Chasing Cthulhu (Urf Oomons #2)

So Salhuteck screwed us over with his dumb-ass. Reporting Lu for kidnapping an uncontacted, sentient being and then trying to rescind that report is suspicious as hell and was a red flag to the authorities. Especially since Sal himself has a reputation.

And our own bodyguards were actually bounty hunters. Totally scammed us into hiring them so they could wait until all of their marks, Sal, Lu, Seven, Ken, and all us humans were together. That’s cold-blooded. In a twisted way, I have even more respect for these blue lion-women now.

They’re trying to be nice now that they’ve captured us. Offering us snacks and stuff. Reassuring us that everything will be alright, and we’ll soon be returned to our planet and our abusers will pay for their crimes. It’s annoying because it’s so obvious that they have no idea what is going on. How could they have hung around with us on our ship and for a day and a half and still believe that we’re abused captives?

When Mandy worries about her babies being left alone, we get a sneer and a curse about ‘void-sent Homeworlder spawn’ and reassurance that two bounty-hunters are minding the ship, our pet, and our ‘spawn’ until this situation is resolved.

This is bad.

How are they going to resolve the situation? What are they planning to do with Mandy and Seven’s kids if he’s being imprisoned and we’re being returned to Earth?

When we arrive at a space station, Mandy, Shawn, and I are released from our individual crates and escorted directly to ‘the proceedings’. It’s a rather small room with a raised platform on one side with a long table on it. Behind a table, sit a bunch of serious-looking aliens. It has the same feel as a courtroom on earth, but smaller and less seating.

As soon as the first judge asks a question though, Mandy doesn’t even let him finish because she is freaking the fuck out.

I understand the feeling. Like, I’m worried about my dog, but Mandy has kids, helpless little alien hybrid babies that are totally defenseless.

She won’t listen or respond to anything. All she wants is to get back to her kids. She keeps saying so loudly, repeatedly, talking over everyone else.

I hear one of the aliens on this panel of judges mutter ‘felptrig spawn’. I don’t know what that means, Mandy sure seems to and calls him an ugly motherfucker which he takes as a very literal accusation.

The rude one looks like one of the villains from Star Wars. With spikes on his head, claws, and fangs. Instead of being black and red like the Star Wars character though, he’s white and mint green, with flat pearly-white eyes.

He’s an ugly bastard, inside and out.

The rest of the panel is made up of a mix of aliens. Cat aliens, lizard aliens, little fairy aliens.

And one giant woman with wings and horns.

‘You can’t keep us here you fucking alien bastards!’ Mandy is yelling. ‘Who the fuck—’

‘Female—’ one of the judges tries to interject.

‘Don’t fucking female me!’

The lion-woman judge motions toward someone behind us and it’s a lion-guy. She talks quietly with him for a second, then they both look toward Mandy and talk some more. Then lion-guy grabs Mandy’s arm and tells her he’s going to return her to her spawn.

‘Children,’ she corrects. ‘They aren’t fucking animals!’

He nods, murmurs agreement, and escorts her from the room.

That leaves just Shawn and me and this panel.

‘Shawn Christianson of Earth please identify yourself for the record,’ Blue Lioness judge instructs.

‘That’s me,’ he confirms.

‘And Gloria Navarro of Earth. Please confirm your identity.’

‘Yeah, that’s me.’

‘Acknowledged. You have both been remanded into the custody of this panel by the Intergalactic Order of Federated Planets in accordance with the Articles of Reconciliation. Here you will give testimony about the events of your abduction, your imprisonment, any abuse or assault you have suffered and who caused said suffering. You will then be escorted back to your planet of origin if you so choose. If you choose not to return to your planet of origin, you will be granted refugee status in all planets and guilds under the Intergalactic Order. Do you understand this process as I have explained it to you?’

Shawn and I look at each other. I don’t think he understands what’s going on any more than I do.

‘What about the right to remain silent?’ he asks politely.

‘Is this a right granted to Humans of Earth during legal proceedings?’ one of the judges asks.

Shawn looks at me, and I shrug. I’m not sure. I think it’s an arrest thing, not a court thing. But there is the fifth amendment. Like not being required to testify against yourself? It’s kind of the same thing?

‘Yes,’ Shawn says with confidence.

‘Then you are hereby allowed the right to silence.’

All the judges look at me.

‘I would like to report an abduction and name the one who is responsible for my suffering,’ I say.

Shawn looks worried. He probably thought I would be silent.

The winged judge makes a motion with her hand and says, ‘Please do.’

‘I was abducted from my homeship by agents of the Intergalactic Order of Federated Planets. I was emotionally harmed, insulted, and threatened.’

All the judges start grumbling at once.

‘Highly improper!’

‘Backward barbarian.’

‘The nerve!’

‘I demand to be returned to my homeship, together with my mate, Lu of Homeworld Two,’ I say loudly.

Then the whole proceedings break down and one of the judges attempts to dismiss everyone saying we’ll reconvene tomorrow, but I loudly object to that.

‘Where should we go until tomorrow? Are we still being detained or are you all going to return us to my ship?’

There is a chaos of alien languages yelling back and forth as all these judges start arguing with each other about whether we should be detained or not.

I interrupt loudly again, ‘If I am not being charged with a crime, I should be free to go!’

At that point, the lion-guy who had escorted Mandy away came back. He was instructed to escort Shawn and me to our ship, but then bring the ship to this station and escort us back to this room tomorrow. He was also told to ‘continuously read’ us, whatever that means.

