Shadow

Idonia Torbet

His declaration floors me. It leaves me in shock and barely able to stand. Most of all, it leaves me feeling guilty. Not much made me feel guilty, not showing up my brothers, not being the exact opposite of the daughter my mother wanted. However, the look Rae gives me, the realization that he loves me and I don’t return the feeling, it makes me want to cry.

“I don’t feel that way.”

“You don’t love me?”

“I don’t feel like the best mate you could ask for,” I pull back from his arms again. “I feel like your greatest burden.”

“No,” he denies immediately. “Not at all.”

“You deserve a southern daughter, one that wouldn’t challenge you as I have. One that accepts your love freely. One that--”

I shut my mouth quickly and flee from the area we are standing in. He turns, watching my every movement. “One that what?”

I sigh, shaking my head. Denying him the answers he wants. To tell my Khanel, my mate, those thoughts would be horrible. He would be angry, he may even leave me altogether.

But isn’t that what I wanted? Him to leave me alone on Theris. For my life to continue unaltered. At least, I thought that’s what I wanted. Maybe the truth is that I do want Rae in my life, maybe not for love, not right now anyway. I can’t not want him in my life, he’s a part of me in many ways.

I don’t want to be his though, I don’t want to be his royal miss.

“Idonia! Answer me!”

“One that wants to be Khanea!” I yell back at him. He steps back like I’ve hit him with my words. Then he does exactly what I thought I wanted him to do...

He leaves.

The door slams behind him.

I jump in my skin from the noise. Then I ball up beside the fire like a small child. And the unthinkable happens, I cry. Tears really fall from my eyes and I let them. The last time I cried was when I watched all those Viker die in front of me.

The last time I cried was over a shadowbeast’s body. Now I’m crying over my mate. The mate I thought I didn’t want. But now I’m conflicted, do I really want him? I know my beast does. She loves looking at him and touching him, she knows what she wants.

It’s me who’s being indecisive. I’m the one who’s making it impossible for either of us, Rae or myself, to be happy.

Oh, gods, it’s all my fault.

More tears stream down my face. A small knock comes from the door. Something inside me jumps and hopes it’s Rae. I need to apologize to him. I need to make it all better.

The door opens, and instead of my mate, it is his Viker, Danal. He sees me on the floor and he watches me try to stand. His harsh eyes examine me as I smooth out my dress as I wait for him to say something.

“He’s hurt by whatever you said.”

“I know,” I turn my head down to the floor.

“He deserved better than you,” he says to me harshly, making me want to cry again. “You need to accept him.”

“What do you mean?”

“He would do anything for you,” Danal states harshly. “He has done anything you ask of him and you still hurt him. He deserves better than you.”

“That’s what I told him.”

“I wish we would have never come here in the first place. He should have never left Bethlianna. I watch him search for his mate in every female he saw and the way he looked every time we got on the ship and he was alone. It killed me inside to see him that way. And now here you are, killing his soul more than disappointment ever did.”

“So what do you think I should do?”

“Tell him it’s all just nerves and you having cold feet. Then mate with him, give him the best night of his life.”

“I’m not ready for that,” I state with a shaky breath.

“Get ready,” Danal all but demands. My beast doesn’t like his disrespect, she wants me to make sure he stops ordering me around. Though I know his words need to be taken into consideration. Rae will be wanting to mate with me.

That’s just not something I’m ready for. How can I mate with a man I don’t love? I need to do something though, something to tell him I care.

Something that will tell him, 'maybe one day.' Something that will help him understand where I’m coming from. Before all of this, I never wanted a mate. Male lycans are domineering and possessive. They take their mates and often the female’s family never sees her again. My mother never returned home after Father brought her to Theris. She saw a few of her siblings when they came to visit, but never her parents.

Mates normally can’t stay apart. That is why the females never go home again. Her mate doesn’t want to let her leave. If, no let’s be honest here, when I go to Bethlianna I’ll probably never come home again.

It takes about another hour or so before the door opens again. I haven’t decided how to face Rae yet, but there he is in the doorway. He’s quiet at first, waiting for me to say something first. We stare at one another for what seems like forever before I bring myself to speak.

“I’m sorry for how all of this happened.”

“Me too,” he moves to sit on the bed.

I stand and walk over to be in front of him. His dark eyes look up at me, their usual calm now burned with hurt. I delicately place my hand on his cheek, but he pulls away.

“No, don’t touch me. It makes it too easy.”

“I’m trying to feel what you feel,” I explain to him. “I look in your eyes and I usually see pride. You look at me with this bold pride and admiration. I’m trying to feel that too.”

“It is so hard to believe I’m proud that you’re my mate?”

“Sometimes it’s hard for me to even believe that you’re my mate sometimes. Sure there is fire when I touch you, and your smell surrounds me, but you’re the Khanel,” I try to make him understand my feelings.

“And you’re my Khanelea,” his hands reach up to cup both of my cheeks. The same fiery electricity moves over my cheeks and down my neck. “And I have been watching you. That pride you see is me knowing what an amazing Khanelea you are and the fantastic Khanea you will be.”

“And I can see a way for you to be a good Khannun, but--”

“I need to be stronger, I get that,” he pulls me closer, standing so his arms can engulf me. “You are making me stronger.”

I pull back from him, looking up at his eyes once more. His red hair falls over his eyes, giving him a dark and alluring look. In a moment, faster than I’ve moved before, I tip my toes up and meet his lips with mine. The same fire burns from the first time he kissed me.

Though this time instead of anger burning between us, there is a calm admiration. His hands rest on my hips, gently squeezing as his tongue trails over my lips.