Emily's Seams

The lab’s fluorescent lights were harsh. One week off had been enough to make me notice all the infuriating things about the lab. Noxious smells, blinding lights, stupid grad students and an even dumber boss. My stomach tightened as I walked past Robert’s office, but the door was closed. I felt myself relax. He wasn’t in yet. He never closed the door to his office when he was in.

And I would have continued to appreciate that closed door except for the fact that he never came in that day. I thought about asking someone where he was but I just couldn’t. It would have been analogous to admitting that I missed him.

That night I came home to find Jude’s recliner empty and the television moved. Snuggled up together on the ratty old green couch were my aunt, looking surprisingly lovely, and Angus. A huge bowl of popcorn sat on their blanketed lap and they were smiling together at something on the television. Angus looked up and smiled.

“Well hello there. How’d it go at the lab?”

“Yeah, it was fine. How are you guys?”

Jude beamed. “Oh good, good. When we were out getting popcorn I saw some of those little jujubes that you used to like so much when you were little and got you a pack. They’re on the counter. Why don’t you grab them and come have a sit?”

I turned around and there on the counter was a bright green and pink plastic package, heralding the sweet bits of nostalgia within.

“Thanks, Jude. Uh, how much do I owe you?”

“Oh heavens no. I haven’t been to Bingo in a week, still have some money kicking around. You go on and take them, they’re for you.”

I almost started crying. “Thanks. I’m super tired so I’m gonna take a nap for a bit. I’ll see you two later.”

They both waved, the cowboy and the anorexic.

The next day at the lab was the same. The door to Robert’s office stayed closed.

“George!”

He stopped short and his shoulders visibly tensed. It was clear he wanted to run.

“Oh, hey Emily. How was your week off?”

“Where’ Robert? Is he sick?” I demanded.

George’s face looked like it had a big question mark drawn on it. “Robert? He’s gone. I guess you missed his goodbye email.”

Email? There hadn’t been anything from him in my inbox. I nodded and turned away from George. I heard him scuttle away as I sat back down at my desk.

I searched through my work email but there was nothing from him about leaving. I closed my account and then opened George’s. I had pretty much everyone’s passwords. I rarely used them, but today was an exception. Robert was gone and I had no idea where.

Lab mates,

After much consideration I have accepted a position at Dunnell’s lab in Toronto. I have learned so much from each and every one of you and will miss you all. Thank you for the support and encouragement these past four years and best of luck with your work.

Sincerely,

Robert

I sucked in a deep breath but it couldn’t keep this feeling away. My head was spinning and my gut felt like it was holding in a violent ocean. I stood up and stumbled towards the bathroom, but there was no way I was making it down that long hallway. I settled on the nearest garbage can and began vomiting, right in the middle of the fucking lab.

“Emily? Emily? Are you okay?”

It was Lynn. “Yeah, I’m fine.” No, I wasn’t. I coughed a few times and tried my best to spit out what was left in my mouth, but that’s a taste that doesn’t give up easily. When I finally stood up, Lynn was there with a cup of water.

“Thanks. “ I grumbled. The water felt amazing against my burned throat. I threw the paper cup in the garbage and began bundling it up.

Without a word, Lynn took the black plastic bag from me and finished tying it up herself.

“Go home, Emily. I’ll let the boss know you weren’t feeling well.”

I nodded, gathered my stuff and left. As I passed through the doors to the lab, I wondered if I could ever go back, knowing that Robert would never be there again.

I stayed in bed for the rest of the week. Both Jude and Angus brought me water and soup, most of which ended up being thrown out. It wasn’t that I was overwhelmed with grief and pain. I just didn’t give a fuck. There was nothing left for me. My baby sister was still dead, my father hated me and Robert was gone. I had nothing again.

I didn’t go back to work until the following Monday. A blond woman from admin was there, talking Lynn’s head off enthusiastically. I couldn’t remember her name but she looked like a Nancy.

“So we need to make people aware! You can see why donating is so important.”

Lynn smiled uncomfortably. “Yeah, it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that they don’t pay much here and I’m pretty broke...”

“One less meal out, skip a few coffees and ta-da! You’ve got your donation!”

I knew what Lynn made and there were already no dinners out. Maybe the occasional coffee, but I doubted that. She was broke all the time. But she was painfully sweet.

“Well, I get paid tomorrow. Maybe I’ll see what I have left over after rent...”

That was it.

“Hey, Nancy!”

The blond woman spun around. “Excuse me?”

“What’s going on here?”

Sensing another change-purse to shake, this Nancy-woman smiled and started in on her spiel.

“I’m going to fly to Maui in two months and hike Mount Haleakala to raise awareness for breast cancer.”

“Oh, so you’re taking Lynn with you?”

The Nancy-woman’s smile faded and she looked utterly confused. “No, I’m going. I’m asking Lynn if she would like to make a donation to my campaign.”

“Oh I see. You’re raising money for breast cancer research.”

The smile was back. “Yes! Exactly! And that’s just what I was saying to Lynn here, that it is so important that we continue to raise money and awareness for this important cause.”

“And you’re buying your plane ticket there?”

“Well, no, but that’s because I’m doing the fundraising and training.”

“So it’s like a reward?”

She smiled again. “Well, I guess so. No reason we can’t have some fun while doing these great things for mankind! Or should I say, womankind!” She laughed at her own, stupid joke.

I nodded. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I just don’t get why you have to go to Maui to do it. Don’t you think the money for your trip would be better spent on supplies for labs like the ones here? And as for the reward, are you aware that you’re hassling someone who regularly puts in eighty hour work weeks, trying to find treatments for people with all kinds of cancer?”

“Well, uh, it’s also about raising awareness.”

“I wouldn’t give you two cents to go on this joke of a fundraiser trip. Pass out the collection plate at your next Tupperware party and leave the below-poverty-line grad student alone, alright?”

I turned away and heard Lynn’s light footsteps quickly come up behind me. “Thanks Emily.”

I nodded. “Now get back to work. We’re not paying you five cents an hour to sit around.”

She giggled and hopped over to her desk. Being kind was exhausting, but throwing some lashing out into the mix made it easier to swallow.

The apartment sounded empty when I got home. I nearly pissed myself when I heard hacking coming from the bathroom. The door was open and Angus was there, leaning over the sink. He turned and looked at me as he wiped a trail of bright red blood off his chin.

“Jesus, Angus! What happened?”

His smile was tired and it was like he suddenly came into view. His cheeks had a sunken in look as if he never ate and his eyes were blood shot.

“Are you hungover?”

He shook his head and laughed a little. “No. I could be wrong but I think I’m dying. This feels awfully familiar.”

My gut felt like it had just dropped three feet. “What?”

“Look it, don’t tell your aunt, alright? I just... I can’t see why I’d get the second chance at this life, I must be dying.”

“Come on. Let’s get you to the hospital.”

He turned back to the sink and started rinsing the blood away. He took a few gulps of water. “I’ve got no I.D., no insurance. They won’t take me.”

“I’ll say I found you. They have to treat you. It’s like a fuck-aren’t-we-nice-law or something.”

The cowboy looked tired but he still chuckled. “Em, I don’t know why I’m here right now, but so long as I am, how’s about we make the most of it. If you haven’t already noticed, I’m sweet on your aunt. Just let me have this little bit of time.”

I would have said yes. The thought of my aunt being happy for once in her life made me surprisingly happy. And just because I had condemned myself to being alone didn’t mean anyone else had to be miserable. I wasn’t so heartless as to deny these basic truths and like I said, I would have said yes. But the phone rang.