From Lukov with Love

“I THINK we’re done for the day,” Coach Lee called out from her spot a couple feet away from where I’d landed after a throw.

Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, trying to keep from panting after a practice that had made me sweat so much the L and R on my hands had started to fade, I nodded. It was time. I was tired, and I knew Ivan was too. I’d felt how deep into his reserves he’d had to dig to throw me that last time.

Plus, it didn’t help that I’d slept like shit. It also didn’t help that we’d been so busy at the diner that morning that I hadn’t gotten a chance to even take a break. I’d overdone it the night before. Inside and outside, and my body hadn’t forgiven me for not treating it as well as I usually did.

I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about my choices—about what I wanted to do and needed to do—and… if I was going to be honest with myself, I’d thought more about Ivan’s kindness than I would have ever expected. He’d probably hugged me for ten minutes straight as I’d calmed down and slowly, in tiny bits and pieces, gotten grounded.

He hadn’t asked what upset me. He hadn’t teased me for it. At some point, he had just let me go while I finished drinking my hot cocoa and then taken the cup from me to wash and set beside the sink. Then he’d followed me to the empty changing room, waited for me to grab my things…

And he’d followed me home.

We hadn’t said much to each other, and I wasn’t sure if it was just because he knew I was in my head or if he didn’t know what to think about me losing my shit. Honestly, I wasn’t sure either. The one thing I did know was that if Ivan thought I was going to be embarrassed the next day, he had to have been real fucking surprised when I wasn’t.

I could see it in his face every time he looked at me. Those crystal clear almost sky blue eyes roamed over my face every time we were in front of each other. For one tiny millisecond the first time I caught him watching me, I thought about looking away.

But I didn’t. I refused to.

Because to do that would say I was ashamed that he’d found me like that, that he’d heard and watched me damn near cry, which was almost as bad. And one of the best lessons I’d ever learned figure skating was that when you fell, you got right back up and acted like nothing had happened to begin with. You made things important, or you didn’t. And if you got up and smiled and held your head up high… you still had your dignity.

And I was going to squeeze the shit out of my dignity with both hands.

At least what was left of it.

We were friends. And sometimes friends lost their shit around each other. At least that’s what I figured.

“Take it easy and get some rest, Jasmine,” Coach Lee said as she skated toward me and gave me a serious, lingering look.

I forgot she had been the one Galina had called the night before. I only managed to nod. What else could I say or do?

“See you tomorrow bright and early,” she finished, touching her fingertips to my shoulder for a brief moment before dropping them and skating away.

Planting my hands on my hips, I kept trying to catch my breath as I looked around the ice, taking in the six other people still practicing, taking advantage of the last few minutes before the private ice time was over and it opened up for group lessons. I spotted Galina almost immediately sitting at the same spot she used to sit in when it was me and her, her chin resting on the folded hands she had on the wall. Her gaze was on the teenager going through a sequence of arm movements a few feet away.

“Am I invited to dinner tonight?” Ivan’s question came from behind me.

I blinked and turned to look at him over my shoulder. He had started off practice wearing a dark green fleece pullover, but had stripped it off about an hour ago, leaving him in fitted black sweatpants and a light gray long-sleeved shirt with patches of dark damp material along his chest and abs. Maybe I hadn’t slept well, but from the lack of bags under his eyes, he hadn’t had the same problem. His face was as clear and bright as always.

Lucky shit.

Breathing in through my nose, I pressed my lips together for a moment, and just as I was about to shrug, I nodded instead. I owed him that much. He deserved that much. “If you don’t have anything else to do,” I said, making sure my voice was nice and even.

Ivan nodded. “Not until later.”

What did he have to do later? I wondered.

“I’ll follow you home then,” he said, sounding just like he always did… without the sarcasm. “If you can manage not to drive like a psycho, that would be nice.”

And there we went.

“I drive the speed limit.”

