m changing shape before him.

I move a step toward him too, feeling like the room is slowly being zapped of oxygen. “You weren’t supposed to happen, Derek. I had a solid plan for my life, and love wasn’t supposed to factor in until much later.”

But one look at Derek at that party and I was a goner. I remember it like it was yesterday. The jolt to my nervous system. The grip of my body that said, Him…he’s important.

“When I met you, and I fell hard for you, it terrified me. And then suddenly my grades were dropping because I was spending so much time with you, and there was all this talk about where you were going in the NFL, and your fame was building quickly.” I’m talking fast but I can’t bring myself to slow down now that I’m finally saying the words out loud. “And if all of that wasn’t scary enough, the day I broke up with you, I learned that I got an awful grade on my econ final, which almost made me fail the entire class. It was a huge wake-up call for me. Especially if I wanted to get into grad school.”

Seeing that grade felt like a blow to who I was as a person. I had a 4.0 in high school and was valedictorian. I wasn’t someone who slacked in her classes. But suddenly, I had become that person all for a guy, and I hated it—was afraid of what other parts of myself I’d give up if I stayed with him.

Besides, if my dad taught me anything, it’s that men are not worth pinning your future happiness on. They leave when they’re bored. And I had no way of knowing how long it would take for Derek to get tired of me. It was all such a big risk to take on at the cusp of my career. I needed to keep fighting for myself.

Now, I study the sharp angles of Derek’s face, which somehow looks even more cruelly beautiful when he’s frowning like this. He shakes his head, but the motion is tense. “I…I didn’t know your grades were even suffering. If you’d told me, I would have done more to help—studied with you or something.”

“You would have?” I ask honestly, remembering the way Derek’s main mission in life seemed to be getting me to put away my textbook and play with him instead. “I definitely think the Derek you are now would have helped me. But the fun-loving, play-all-the-time Derek I was dating…yeah, he would have told me not to worry about it. I think you would have offered to marry me and support me instead, promising I’d never have to work a day in my life.”

Derek’s eyes flash with something I don’t recognize, but a second later it’s gone, and he just looks sad. “I still wish you’d told me this when you were breaking up with me. Even if I didn’t understand then—it would have helped to know later. It would have helped…” He shifts on his feet like his vulnerability is literally killing him. I’m shocked when he actually finishes his sentence. “It might have stopped hurting sooner if I’d known.”

This time, I feel the hit.

The word sooner implies that he’d been hurting for a long time. But that can’t be right. He moved on with that other woman so fast. Then again, maybe just like how there was more behind my stone-cold breakup that Derek never saw, maybe there was more he never let me see too.

“You’re right. I should have been honest with you back then, but I felt too selfish choosing myself over us, and I couldn’t find a way to explain that I didn’t want to put my dreams on hold at such a young age to chase yours.” I roll my lips between my teeth, hating that sting of guilt I still feel. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Derek—and for the way I ended it. I wasn’t ready or mature enough for the kind of love we had.”

“You don’t think we would have made it?” he asks, and the hope I hear in his voice breaks me. But I can’t lie to him.

I shake my head softly. “No. As much as I loved you—there were a lot of things I needed to experience in life that I wouldn’t have been able to if I had followed you after graduation. I think we would have tried very hard for a while, and then we would have felt the pull of two different dreams ripping us apart. That was something I couldn’t stomach the thought of. And maybe none of those reasons are good enough for you to forgive me but—”

“They are,” he says gently, but still the force of those words hits me like a boulder to the chest. I can’t breathe. Can’t do anything besides blink at Derek’s face as I watch the harsh lines soften. This time, he’s the one taking shape in front of me. This isn’t Derek the young reckless boy—this is Derek the man.

He moves even closer to me, and my skin vibrates with awareness, disappointed when he stops a few inches away. He doesn’t make any moves to touch me, but it’s clear in his burning sapphire eyes that something new is unraveling between us. A truce. Maybe even empathy.

Whatever baggage we carried into this room, we’re not leaving with it.

Derek’s chest expands with a breath. “It might not have been a good enough reason for me back then when I was twenty-four and immature, but now…” He shifts on his feet. “It makes sense to me, Nora.”

“Really?” I ask, my eyes misting over. I had no idea until this moment how much I needed to hear that from him. Needed to hear that he understands the choice I made and maybe doesn’t hate me for it.

His eyes run over my jaw and mouth like a caress. The look he’s giving me now reminds me we were something special once. That I was something special to him once.

“I think…” He takes a breath, eyes floating back up to mine. “I’ve been holding on to a hurt that maybe I should have let go of a long time ago.”

I want to tip forward. There’s an invisible string tied from his lips to mine and it’s tugging hard. The pull is almost too much to withstand, so I inch closer. “I never even realized I hurt you, Derek. You just walked away when I ended it. You took the box from me and turned around without another word. So I knew you were angry—but hurt? You didn’t show it.”

“That’s apparently what I do best.” His smile is achingly sad. “I’m sorry, Nora. I’m sorry for all of it—including treating your career like a pawn in my stupid game.” His hand brushes mine and I can’t tell if it’s intentional or not. But my body feels that small touch in every corner.

“It’s okay. We had a messy start,” I say, nearly breathless.

“No.” His voice is stern. “It’s not okay. I was an asshole to you these last two weeks, and I’m very sorry.”

My lips part but I barely know what to say. This feels like a dream. “I’m sorry too.”

We both stand in silence for a few moments, absorbing this new reality and what it means for us. We’re so close that my face has to angle up to see him, and with every inhale, our chests nearly touch. Neither of us moves away—and when I feel that familiar glimmer between us pull taut, I’m struck with the realization that I never want to be separated from Derek again. I want him to touch me. To put his hands on my hips and tug me to him until there’s zero separation between us. My body is craving a pressure that only he can satisfy.

But now our careers are tangled up together and a relationship could get messy very quickly. Not only that, but I’ve seen the way athletes go through relationships like water. The way Derek has gone through relationships. I might still have feelings for him, but I’m not sure I have trust. And I definitely don’t have it in me to just hook up with him and go about life business as usual tomorrow.

So it looks like our only option right now is…

“Can we be friends?” My voice is embarrassingly full of hope.

I see the exact moment Derek’s eyes shutter closed, and I know my hope was misplaced. He takes a large step away from me and rubs the back of his neck. “No. I’m sorry, but…I can’t be friends with you again, Nora.”

Because he doesn’t want to be? Because there’s too much history between us? I can’t bring myself to ask—and furthermore, I get the feeling he’s putting up a boundary by not immediately explaining why.

“Right. And that’s okay. Perfectly good actually.” I shift awkwardly on my feet. “It’s understandable and noble and…other adjectives that I can’t think of at the moment.”

Derek stares at me as he sighs. I would give anything to get inside his head. “But…” he begins, jaw flexing against the word. “I will pick you up before our flight Friday morning.”

I blink, wide-eyed at him. “You’re going to go to Vegas with me?”

He presses his lips together and instinctively I know this choice is costing him. “Yeah. I won’t get in the way of your career anymore, rookie. And I do need help with mine since it seems you’re not going to let me tap out early.” He smiles tentatively. “I’ll sign the deal and go with you to Vegas.”