The Alpha's Daydream

I grip the doorpost and feel his words smack into me like a tidal wave of relief. “Who?”

Malachi huffs and runs a hand through his hair, an action I’ve come to know means he’s frustrated and agitated, tired of not being in control of the situation.

“It’s complicated. Hamilton and I aren’t even sure yet, but we’re close. We can feel it.”

“Then tell me who you’re suspect of? Who do you think could have murdered your warriors so disgustingly?”

His eyes snap to mine, the blue a riot of crashing waves. “That’s the point. It’s a terrible accusation to make, so we’re not calling it yet. We have to go over the facts again, see if there’s anything we missed.”

He looks tired, and troubled with the fact that he still hasn’t yet found the person causing such crimes in his pack. As Alpha, he wants to protect everyone, I know.

“So do you think you can solve it? You’ll be able to stop them before anyone else gets hurt, right?” I’d nearly forgotten about the threat to our lives, so caught up have I been with my own dilemmas with Malachi and the others around here. I’ve been so busy trying to be accepted, when I should be focused on keeping everyone safe.

“That’s the plan.” He takes a few steps away and I follow him again until we are in our room. “But that was also my plan before the others got killed. I couldn’t save them, so who’s to say I am going to save the next one?”

He looks at with such turmoil and pain in his eyes, that it grabs at my heart and pulls me into his despair. I realise I am feeling his emotions, with his mark on my neck. However, I’m only getting a taste of what’s going on in his head. His face is still used to wearing a mask, still hiding so much that I want to know and understand about my Alpha mate.

“You can’t think like that, that someone is going to get hurt. You have to believe you’ll catch them in time.”

“There’s no room for that kind of blind optimism when the matter is life or death. I can’t risk failing my pack again.” Malachi sits on the edge of our bed and buries his face in his hands. “So many things are going on and I don’t know how to handle it best for everyone’s sake. It’s seem no matter what I do, someone is upset. Then I try something else, and someone else feels like I’m giving them the raw deal. I just…. I can’t be the Alpha my father was, but whatever else I do just doesn’t seem to be working either.” He spills his inner turmoil through words, and I can’t be more thankful that he’s opening up to me.

I crawl onto the bed behind him and place my hands on his shoulders, lightly massaging them and his neck. I want to ease the stress from his posture and help him relax. He won’t be able to think as clearly as possible if his body is tense and stressed.

“You can’t please everyone,” I say gently. “Just make a list of your priorities, care less what others think of you if you are sure you’re doing the right thing by everyone.” I place a kiss on top of his head, breathing deeply of his scent. Chestnuts mingled with tropical coconut. My wolf is melting in delight and I wrap my arms around my mate, giving him a tight squeeze. “Come on, looks like you need some sleep.”

He nods, and we silently prepare for bed, sharing a tentative smile in the bathroom mirror as we brush our teeth side by side.

The night passes slowly for me, with Malachi breathing easy beside me. We don’t touch, we don’t snuggle, he doesn’t even lay his arm over my waist. He keeps his respectful distance and my heart winces at the proverbial chasm between us.

There are so many words swarming around in my head that I want to say to him, but we remain silent. We don’t even speak about the kiss we shared earlier. Does it fill his mind as much as it does mine? Can he still taste my lips on his the way I taste his, the silky caress replaying over and over, as if his very touch is imprinted on me forever now. I hold on to the memory of his arms around me tightly even though in reality I only feel the slight warmth of his body lying a few feet from me. It practically taunts me with how out of reach it now seems. He is the Alpha. And though I understand all about that title and rank, it is like Malachi is from a completely different world to me.

Finally sunlight creeps through the slits between the blinds and I sigh in relief, barely having had any sleep. All I can think about is Malachi solving all the problems so we can finally be together like any normal couple. But I know there will always be issues and pressing matters for an Alpha to attend to. Should we keep putting us off until life is calm and perfect? A perfect that is non-existent?

Despite my pessimism, I give Malachi the space and respect he needs.

I lay in bed for a few moments when he stirs, and feel him press a kiss to my forehead.

“I’m going for an early run with Hamilton. I’ll be back for breakfast.”

I rest a while longer, feeling more at ease without the tension between us, and slowly get up to start my day when the room is awash in golden sunlight.

I make breakfast quietly so as not to wake anyone who might be in the house, and then sit at the bench to draw until Malachi comes back. Another dream plagued me last night, and I have to draw it on paper in order to process and make sense of it.

It isn’t long until I hear the back door open and the scent of my mate overpowers the blueberry muffins I have baking.