Those thick, dark eyelashes swung over his eyes. “Is that what you call going ten over?”

I made a face. “I’ve never gotten a ticket.”

“Uh-huh.”

I rolled my eyes and just barely managed not to shoot him a dirty look. “I’ll wait for you by the front doors, sock boy.”

One corner of his mouth twitched… but he dipped his chin.

He blinked at me.

And I blinked right back at him.

Then the other corner of his mouth twitched too.

“You suck,” I said before I could stop myself.

“You suck more,” he replied before starting to skate backward. “Meet you in ten.”

I scrunched up my nose and made my way to get off the ice, getting to the opening at the wall right after Ivan. I put my skate guards on, watching him watch me as I did it, noticing out of my peripheral vision, the families beginning to show up and make their way to the stands.

But we didn’t argue. I took off and headed toward the changing rooms, not wanting to be the last one to the front doors. I’d rather wait for him than him wait for me. It would probably be a good idea to text my mom before I left just so she’d know he was coming.

I hadn’t seen her since the night before when she’d told me about her accident, and even though I wanted to talk to her about what she had implied, I didn’t know what exactly to say. I wasn’t positive what would be more effective than “I love you.”

And she deserved so much more than that.

I rounded the first corner, where Ivan would turn to head to his special room, and headed straight instead. I spotted the two teenage girls standing outside the room immediately. It was the two girls who were always nice to me. Sure enough, just as I approached the door, they turned and gave me two shy smiles.

“Hi, Jasmine,” one of them said while the other one squeaked, “Hi.”

I thought about Ivan’s words the night before and gave them both a little smile as I walked in front of them. “Hi.” My hand went to the door to push it open… and I paused, before saying, “Have a good practice.”

“Thank you!” the outgoing one basically shouted as I went in.

Just like every Saturday night, the changing room was full of teenage girls between the ages of thirteen and eighteen. They were talking so loud it made my ears hurt. I headed to my locker, casting a side glance around to see that they were all familiar faces with no names, and then I turned my back to them. It didn’t take long to open my locker and take my boots off, pull out my bag and set my skates in their protective case before taking my phone out, wiggling my toes and rolling my achy ankles as I unlocked the phone screen.

I found my mom’s name under messages and typed up a text as quickly as I could, making sure my words came out spelled correctly, while trying my best to ignore the girls’ voices.

Bringing Lukov to dinner, I sent her before dropping my phone onto the empty bench beside me.

Pulling my socks off and then my wraps, I felt my phone vibrate and picked it up. It just said OK. 😉

I wasn’t even going to touch that winky face. I set my phone back down and bent over to start going through my bag for my flip-flops when I stopped zoning the girls out for some reason and heard, “…big hands and big feet.”

“How do you know that’s true? There’s a lot of guys with big hands and big feet that don’t have bulges.”

What the fuck were these kids doing talking about bulges?

“Like who?”

“Like…” The girl talking dropped her voice to a whisper, like I still couldn’t hear her after she did it. Idiot. “Ivan Lukov. I’ve never seen anything under his costumes, if you know what I mean.”

The fuck were they bringing up Ivan for? And what were these little perverts even doing staring at his crotch? He’d been 99.99 percent naked in front of me, and I hadn’t looked at it for more than the second it took to see he had it covered.

And why the hell were they bringing up him not having one? That didn’t mean anything. Most guys taped it down, I thought. I’d asked Paul about it once, and he had just turned red and stuttered as he laughed, avoiding the question, like I didn’t know he had a penis under his clothes. Another idiot.

“His hands and his feet are huge,” another girl tried to whisper, but she was even worse at it.

“But has anyone even seen anything?” one little shit asked before giggling.

I spun around on the bench seat as fast as I could and chose my words as best as I could. “Would you stop? You all want some guys talking about your… stuff behind your backs?”

Just like that, they all stopped talking and turned a shade of red that I’d thought only Ruby was capable of.

That’s what I thought.

