Emily's Seams

The four hour drive up to Appletown went by in a blur. The call I received that morning had been pushed to the back of my mind as I set myself on auto-pilot to make the trip up here.

As I stepped out of the beast of a car Angus had left me with, I wondered if I had crashed into anyone or anything along the way. I wandered around the front of my car just to make sure. No dents, no scratches, no wildlife pinned fatally underneath.

My palms started to sweat and my breathing suddenly became difficult. I felt as though I was about to pass out. I leaned against the warm hood of my car and waited a moment. My breathing slowed, the spots disappeared, but the sweaty palms were there to stay.

Stanley was no longer in the psychiatric hospital. He was in Appleteown’s general hospital, which was a small, compact, one-story affair. Like so many buildings on the coast it looked rundown from the drips of moss that dirtied up its exterior.

The receptionist directed me to the acute medical wing of the small hospital. It was to the left. That was how small the hospital was. If it’s really bad, go left. If it’s not so bad, go right.

The nurse greeted me warmly as she led me over to Stanley. I gasped as I finally realized which of the patients she was bringing me to, but she either didn’t notice or was too polite to chid me for it.

Stanley’s ear was bandaged, as was his left arm. His hair was sticking out in tufts amongst scabbed over bald spots. He turned to me and drunkenly smiled.

“Is he sedated?”

The nurse nodded. “Yes dear, absolutely.”

“Why?”

“Well, it was either that or strap him down. I guess when you get right down to it, there’s not much difference, but for him, this was the better choice. He lost some blood and hasn’t been eating. His body needs time to rest up after what he did to himself.”

I couldn’t look at her. “Okay, thanks.”

“Alright, now you just call if you or your dad needs anything.”

I nodded and took a seat beside Stanley at the window.

That morning they told me he had had an incident that was quite serious. He had been put into an isolation room where he had pulled his hair out. He then pushed past the nurse when she came by at night to check on him. He broke a window trying to escape, cut his arm, and then grabbed a shard of glass and had worked a third of the way through his ear before he was wrestled to the ground. I remember hearing the obvious fear in the doctor’s voice as he told me this.

I looked over at him again. He was still smiling as he looked out the window.

“Why’d you do this, Stanley?”

He looked at me slowly and shrugged.

I took his good hand and squeezed it. “You’re a fucking mess, you know that, right?”

He smiled again and nodded slowly but deliberately.

“I’m sorry. For what happened to you. This sucks.”

He nodded again. “It’s...okay. I’m...okay.”

I nodded and we both looked back out through the window. I stayed there until dinner time.

As I got up to leave him, he squeezed my hand affectionately. He still looked drunk, but his smile was sweet.

“You...were better off...without me,” he said purposefully.

I felt my throat tighten. I couldn’t say anything. Instead, I squeezed his hand in return and left.

As I slid into the front seat of my car, my whole body suddenly felt very heavy. It was an effort to get my bag open and check my phone.

There were seven missed calls, three voicemails and five text messages, all from Robert.

I didn’t bother listening to any of the voicemails. I figured the variations on Where are you? that filled my text message inbox were probably reflective of the voicemails.

I lowered my seat back and felt my exhausted body relax. Maybe I was better off without Stanley around. Maybe he would have been unreliable, or maybe even terrifying.

I knew I was going to fall asleep but I didn’t care. Robert would be on a plane to London the next morning, without me.

He was better off without me.

My dreams that night were incessant. Flashes of images bounced amongst short skits performed by the puppets in my mind, all of it having an unnamable flow to it, but being completely nonsensical at the same time.

Only one stuck with me in the early morning hours. I was walking up to a white table where Angus and Julia sat. They both had solemn looks on their faces.

As I took a seat at the table, Julia started yelling but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. Angus started in too. I tried to get them to talk one at a time but there was no use. They wouldn’t stop shouting until finally their calls began to synchronize and the words took on a lazy shape in my ears.

They were asking what the fuck my problem was.

I woke up with a start. I grabbed my cell phone and checked the time. It was three in the morning. The four hour drive back would put me in Huntsville at seven and then it would be another hour to the airport. I turned the key and the Oldsmobile roared to life. My flight was at nine-thirty.

I made the four hour trip back to Huntsville in three hours. The roads had been completely empty and dry. I pushed the speed limit by twenty kilometres an hour.

Huntsville was still asleep at six in the morning. I thought about stopping to pick up my bags and decided against it. Mr. Puggums was already with the landlady and, if she needed to, she could throw all my luggage away. I had my ticket and passport in my purse, it would be enough.

Robert had been forgiving of all my horrible treatment but I knew that this would be too much. He had a life to live and couldn’t be worrying about the next time I would decide to call it quits and ruin everything.

I’m not sure why, but I hadn’t thought to call him until then and the idea hit me as if I’d just conceived of the light bulb.

I was stopped at a red light at an empty intersection when I pulled out my phone and dialed Robert’s number.

“Emily?” he nearly shouted. “Where the hell are you?”

“I’m on my way. I’m...” I had no idea what to say.

“Em? Are you still coming with me?” His voice was so much quieter now, as if he didn’t dare push me too far.

“Robert, I can’t promise you that I won’t be a complete fuck up from time to time. I don’t want to be such an asshole, especially to you, but I just...”

“Em. Please, are you coming?”

I breathed out slowly. The lights had changed twice already. “Yes, Robert. I’m on my way.”

I heard him sigh. “I love you, Em. Call me when you get to the airport.”

I pushed away the tears that had been gathering. “I love you too Robert.”

I looked out the small window beside my coach seat. It was overcast today.

“Miss? Miss? Could you please put your purse under your seat?” the flight attendant asked urgently.

“Oh. Sorry,” I said as I tucked away my bag.

Robert smiled at me. “You’re being kind.”

I shrugged. “Not her fault that her job equates to being annoying.”

He laughed. He took my hand and squeezed. “I’m so happy you’re here.”

“You say that now. Wait until our passports get stolen or I drink too much and get detained. We’ll see how much we like one another then.”

“This is gonna be a great trip.”

I nodded. “I know.” Old habits were dying hard and I just about didn’t say anything else. “I’m so glad you came back.”

He leaned over and kissed me. “Me too. What can I say? I missed my psychopath.”

I punched him in the arm. “What? Maybe sociopath, but psychopath?”

He laughed and grabbed by fists. “Okay! Okay! You win! Sociopath with a side of anger management issues.”

I smiled as I sat back in my seat. The flight attendant looked at me.

“That bitch hates me.”

“Who? The flight attendant?”

I nodded.

“Yeah, probably. But you hate her too.”

“That’s true.”

We settled into our seats. Robert held my hand as the plane sped down the runway and lifted off the ground.

I knew this trip wouldn’t change my life. That was up to me. But it still felt amazing to lift up and off the ground, as if I could outrun old pains, even just for a little while. I was happy.