“Good morning,” he brushes a hand over my shoulder and squeezes it. “I trust you slept well?”

The way he speaks is so proper and suits his aloof demeanor perfectly.

“Of course,” I smile and flip over the page in my art book casually.

The keen Alpha doesn’t miss the sly action.

“Let’s see what you’ve drawn this time,” he holds my eyes with his own intense gaze, sliding the book from my hands, giving me plenty of time to protest. Yet I don’t.

“Oh, wow,” he exhales, his chest rising and falling as he cools down from his run, sweat glistening on his powerful biceps and forearms. “A house fire? Not a very happy subject to draw about.”

“The picture isn’t about the housefire.” I scoot my chair closer to his and peer around his arm.

“Ah yes, there’s a man rescuing someone.”

“His beloved.”

“And he… has wings?” Malachi peers closer at the image of the man protecting the woman from the heated flames, broad feathered wings extending from his muscled back and wrapping around both him and his woman. She is staring into his eyes, her lips only inches from his, as she is lost in the safety he provides from the flames that leap and lick around them.

“He’s an angel, but not just any angel. He’s her guardian, created for her exclusively. He is real, and she feels him no matter how far apart life takes them. He is always there for her, especially when she is in danger.”

“That’s a nice sentiment,” my mate looks at it for a moment longer before pushing the book back my way. “You have a very beautiful imagination, Ariella. If only real life were as special.”

“Oh, but it can be. If you look hard enough,” I cast him a sideways smile, and he just laughs. He doesn’t know I’m serious. He doesn’t know what I see him as.

An angel.

And a demon.

Demons of darkness and pain everywhere, but mostly in my dreams. Maybe this pack is haunted by demons. Maybe they are only in my dreams which then bleed into my reality, I don’t know.

But I do know what I see is important, so that’s why I draw everything in tangible ink. So I don’t forget.

I not only see it, I feel it.

Shivers run down my spine even as Malachi holds my hand in his, warming me, while he eats breakfast. There’s this pull between us that both excites and frightens me. Our bond is strengthening and though my whole heart wants this, a small part of my head whispers doubts. What if Malachi really is a dark monster that I don’t what to be bound to? What if he can’t be the Alpha this pack needs and more of his members are killed?

What if he can’t protect me?

Pushing that thought aside, I tell myself I can trust him. He’s my mate, and he hasn’t given me any reason so far to not trust him.

“I drew this one for you,” I say as I pull out a folded piece of paper and slide it across to him.

He opens it slowly, a faint smile tugging at his lips, then he grins after inspecting the picture for a full minute. “It’s amazing. Is it anyone in particular?”

All the picture is, is of an eye. A beautifully detailed crystal blue eye with silver flecks, surrounded by the sweep of soft fur that encases a wolf’s face.

“You, of course.”

He chuckles, then tucks the picture in his pocket. “Thank you. It truly is good. You have amazing talent, Ari. Anyway,” he rises and puts his empty plate on the sink, “Today, I’ve arranged for someone to stay with you, just for safety.”

His words startle me. “Stay with me? Like I’m being babysat? What if I want to go out somewhere?”

He loosens a sigh. “I don’t mean it like that. Of course you can go out, but I just want someone to be with you at all times, like a personal guard. You remember Devanshi, don’t you? She’s a good warrior and I’m sure you’ll get along.”

I nod, remembering one of the shewolves I met the night of our bonfire, and am happy to spend more time with the sweet yet strong girl. “Sure.”

It seems just as we finish discussing her, a knock sounds on the back door and Malachi lets her in.

“Okay, you two have fun today. Ariella, I’ll be working with Hamilton all day, following up on some leads we found this morning. Just come find Gamma Hendrik or Beta Knight if you need anything.”

I give him a small parting hug.

“See you later, my Dreamer,” he whispers into my hair, and then he is out the door.

“So…” Devanshi leans against the bench top and gives me a secretive smile. “Are these muffins all yours or are you willing to share with your personal bodyguard?”

I didn’t miss the way her eyes followed my mate appreciatively. “Well, the Alpha’s all mine, but you can definitely help yourself to these,” I take them off the cooling rack and hand her the biggest one. She’s perfectly slim and toned so I don’t feel guilty giving her this sugary treat.

“So what do you want to do today?” Devanshi asks as we head outside, my art bag slung over my shoulder.

I take a deep breath of the fresh morning air, letting the scents of earth and forest fill my lungs, and squint my eyes against the bright sun. “Let’s just take it slow, do some exploring and drawing of the countryside, and see who we run into. I’d love to meet more of the pack.”