I made sure to look at each one of them before shaking my head and turning forward again. No one else said anything, and I didn’t worry about them tattling on me, because what were they going to do? Admit they were talking about Ivan’s crotch?

Slipping my flip-flops on and giving my toes another wiggle as I stretched my arches, I snatched up my keys and purse and got up, bending over to grab the handle of my duffel. I side-eyed the girls on the other side of the room who all looked like I’d kicked their puppy, and I didn’t give a shit. I put the lock back on my locker and headed toward the door, yanking the door open a lot rougher than necessary.

God, what was wrong with teenagers? I couldn’t remember talking about people’s dicks when I was their age. Seventeen, okay. But fucking maybe fourteen?

“—ugly and fat in that leotard.”

And there it was.

Children.

Thirteen, maybe fourteen-year-olds standing outside of the door. Two teens that looked a whole hell of a lot like the two that had been talking shit about me weeks ago.

And those two were standing in front of my two girls that always greeted me. The two sweet, but funny little girls that had just been grinning at me maybe five minutes ago but who currently had their backs to the wall and had glassy eyes that looked a whole hell of a lot like they were on the verge of tears.

Damn it.

Why did this have to happen to me?

I wanted to walk away. I really did. I’d already had my beef with these little shits, and I didn’t want to get into it again and risk getting in trouble.

But…

My outgoing little buddy had tears in her eyes, and one of these fuckers had just called her or her friend fat and ugly, and I didn’t play that bully game.

So, I stopped and made eye contact with my two friendly girls, raising an eyebrow. “You two okay?”

The more outgoing one of the two blinked away what had to be tears, and the action instantly made this strange feeling zip up my spine, and I narrowed my eyes as I glanced at the two mean girls that both looked like they regretted the decision they had made while I’d been in the changing room that had led them to this moment.

When neither one of the two nicer girls agreed that they were fine, the feeling in my spine intensified, and I recognized it for what it was: protectiveness. I hated bullies. I really hated bullies.

“Were they picking on you?” I asked slowly, calmly, keeping my focus on the two nice kids.

“We weren’t doing anything,” one of the little shits tried to argue.

I slid my gaze over to the one who had spoken and said, “I wasn’t asking you.” Then turning back to the one with the tears in her eyes, I asked again, “Were they picking on you?”

It took a swallow before I got a nod. From both of them. And that feeling in my spine only got stronger.

I bit the inside of my cheek before I asked, “Are you okay?”

Their little nods almost broke my heart.

But what they did manage to do successfully was focus on the two little shits as my best bitch expression came over my features as I said, slowly, slowly, slowly, wearing that smile that Jojo had called horrifying on more than one occasion, “If I ever, ever hear or see you picking on them—or anybody here—again, I’m going to make you both regret the day you decided to take lessons here, do you understand me?”

Neither one of them nodded or said yes, and that only made the tingle in my spine recharge. A better person would have added some inspirational shit. But that wasn’t me.

I turned my attention to the two nicer girls. “You get picked on again, come tell me, okay? I’ll deal with it for you. Tomorrow, next month or a year from now, don’t be shy, as long as I’m here, I’ll take care of it for you. Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that.”

I would know. I’d been through it enough. In return, I got two blank looks, but whether it was in alarm or what, I had no idea, before both girls nodded, fast, fast, fast.

And I smiled at them, to tell them it was okay. I had their backs. Not everyone was terrible, but the bad ones made it easy to forget that. I should know.

But then I glanced back at the two little shits and let the smile fall away as I focused in on their petty-ass faces. “And you two, I catch you doing that again and I will open a can of whoop-ass on both your rude—”

“Jasmine!” I heard a familiar male voice yell from close, but not that close.

Sure enough, glancing up, I found Ivan down the hall, one hand against a wall. He was too far for me to see more of him, but I knew from the shape and length of that frame it was him. That, and I’d recognized that voice anywhere.