I find out what it means when I’m thirsty and he brings me a drink without me saying anything. Then I start trying to think of ways we could escape and if we do how would I get Lu, Seven, and Ken back.

‘You cannot,’ the guy answers my unspoken thoughts. ‘And my name is Kenthack, not Lion-Guy.’

Kenthack is actually an alright dude. He doesn’t lock us up or make annoying-ass comments. Out of everyone we’ve dealt with today, he’s the okay-est. But I can’t forget that he’s also our jailer. Our telepathic jailer.

Shawn is quiet. Not talking with me or anyone. He’s taking this right to remain silent thing a little far.

‘So, Kenthack,’ I say. ‘What do I have to do to get all my friends released and the intergalactic order out of our business? Nobody has committed any crimes—’

‘What about when this one’s owner kidnapped you and held you captive?’ He points a clawed thumb toward Shawn,

‘That was a misunderstanding,’ I tell him. If he’s reading my thoughts, he’s aware of that. ‘And it’s rude to snoop through my memories.’

Kenthack huffs at me, but he looks—embarrassed? Have I struck a nerve?

‘Intentions do not matter. Accidentally kidnapping a sentient being is just as illegal as intentionally doing so.’

‘This is not evidence,’ I tell him. ‘You can’t violate someone’s privacy like this for the sake of prosecution.’

He nods and says, ‘That’s true. I am not going to testify about anything. Just letting you know that you are lying to me and yourself if you say that your friends haven’t committed a crime. Your Homeworlder friends violated the laws of their planet and the IOFP in their treatment of you and that other female.’

I search my memories. How have they treated us that is illegal? Is it the sex? Like, is interspecies sex illegal?

‘Please do not,’ Kenthack shudders.

‘What?’

‘Do not think of such intimate things.’

Oh, so he doesn’t have a choice about reading my mind. And he doesn’t want me thinking about—

‘Please, stop.’

Well, snooping telepaths deserve what they get as far as I’m concerned. I make it a point to remember and relive every intimate moment I’ve had with Lu. I haven’t had a ton. I remember the few sex partners I’ve had on Earth for good measure. Once I even had a threesome—

‘Humans are disgusting.’

I laugh evilly and work on remembering any porn I’ve seen. It’s not like I watch a ton of it, but—

‘Are all Earth-Humans so deviant?’ he demands.

This is fun. I keep it up for the rest of the trip.

When we finally make it home, there is some tension between Kenthack and the bodyguards/bounty hunters still occupying our ship. The first one we encounter hisses loudly at him. He does this snarl sound in return and spits. He spits on the floor right next to her.

Rude. What’s that all about?

I don’t waste time. I quickly show Shawn and Kenthack to guest quarters and then go find Mandy who’s hanging out with the kids and Peach in her room. It’s a strange experience because I’m used to Seven lurking around whenever I’m around his kids. It’s a thing with Homeworlders that they feel driven to ‘guard’ their young. It makes me kind of sad not to see Seven here guarding. And then I think of how Lu isn’t here on the ship either.

This sucks. We might not be able to get the guys back. What’s going to happen with them? Where are they right now?

I have a really hard time getting to sleep and it seems like I’m only asleep for an hour when we must get up and get ready to leave again.

Mandy doesn’t have to return, just me and Shawn. They probably don’t want her yelling the room down again.

The ‘proceedings’ are in a completely different room and circumstances now. The lion alien and the winged alien are the only ones here. They are sitting at a rectangular table waiting for us to join them. Shawn and I sit in the seats across from them. Kenthack leans over the other lion-alien and talks quietly with her for a moment, then leaves.

‘Good greetings,’ the winged-alien says.

‘Greetings,’ I reply.

Shawn maintains his silence.

‘We would like to discuss admitting your planet into the Intergalactic order—’

‘That’s a bad idea,’ I interrupt.

‘We have admitted R-Class planets before. Earth will not be harmed, I assure you.’

I laugh. ‘It’s not Earth I’m worried about.’

‘Oh? What is your worry?’

I lean onto the table and try to think for a second. Order my thoughts and plan what I should say. Then I just blurt out the truth.

‘Humans are a plague. I mean, an individual human might be nice. We might look harmless and adorable. But there is one thing that humans excel at and that is breeding. A single couple can have up to twenty kids. We’d hog all the resources and drive the rest of the galaxy to extinction if given free range. You don’t want to help humans leave Earth. Ever.’

‘But—’

I hold up my palm. ‘You need to rethink this. I’m sure Mandy will allow some kind of reconnaissance so you guys can learn about humans before you move ahead with any plans. It’s not my place to decide the fate of Earth, but you all need to really think about it before you try to open this can of worms.’

They look disgusted and it takes me a moment to realize that the phrase ‘can of worms’ must have been translated literally.

They wait in silence for a while, then nod.

‘We will reconnoiter Earth as you advise and revisit the issue of admittance later.’

‘Okay. Are we good to go? When will you release my mate? My crewmates?’

I’m pure bluster at this point, but they surprise me by saying, ‘Your crewmates are being released presently. All inquiries into the matter of your abduction have been suspended.’

‘Well, thanks, that’s great!’

‘Please relay this information to the other human. Since you will not be returning to your planet, you are automatically granted refugee status which you can maintain indefinitely.’

‘Okay.’

The winged-alien turns her attention to Shawn.

‘You can stay silent if you wish and be transported back to your planet. If you have other preferences, you will need to voice them.’

He blinks once and then replies, ‘I don’t want to return to Earth.’ He looks at me. ‘Can I stay with y’all for a bit?’

I nod. ‘Of course.’