Devanshi nods, her long black hair swaying over her shoulders down to her waist before she takes it between her fingers and deftly weaves it into a thick braid.

“Sound like a nice idea. You know, what you did the other night for the pack was really cool. I wanted to thank you for making an effort for us. My friends and family had a great time around the bonfire. It’s not often we all get the chance to just have fun, so thank you,” she fixes her dark brown eyes on me, her smile so full and bright it lifts my heart to the clouds.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. I just hope it achieved what I wanted it to. A lot of wolves didn’t even turn up. Did it really bring the pack together like I wanted, or help them see that Malachi is worth trusting?”

“Well, it helped my dad to change his mind. He’s decide to accept Alpha Malachi’s request to be his Head Guard. For months he’s been declining. Even though he’s been unofficially protecting our borders, he didn’t want to take orders from and report to the Alpha. But now he’s decided to give Alpha Malachi the respect and follow him as leader.”

“Wow, that’s super! I’m so happy he’s decided to do that. But why now? Was he ever going to before something changed?”

“I think he was kind of waiting until the Alpha’s birthday before submitting to his leadership, but what’s a number, you know? I think he’s realised, like us, that just because Alpha Malachi is young that it doesn’t mean he’s not mature enough for the rank of Alpha.”

“Yeah, that’s right. You can be wise or foolish at any age.”

“Sure, I agree. However, being older does mean you have more experiences that can help you make better decisions. But that doesn’t mean we should discount someone just because they’re young. We can all contribute in our own way. I think Alpha has a lot of good ideas on how to make this pack better, it’s just a matter of time before everyone gets on board. ”

“I’m so glad you think that,” I give Devanshi a happy smile and feel some anxiety slip off my shoulders. “I was despairing of anyone thinking that way. So … who was head guard before your dad took on the position?”

“Gamma Hendrik has been unofficially doing the duties on top of his own. But there’s only so much work one man can do, so I’ve been helping him out.”

“Sure, okay.”

We chat a bit more, and I find I really enjoy Devanshi’s company, that we are more alike than first realised, and the day goes quickly as we spend time with other pack members together. Her little brother Jarrall joins us, as well as Sammy, and we trek around the territory’s residential estates before having lunch together with Devanshi’s large family. Her mother insists I don’t help with any of the cooking, that it is her honour to serve the new Luna of the pack, and I feel so touched that I can’t stop smiling.

I’m stuffed with so much curry and biryani and other oriental dishes by the time we head down to the training field for the afternoon exercise.

“Hey, Ariella, ready to learn something new?” Harlow waves me over to her group of friends and I internally groan. The shewolf rubs me up the wrong way and I’m still figuring out why. With a polite smile slapped on my face, I begin some warm up stretches before our training gets under way.

Harlow takes charge of everyone, telling us the routine and exercises we’ll be doing today. An obstacle course has been set up and she puts us in teams to race each other around it. I’m placed in a group of skinny, uncoordinated wolves like myself, and I almost wonder if Harlow wants to see us fail. The confident, vivacious shewolf prances around in her crop top and short gym shorts, her toned legs and stomach on full display. She commands the men with a flick of her wrist and glance of her eyes. She is everything I’m not, as I look down at my lack of curves and loose-fitting, modest outfit. I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to her, but I can’t help it sometimes. So maybe I have other talents, but are they really useful when it comes to leading a pack?

Harlow is everything a Luna needs to be, while I’m a smudge of daydreams amongst the bright stars of space.

A dreamer.

While jogging laps around the field, I spot the Alpha and Beta standing together by the tree line of the western forest. They are facing us, watching the routines with a far off expression in their eyes, like their minds are a million miles away. They are talking in such low tones that I can’t hear even a whispered breath. When training draws to a close, an older warrior jogs up to them, and they stand close to discuss something deeply.

I’m relieved that they seem to be getting somewhere in their investigation into the killer, I muse as I watch them run off together down a leafy trail, disappearing in the shadows of the trees. I can slightly sense Malachi’s increased heart rate, as it beats even harder than my own while I’m exercising. I pray he finds answers and we can catch the killer.

Once everyone is safe and happy, we can finally focus on other things.

Things like us.

Once training is over, Devanshi and I head back to the Alpha estate, and I invite her to stay for a snack before she runs back home with another of her brothers.

After I shower and change into clean pyjamas, I go back to the kitchen to prepare dinner for my mate and I, and find Luna Seneca there making a drink.