“Let’s go, I’m hungry,” he called for no reason, I thought, until it hit me.

He’d heard me. That’s why he had yelled and stopped me from calling these girls motherfuckers like I had planned on.

It wouldn’t have been a good idea, but, well, whatever. They deserved it.

“Don’t be jerks,” I pointed at the two rude shits, then turned to the other girls and said, “and tell me if they pick on you again.”

When I got two nods in response, I made sure to give the other pair a nasty look like I was onto them before heading down the hall toward Ivan, who was still standing there waiting, except I could see him shaking his head from a few feet away. The second I was close enough, I realized he was grinning. Those straight, bright white teeth were all out there as he asked, “Is today your day to pick on little kids?”

I rolled my eyes as I stepped in front of him, having to tilt my head back to look up at him. “Those are monsters, not kids.”

Those eyes were focused on mine as his grin only grew and he said, “What I want to know is…”

I blinked, not sure what he was about to ask.

“What is a can of a whoop-ass and where can I get one?”

I didn’t mean to smile, and I sure as hell didn’t want to.

But I couldn’t help it.

I smiled so wide my cheeks instantly hurt and said the only thing that came to mind, “You’re an idiot.”

An hour later, I was heading down the stairs at my mom’s house, trying to wring more water out of my hair so that it wouldn’t soak into the light, tank dress I’d put on. I hated washing my hair every day—and my hair hated me washing it every day if how dry it was said anything—but with how much I was sweating with two-a-day practices, it just got way too greasy if I went longer than twenty-four hours without a wash. I was going through a bottle of conditioner every two weeks.

By the time I made it to the bottom landing, I could hear the voices in the kitchen. When we’d pulled up to my house half an hour ago, there were Jonathan and Aaron’s cars in the driveway. I hadn’t asked what my sister or brother were up to, but I’d seen both of them a few days ago when they had dropped by randomly for dinner.

I’d only gotten a chance to give my mom a kiss to the right of her bruised and swollen nose before Jojo’s dramatic ass had gone off with, Jas, how could you not call and tell me about Mom’s accident? I almost threw her under the bus and said that she didn’t want me to say anything… but I was no snitch. So I told him it was because I’d been too tired the night before to deal with his shit. That had gone about as well as I’d expected, and I ran up to get a shower five minutes later, watching Ivan shoot me a curious look that said he might have been putting the pieces together from what happened last night to what he was seeing on my mom’s face.

And… I didn’t care if he did.

Making my way across the living room toward the kitchen, the voices became clearer and louder. I recognized the sound of my sister and mom laughing… and thought I heard a light chuckle from Ivan mixed in there. Thinking about the moment in the hallway with the girls made me smile again, but I wiped it off. He really was an idiot.

“…did they make you tape everything up?” I heard Jojo ask.

Oh God.

“Jonathan,” his husband hissed. “What does it matter?”

“Uh, I’m curious. I looked up the magazine this week. I didn’t see a hint of balls or anything in those pictures, and it doesn’t seem possible from the angles the pictures are taken at. I don’t care how tight anybody’s ball sacks are, it isn’t physically possible for there not to be a tiny sign of nuts somewhere. Get what I’m saying?”

They were talking about the photo shoot for the Anatomy issue, and of course it would be Jojo asking that.

“Maybe I need to get that magazine when it comes out—” my mom started to say before Ruby and Jojo almost wailed, “Stop!” and “Nobody wants to hear that!”

“You two are so sensitive,” my mom muttered, but didn’t continue with her sentence. “I have eyes. You have eyes. The human body is a wonderful thing, isn’t it, Ivan?”

There was no hesitation from Ivan when he responded with, “It is.”

“I’m sure Grumpy looked beautiful.”

But there was a pause before Ivan asked, “Who is Grumpy? Jasmine?”

“Yes.”

No one said anything for a second before Jojo butted in. “She hated Snow White when she was a wittle baby.”

