Hockey With Benefits

I first woke when Cruz got up for his morning practice. The bed moved. I heard him dressing.

I was back to sleep by the time he went out the door.

The second time I woke was to the shower.

Rolling over, I noted the bathroom door was open a crack. Light was shining out. The water was running.

God.

Everything came back to me, and I was exactly somewhere I never wanted to be, hiding out in my not-friend/friend-with-benefits/now-who-knew-what-we-were’s bed because my mom had officially made her appearance back in my life.

It’d been a nice few months off.

My phone was blinking so I reached over, snagged it, and laid on my back as I went through my notifications.

A text from my dad.

Dad: Got her to come back to Fallen Crest. I think she’ll leave you alone. We need to have a talk, though. Love you, sweetie.

Me: Thanks, Dad.

The relief was palpable. I had nothing else to give, to say. She did what she always did. She’d ransacked my insides. A part of me wanted to go to her, beg for her forgiveness. Another part knew that was pointless because she’d never stop. Ever. She needed attention and I had no more to give her. Attention, energy, sympathy. I didn’t even know if there was a difference, she just needed it.

Now there was the other part, the aftermath part. Where I felt guilty for just being. Being present. Being alive. I didn’t understand it, but I felt it. Every time. If someone could’ve explained why I felt this after seeing her, I’d love to know. I just knew I felt it, and I’d carry it until I could either drink or fuck it out of me.

So far, last night, I had done neither.

I eyed Cruz, who was coming from the bathroom.

He eyed me back, padding barefoot over to the bed. He sat, bending down to pull some socks on. “Hey.”

I sighed, not going through the rest of my phone. “Hey.”

He glanced to the phone, then to the clock on his nightstand. “Bunch of us are heading to campus for breakfast. Interested in joining?”

I shook my head. “No. Thanks for letting me crash here. I’m going to head back. She left.”

He gave a nod before standing up and disappearing into his closet. He came back out, pulling on a hockey sweatshirt. He returned to his spot, pulling his shoes on. “You sure? You can crash here tonight if you want.”

“She’s gone. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

He hesitated, then nodded and stood up. “Okay. See you later then?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, going to the door.

“Hey.”

He stopped, looking back.

I scooted up in his bed, pulling the covers with me. “Thank you for last night.”

His eyes flickered, a soft frown showed, but he lifted his chin. “Yeah. No problem.”

He left, and I rolled out of bed, quickly dressing. Cruz drove me here last night, but his house was only a few blocks away. I could walk it and get home in plenty of time to get ready for class. I was hurrying, this time easing out his window.

I’d just dropped down from the stairs to the alley by their house when my phone started ringing.

I silenced the call and went to the back alley.

I was a block from the house when my phone started again.

I answered, “Hey.”

It was Tasmin.

“So.” She hesitated, then took in a deep breath. “Okay. I am calling you to give you a heads-up.”

Oh no…

She kept on, “My brother just called me. He found out that Zeke’s friends with a guy from Alpha Mu here, and yeah… Zeke’s coming this weekend for a visit.”

I almost dropped the phone. “Zeke is coming?”

“Knowing Zeke, I’m sure he’ll have other guys with him, but yeah. I think my brother freaked over what you said to him. He’s sending Zeke to make sure you don’t hurt me or something like that.”

Jesus. My head was pounding.

“Are they staying at the Alpha Mu house?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t know why my brother’s so worried. You don’t actually do anything. Threats, but those are always empty. It’s like I know you better than he does.”

Right.

I frowned. “Okay. Thanks for the heads-up. I appreciate it.”

“Yeah. Um…are you going to be studying again tonight? At the library? Maybe we’ll see you there?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing tonight, but I’ll let you know. Sometimes we study at my house.”

“Oh. Yeah! That makes sense. Where you live. I’d study there too if I lived in a house now. You know. Except for the dorms, not that the dorms are bad. We have the lounges and…yeah…”

My headache was getting so bad.

“I gotta go, Taz. Thanks for letting me know.”

“Yeah! Sure. Okay. See you later…”

I ended the call and went to unblock Blaise.

I couldn’t believe I had to freaking deal with this.

Once he was unblocked, I hit call.

He didn’t answer, but I left a voice message. “Jesus Christ, Blaise. If you actually think I’m going to hurt your sister, you never knew me. Taz is nice. The fact you think I could hurt her? What’s the one thing I avoid like the plague? Drama. Hurting your sister would bring that in copious amounts. You can chill out. I’m not going to do anything to he–BEEEEEP!”

The call cut out.

My mom. Now my ex.

I growled, stuffing my phone back in my pocket, and ignored the buzzes coming in. When I got to the house, I went up to my place, and stopped just inside the door.

She’d been here.

She’d invaded my space. My dishes were moved. Food that wasn’t mine was in their place.

She had started to go through my bag.

I hated that she was here. I hated that she had violated this sanctuary of mine.

Fuck her. Fuck–just fuck her.

And fuck how I felt guilty at thinking that.

No one would understand the feeling of someone getting under your skin, taking your life as if it’s theirs to control, and how much energy it took to fight to get it back. No one would understand unless they were in the same shoes.

My phone buzzed.

Cruz: I forgot I drove you last night. Did you get home already? I can come back and give you a ride.

Me: I’m good.

I was such a liar.