“Oh, hi,” I smile brightly, “How are you feeling? Is your head better?” I remember how terrible she looked when I saw her yesterday, and how bad I felt for making her migraine worse with my playing music.

“I am alright, now,” she rubs her forehead with her slim fingers and gives me a cursory glance, up and down my body. I feel so frumpy in my cotton shorts and shirt while she is dressed all in black silk. “I suppose you’re here to get some dinner.”

I hear her words and see her lips move, but something else plays in my mind. As if her thoughts are projected to me, I get the feeling she doesn’t want me here.

How dreadful that you arrived to destroy my peace and quiet tonight. I was just fine before you tripped down those stairs like an ill-bred mongrel.

“Ah, yes. I was going to prepare some food for Malachi. You’re welcome to join us,” I manage to say around the growing fist in my throat.

Her eyes hold mine in their onyx depths. “That would be wonderful.”

I don’t know why you think I’d want to spend time with you, let alone eat dinner you prepared.

“Uhh...it will be delicious, I assure you. I thought I’d make some salad, and steamed vegetables with gravy.” I move to get a pot and pan out, before going to the fridge for vegetables. My movements are stiff and wooden, each one planned as I feel Seneca’s gaze on every one.

“I suppose I could do with some healthy food and good company.”

I should just starve myself and be done with it. Anything to spare the presence of you.

“Did you know there are certain herbs and tisanes that help ease a migraine? I could get some for you next time,” I offer warmly despite the cold that has settled in the room.

“Oh, I know a little about herbal remedies myself.”

Do you really think you can teach me something? Who do you think you are, some goddess sent from heaven to help me? Her tone holds a laugh that tickles down my spine and winds around my stomach in tight coils. But she isn’t done yet, despite her mouth being closed.

Don’t bother yourself the trouble. You probably enjoyed seeing me suffer in pain.

“Listen, Luna Seneca,” I muster my most respectful voice. “I’m just trying to be helpful. Of course I understand you don’t need me or what I have to offer.”

I mentally slap myself. That was so cliche.

“Oh, sweet child. I know you were just being kind,” she gives me a sickly smile.

You stupid, stupid girl, thinking you can just come here and fill a position you have no right to. For thinking you have what it takes to actually be a Luna!

Lifting my head and pushing my shoulders back, I look her in the eye. “I’m not here to take your title, or replace you. I apologise if it seemed like that was my intention. I’m here because I am Malachi’s mate, and our bond is my priority. Since he is Alpha, I suppose it is only natural that I too hold the rank of leadership one day, when the time is right.” I tack on those last words, unsure how she is going to respond.

She blinks one, slowly, keeping her gaze riveted on me, biting into me.

You will never be what this pack needs.

You will never be strong enough to stand beside my son.

It seems I can’t even hear what she is pretending to say, as I watch her lips move out of sync with the words that echo inside my head instead.

You are pathetic. Weak. Useless.

“Enough! Please, just stop,” I grip my head in my hands and squeeze my eyes shut, unable to hold her intense gaze any longer. It bores into me, shredding me of any self-worth and dignity. It’s like she can see every dark thought I have, like she is feeding every dark thought with something even more traitorous, then cutting me down for even thinking of betraying her.

Seneca presses her lips in a line, giving me a subtle smirk, as if she knows all along what I have been hearing.

When Malachi arrives back a short while later, we sit down to eat, but we are all silent. No one has anything they’d like to say out loud, each mind swarming with things that seem best kept to ourselves. The heaviness amidst the screaming silence is giving me a stomach ache.

As I go through the motions of the night, I manage to remain polite with my mate.

Polite, and that is it.

We don’t talk.

We barely look at each other.

Seneca’s words play over and over in my head. So it seems she really isn’t accepting of the fact that I am her son’s mate. I am wasting so much energy constantly fighting against her critical disapproval. How can I expect to be accepted as this pack’s Luna when she will never give me the title? When she won’t let me fulfill my destiny?

I should just walk away, before I lose myself in her ideals of who I should be.

On the other hand, I remember what Devanshi told me, how I am making a difference in this pack. A difference for the better.

Is my sanity worth the struggle that has no end in sight?

By the time morning comes, I have reached a decision.

Malachi awakens beside me, his body heat warming me for a moment as he draws close. I feel his kiss pressed on my forehead, and wild notions of grabbing him around the neck and kissing his lips until we both feel something, tempt me for a moment.

But that quickly passes as sense and reason wash over me.

So instead, I whisper into the dawn shadows that still cling to his body, “I’m going home.”