Of Light And Shadows

“Well that didn’t take long did it?” Sellik scolded. She pointed angrily at the nearest bed and Lucifer walked to it and sat in silence. Jia took the one next to him, noticing how he didn’t look at her.

She felt a pang of guilt as she realised that he must be feeling rejected by her. He’d said he wanted to kiss her and she called him a liar. He’d asked her what he was to her and she hadn’t been able to tell him. All that time he must have been thinking Evander was the reason.

The truth was that Evan had nothing to do with it. As she thought about it she realised more and more that she did harbour affection for Evan, though she wasn’t sure what type of affection it was.

A long time ago she’d wanted a repeat of the night they’d met, but she’d moved past that. She’d been jealous of Hannah, but not because she loved Evan.

She was jealous because Hannah could be natural around him. She could spend time with him without fear of being beaten by someone for it. When she laughed it was real and it was because she wanted to, not because she was trying to hide the pain of bruises nobody else knew about.

Evan was attractive, sure. She couldn’t deny that, but she’d given up any notions of a relationship with him a while ago.

She came to these realisations slowly, working over them one by one as Sellik applied some sort of cream to her arm and set it in a brace. She was told to stay put while the attendant sorted Lucifer, and Jia found herself watching as Sellik wiped his lips and frowned in disapproval when the tissue came away red.

“I told you not to leave until you were ready,” she chastised.

“I know. I was too impatient.” Her eyebrows rose at Lucifer’s easy admission. “I’m sorry.” She looked like she was working hard to keep her mouth shut, obviously surprised by his sincere apology.

“Are you alright?” she asked softly. She touched his arm in a motherly gesture, a worried frown creasing her brow. Jia looked away, knowing she was responsible for his behaviour.

“I’m fine.” He tried an unconvincing smile. “I’m just hurting more than I expected to be.”

Jia’s gaze shot back up to him and she saw the ridge between his brows, though he wasn’t looking at her. She and Sellik shared a look as they both caught the underlying meaning in his words. Jia hated herself.

“I can sort the physical pain,” Sellik said. “I’ll have to leave the rest up to you.” Lucifer frowned at her. She sighed and set her hands on her hips. “I’m not stupid. It’s very obvious with the sulky looks on your faces that something happened between you.” The Demon Prince raised an eyebrow. “Don’t give me that look.”

“I’m not giving you a look.”

“Yes you are. You’re giving me your ‘shut up talking’ look.”

“If that’s what you think I’m doing then why are you still talking?” he asked.

“Because you know the only time I listen to you is when you use your bossy voice,” she shrugged. “Sort out whatever this is.” She gestured at the two of them. “You’re glooming up my Infirmary.”

A faint smile twitched at the corners of his lips as she walked away, though it didn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Jia said quietly. Lucifer turned and looked at her at last.

“What for?”

“Upsetting you. Making you feel rejected.”

“Rejected?” His head tilted again. “Is that what that was?” She frowned at him. “I asked you what I am to you. I didn’t ask you out.”

“I know that.” Her cheeks burned.

“There’s no need to be embarrassed.” His expression softened somewhat. “I understand why you couldn’t tell me.”

“I don’t think you do understand,” she replied. She slid off her hospital bed and crossed the space, standing expectantly beside him. He raised an eyebrow before scooting over for her. She settled into his side and after a moment he draped his unbroken arm around her shoulders, making her more comfortable.

“What don’t I understand?” he asked. His voice rumbled pleasantly through his chest beneath her ear, though she could hear his heart beating in a slightly irregular rhythm as it struggled to repair the lacerations she knew had popped back open across its surface.

Closer to the centre of his chest was a small dark patch on his shirt where his wound was bleeding.

“I don’t have feelings for Evan. Not like that.” She wasn’t sure how to phrase it so she blurted it out. “I was jealous of Hannah because she got to spend time with him freely and she could be normal around him, not because I liked him.”

“What does that mean?” She sighed, frustrated with her inability to explain her thoughts to Lucifer. She took a steadying breath and tried again.