“Why?”

It was my mom who answered. “Because she… what did she used to call her? A lazy fart that took advantage of men?”

Jojo burst out laughing in that way that made me smile. “She used to get so mad watching it. Remember? She would sit there in front of the television talking smack to herself. She hated it, but she’d still watch it over and over again anyway.”

Then it was Ruby that started laughing. “She would walk around saying that Snow White wasn’t that pretty, and even if she was, she needed to have a little respect for herself. She didn’t even know what that meant, but she heard you, Mom, say that once and it stuck.”

Then my mom started laughing. “That’s why we started calling her Grumpy, because she said he was the only smart one of all the dwarves because he knew he had a reason to be in a bad mood. Work in the mine all day and then have to take care of some girl that didn’t do anything.” Her laugh went higher. “Oh, that girl. You can all blame yourselves for how she came out. She picked it up from you all. Ivan, it’s their fault.”

There was another moment and then, “She’s my idol” from Ruby, which earned a husky laugh from what had to be Aaron.

“That’s my girl,” my mom echoed.

My nose itched, and my eyes might have begun stinging a little.

Okay, more than a little.

I had to blink and listen to them laugh while I got my shit together and felt that nice, warm feeling in my chest growing, growing, growing. It made me feel… better. Better than I’d felt the night before after Ivan had been so kind.

After a couple more swallows and blinks that made sure I was back to normal, I headed into the kitchen and found everyone except my mom’s husband around the island. Ben was busy stirring what I knew was a giant pot of his awesome chili on the stove, with his back to the group. There was one seat empty between Ivan and my sister, and another seat open between Aaron and Jonathan.

I went for the one next to Ivan.

And for some reason I wasn’t going to overthink, I snuck my hand from my side over to the thigh closest to mine and gave it a squeeze. Not a mean squeeze, just a normal one that wasn’t too hard or too loose. Friends did that, didn’t they?

“Jas,” Ruby started to say as she leaned forward over the island and shot me a careful smile that made me wary. “I know you’re really busy—”

Why did my stomach flip?

“—but remember we talked about you watching the kids for us a few weeks ago? Do you think you still can?” She smiled. “It’s okay if you can’t.”

My stomach clenched. It was too soon. It was way too soon. But I could handle it. I would. I could be better.

“I didn’t forget,” I told her, trying to ignore the tension right around the center of my body. “I can watch them.”

“Are you sure? Because—”

I tried to give her a smile. I tried to tell her that I loved her and that yeah, I loved her kids too. I’d do anything for them. But instead, I said as softly as I was capable of, “Yes. I’m positive. I can watch them.”

“We can watch them too,” Jojo piped up.

I shot him a look. “No. I can babysit them. Find your own niece and nephew.”

Jojo rolled his eyes and turned back to Squirt. “I can watch them anytime you want, Rubes. They don’t need Rosemary’s Baby over there rubbing off on them.”

“Do you really want Shrek Junior over here to be what Benny wakes up to?” I asked my sister, shooting my brother a look.

“I’m average height,” Jojo claimed.

“Sure you are, boo-boo,” I returned, smiling at him for real. “Either way, you didn’t say you don’t look like Shrek, so….”

Jonathan decided to scratch at his forehead. With his middle finger.

“Would you two stop?” Mom finally sighed.

“You don’t really look like Shrek, Jojo,” Ruby added. “More like Donkey, I think.”

Jonathan just blinked over at her before sliding his eyes to me and saying, “You’re the worst influence.”

“Your mama.”

My brother looked right at Ivan beside me, his middle finger going back up to his forehead—for me of course—and said, “Ivan, if you accidentally trip and fall doing a lift with her, none of us would blame you. Really.”

The side of a thigh touched my knee, and a second later, so did the palm of a hand I knew very well. “I’ll keep that in mind. Maybe during an exhibition after worlds,” my partner offered.

And I couldn’t even be mad or butt-hurt.