Emily's Seams

I was beat the next morning. No dreams, but I still felt like I had been going all night. I felt like I had been drinking. When I remembered what had set me off, I felt the day-after shame of it all.

I hoped Robert turned out to be a total dick. I hoped he’d grabbed my jacket and gave it to some homeless person or threw it in the trash. Anything but give it back to me.

I was not that lucky. On my desk was my jacket, neatly folded. There was a note on it. He had the printing of a five year old. The letters were big and clumsy.

Hey Emily,

I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean it at all the way it sounded. You’re the smartest person in this lab and everyone knows it. See you next week.

Robert

Next week?

I turned around and saw George walking into the lab. He met my eyes for a second before looking up. Down. To the right. Anywhere but back at me. George was the oldest grad student in the lab and the dumbest. He was so irritating because he was one of those grad students that had pursued further education because he wasn’t good for anything else.

“George.” I barked.

He stiffened. “Oh, hey Em! How’s it going?”

“Emily.”

“What?”

“Fuck, never mind! Where’s Robert?”

He looked confused for second, like who’s Robert? His eyes lit up when he finally matched the name to a face in his big, dumb head. “Oh, Robert! Him and the boss went to a conference in Atlanta. Didn’t you book the tickets?”

Suddenly I remembered. I had booked Robert a first class seat and the boss got one in coach by the bathroom. Irritable bowel syndrome, I’d said to the travel agent. It was all lab money anyway, but now I was seriously regretting my little dig. Robert would think I had tried to do him some sort of a favour.

Oh well. Whatever. It’s not like Robert didn’t deserve it. This lab was getting the best grants because of him. I probably owed this crappy job to him too.

I went back to my desk and sat down. It was such a mess. I started shuffling the papers around and piling them up. I couldn’t focus on any of it.

And then a baby wailed.

I spun around in my chair as if a shotgun had just gone off. Everyone was circled around someone and thankfully no one saw me. I must have looked guilty of something.

I moved a little closer, trying to see through the wall of bodies. It was Jenny.

Jenny had been a grad student here last year. She’d gotten married and knocked up. Pissed the boss right off. For that reason alone, I would have liked her but there was something else. She reminded me of Julia.

She was much smaller than Julia had ever been, much more delicate looking. But she had blond hair like sunshine. And pretty, big blue eyes. And she was nice. Even to me.

I stood up and took a few cautious steps towards the group. Jenny still hadn’t seen me yet. Her smile was electric; her face was like a basket of roses. She looked so happy.

“Emily!” she squealed. “Come, meet Marley!”

My hands twitched at the memory of the first and only baby I had ever held. I tried to force myself to smile but my face just twisted uncomfortably. I must have looked like I was getting ready to eat the baby.

“Hi Jenny. You look great.” I said. I could feel George gawking at me. I shot him a quick look and he stopped immediately. I knew that me being civil with anyone, let alone complimentary, must have been a shock for George.

If Jenny noticed, she hid it completely. “Oh, it’s so good to see you Emily!” She gave me an awkward but no less friendly one-armed hug. The little baby in her arms made some odd gurgling noise like a plugged drain.

“I didn’t forget you!” she cooed at the baby. “Marley, this is Emily!”

She tilted the baby a little so I could see better.

I knew I had gasped.

“Emily? Are you okay?” Jenny asked. She looked worried.

I smiled and nodded. The tears were coming up now. I only had a few seconds to clear out. “Yeah, she’s just so pretty.”

“He.” Jenny gently corrected me.

A choked laugh escaped me. “Still pretty.”

She beamed. “I know, right? Do you want to hold him?”

I took an involuntary step back and held my hands up. “I...feel like I might be coming down with something. Think I’m gonna go home actually. Next time for sure.”

Jenny nodded sweetly. “Okay! Feel better Emily.”

I grabbed my bag and my jacket and got out of there.

It was a really nice day. I thought about heading back to Creekside and then decided against it. I still hadn’t looked up the information on anyone. Francine and Dolly would have fallen for my lies of it taking longer than I had first thought but Doug wasn’t that dead. He’d probably heard of Google.

I went to the park and settled down on the grass. The sun was so warm on my face. I squeezed my eyes into slits as I looked up at the unusually bright blue sky hanging over Huntsville. On most days this place was soaked by nine in the morning.

The first day I’d met Julia was just like this. And just like her. Perfect.

“When are they gonna be here? You said they’d be home today!” I shouted.

“Can it!” Jude barked back. “They’ll get here when they get here. Grab my purse, would ya?”

I don’t quite know why, but I always did what grownups told me to do when I was young. I hated them but for some reason I still believed that I had to do what they told me. I stomped into the kitchen, like only a petulant nine year old can, and stomped back. I held out Jude’s purse but she didn’t take it.

“Grab my smokes and my lighter out of there, would ya?” Her eyes were glued to the screen. Jeopardy.

If it had been in my vocabulary yet, I would have let a big fuck tear out of my throat just then.

I had found the lighter when I heard the key twist in the front door’s lock. I dropped my aunt’s bag and ran to the door. I yanked it open before my mom even had a chance to take her key back.

“Mom!” I yelped.

She wrapped one arm around me as I threw my arms around her waist. “Oh, Emily!” I felt her dip and kiss my head. “I missed you!”

“I missed you too!”

“Honey, do you want to meet your little baby sister?”

I looked up at her like she had just offered me iced cream and a pony. “Yes!”

She smiled. She was so beautiful, especially when she smiled. “Okay, go on now, sit down on the couch and you can hold her.”

I tore off and dived into the old green couch. I twisted myself till I was sitting upright and started patting my thighs excitedly. “Bring the baby here!” I hollered.

My mom smiled as she sat down beside me. “Okay, now Emily, she’s still little so you have to be gentle with her.”

I nodded gravely. This was serious now.

My mom put the swaddled baby in my arms and adjusted me until my baby sister was safe.

“She’s so pretty.” I marvelled. Even at nine, I knew this baby was beautiful.

My mom laughed a little. “Yeah, she sure is. Haven’t seen a baby this beautiful since I brought you home.”

That made me smile. Later on I would compare pictures of the two of us as babies. I was definitely not as pretty, but that never diminished how happy I felt when I thought of my mom telling me this outright lie. Only a mother.

“Now, you’re so smart and such a wonderful daughter, I know you are going to be the best big sister ever,” my mom said encouragingly.

I nodded without taking my eyes away from this perfect baby’s face. “What’d you name her?”

“Julia.”

I nodded again. “Yeah, she looks like Julia.”

My mom laughed. I didn’t realize what was funny but I loved the sound of my mom’s laughter so much that I didn’t care. “You’ll help me take care of her, right?”

“Oh yes.” I said.

I wonder if my mom would have considered this promise I made to her at the age of nine horribly unfulfilled by what would happen to this perfect being only fifteen short years later.

A violent shiver rocked down my spine. It was cold.

“Fuck.” I muttered. I had fallen asleep in the park. It was still light out but the day was rapidly rushing into the evening. I had slept there all day.

I walked home slowly as I mulled over just how much Marley had reminded me of the first day I had met Julia. Both such pretty babies.