“Whenever I was around him I was hiding what was happening to me. I had to avoid him because if my father found out about it I’d get hurt. When I did see him I was laughing and joking when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry.

“Hannah never had to do that. She could be around him whenever she wanted to. I wasn’t jealous of her because I liked him. I was jealous of her because she was happy.

“At first I had a crush on him but I got over that." She frowned to herself. "Sure, I can appreciate that he’s attractive and he makes me laugh, but don’t confuse that with me having any more than friendship with him.” Lucifer listened silently as she explained herself.

“Hmm,” he said eventually. “Alright.”

“Alright?” She sat up to look at him. “That’s all?”

“What else would you like me to say?” he asked. “That I’m happy? I’ll never be happy that you had to hide how you really felt for years. You should never have been through that.”

“I thought that you’d be glad I didn’t like him that way.”

“I am. That doesn’t mean I’m going to celebrate it. Not liking him doesn’t automatically make you like me.”

“Is that what you want?” Her question was quiet and his eyes darkened as he looked away again. “Tell me the truth.” She thought he was going to ignore her as he frowned at the floor beside him, but eventually he answered her.

“When I first met you, you were so small,” he said gently. There was an odd roughness to his tone, like it was hard for him to speak. “You were thin and frail and so afraid. As soon as I lifted you from the ground you held onto me like there was nowhere else in the world you wanted to be. Your trust in me was instant.

“I expected that to change as you regained your confidence and started to get better.” He sighed. “I kept myself distant because I thought it would be unhealthy for you to depend on me when you would one day have to go back to the human world.

"Not only that, my father is a monster. The last thing I wanted was for him to realise I was attached to you.” He dragged his gaze back to her. “Regardless of my efforts, you still looked at me that same way. Where everyone else kept their distance, you grabbed my hand and dragged me along with you. I appreciated that more than you could ever know, Jia.”

“Louie-”

“Let me say it,” he pleaded softly. She felt a lump form in her throat as she nodded and let him continue. “I was protective of you and jealous of how easily my brothers could interact with you where I had to be careful.

“Even after thousands of years of life, that feeling still took me by surprise. When you left I felt the separation every day. Mammon reported back to me the times he was able to visit, but those visits were few and far between while my father was still breathing down my neck.

“When the pact mark burned and he said you called for us I thought my heart might fall out of my chest. You have no idea how relieved I was to see you alive in that alley.

Even after eight years you were still just the same as I remembered. He smiled ruefully to himself. A little taller, a little older, but still the same girl. When you hugged me like you never left I wanted to tell you there and then just how much I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” she said softly. Her voice sounded strangled.

“If I’d known what you were going back to I would’ve kept you here regardless of the rules. I would never have let you go back to that house. I failed you then.”

“Lucifer, how could I ever be failed by the person I love most in the world?” She said it gently, barely whispered it. His eyes widened. “Without thinking of it in terms of friendship or romance or anything else, I can say without reservation or doubt that from the moment I realised I was safe with you, you became the centre of my universe.

“I joined in with the stupid things your brothers did because I knew eventually it would make you laugh.” She smiled as he stared at her. “I dragged you places with me because there was nobody else I wanted to go anywhere with more than you.

“That’s still the same today. I thought about you every day while I was in the human realm. I went to sleep wondering what the three of you were doing every night. My memories of this place and of you helped me through the abuse.

“I don’t know what my feelings are or how exactly you fit into my life. I don’t know what role you play.” She reached out and touched his cheek. “But without you there would be no me.”

“Jia...” He said her name so gently. It was nothing more than a breath on his lips. His eyes were still wide.

“I’ll think it over, Louie. Okay? I need time to get it straight in my head. As soon as I have the answer, I’ll tell you where you belong in my life. But I want you to know that there will always be a place in it for you, no matter what form it takes.”

She leaned forwards and kissed his cheek gently. He wrapped his arms around her and kept her close for a moment longer.