Chasing Cthulhu (Urf Oomons #2)

We set up our meeting with Salhuteck and Shawn. Sal demands that we let him bring a whole gang of bodyguards on the ship. Maybe he suspects that we would consider murdering him outright?

I don’t know, but since I definitely am considering it, the bodyguards are kind of understandable.

Mandy countered that if he has bodyguards, we’ll need some too, and it will take us a day to hire them. he’d have to rescind his accusations because we wouldn’t have time to hire bodyguards, meet with Sal and then still show up before the Governing Body all within two days.

I was impressed by her gumption. Asking to drop the charges before we’ve even negotiated?

But he did! We even got confirmation directly from the governing body that Lu did not have to show up. They still want Mandy and me to show up in person to testify about our abductions though. She put that off for another two weeks.

In the meantime, we’ve put my plan into motion. I’ve decided that what we really need is good PR. Human stuff is super popular. A lot of the art that Mandy made, and Sal sold has humans in it and aliens are just charmed by how bald and soft and adorable we are. I’ve decided that being more present in the universe and actually interacting with all of these Earth-Human fans would be in our best interests. These aliens should know a little bit about humans before they hear all of Shawn’s Stockholm Syndrome slander.

Mandy had shown me the social media platform and it was nothing impressive at all. It looks like a very bare combination of Instagram and eBay. You can’t see any stats on it. There’s no way to tell how many views and shares there are and there are no likes. So, just comments.

The first video we do is the Hokey Pokey. I decided to start really simple to test the waters. the video is Mandy and me with matching outfits doing the right hand in, right hand out. Then Peach came in and danced around when we did shake it all about. Then Ken walks by and we try to get him to do right foot in, right foot out but then look down at his tentacles, we look at each other, and burst out laughing. Ken turns half of his tentacles purple and shakes them about.

That’s it. It was a lot of work to make it look casual when it was actually totally choreographed, but we pulled it off. And at the end of the video, I had Mandy say, ‘Comment to let us know if you want to see more videos!’

And then we included the file for Earth-Human-English with the video post.

It was a hit! There aren’t a whole lot of people on this intergalactic social media, but Ken says that pretty much anybody who leaves their home planet is on it.

We got a whole lot of comments asking for more human dance instructions. Ken had to translate all of them because they were written in a galactic-standard language and written language doesn’t translate with our ear-cuff translators.

Next, we did the chicken dance, teaching it to Ken and him exaggerating all of the moves with his tentacles. Then Gangnam Style and Macarena. At that point we were saving drafts to upload over the next few weeks. Surprisingly, Ken excelled at some of the dances. The Whip and the Nae Nae especially.

I’m really hoping that with all of this media exposure, evidence of us having fun with Homeworlders, and not being held prisoner, it’ll be harder for Shawn and Sal to spread their Stockholm Syndrome rumors.

This morning, Ken and I did a quick interview with Mandy as she painted a new mural. It’s a great big field of poppies with a sleeping Toto and an Emerald City far in the background.

Then Mandy talked for a moment about what she missed on Earth, like food and music. Would she like to go back to live there? No, never!

I’m glad that my experience with YouTube and TikTok is useful. Sometimes I don’t feel like I pull my own weight around here, but most of the work requires an implant to interphase with the ship.

The only concern I really have is that we could attract the wrong sort of attention by accident. Kind of like I already did back on Earth. When I think back about that now, I get so pissed. Those men’s rights activists managed to stay completely anonymous while they ruined my life. Zero repercussions for them. Well, except for the two Lu killed. That was a pretty harsh repercussion. On one hand, I feel bad about that. But on the other hand, anybody who is kidnapping and assaulting someone deserves what they get, right?

Anyway, I don’t want to attract any alien stalkers or kidnappers. I talked with Mandy about it, and she agreed to hire full-time security for our ship.

It’s been fun though. Alien social media is a clean slate where no trends have ever happened before. I’m trying to remember everything that’s come and gone on TikTok and Instagram. Everything that’s played out and boring is new here.

‘So, we need to set up a meeting area. We can’t use the cafeteria.’ Mandy says, like an hour before the meeting. We’re just hanging out in the storage bay riffling through the clothes.

‘What? Why not?’ I ask, holding a summer dress up to my body. It’s a little big, but if I belt it…

‘Because of the table. I wrote out our whole negotiation strategy on the table.’

‘Huh.’ Shawn is going to be there, and he can read English just fine, it is a concern. ‘Did you seal it?’

She nods.

‘Okay then, let’s go paint over it. We’ll remove the paint later and you’ll still have your notes.’

‘That’ll work! Let’s get going. I need to stop by my storage room to get the paint.’

I don’t pretend to understand why Mandy writes on the tables. Or why she wants to preserve the notes after she’s done. Creative types don’t always make sense, you know?

Two guards are following us everywhere we go. They are only following closely for today. When we don’t have company on the ship, they are just going to have one guard assigned to a security alcove.

The guards were a deal. Mandy was able to hire a whole pride. It’s a family group of those blue-lion-looking aliens. One male with a big bushy mane like earth lions and six women. The women are all tall, strong, and fierce-looking, but beautiful, too, with their sleek blue fur and big round ears on top of their heads.

I had assumed when I heard about their group that the guy was in charge, but he isn’t. One of the women, the oldest one, R’Feerah is the boss. We barely ever see the guy at all, he isn’t part of the guard rotation, and he just stays on their ship which has been traveling with us since yesterday.

I tried to include one of these bodyguards in our videos, but they all refused. They are not entertainers. I guess I can respect that.

By the time we get done painting over the notes on the table, Salhuteck arrives with Shawn, a personal assistant, and three bodyguards. Everyone in his group is a lizard-person type of alien except for Shawn. And Shawn is wearing clothes. It’s a kilt and a shirt that seems to be made up of wide straps crisscrossing each other. This is the first time I’ve seen him clothed.

Everybody greets each other with different versions of ‘Good Greetings’. On our side, it’s me, Mandy, Ken, Lu, and two of our blue lion-people bodyguards.

Then there’s an awkward silence. Our plan was to wait for Sal to make his demands and accusations first and then respond with counter demands and accusations. But he doesn’t say anything.

Finally, Mandy breaks the ice by asking, ‘What can we do for you, Sal?’

He makes a clicking noise, looks at Shawn who shrugs, then he asks, ‘What do you mean?’

Mandy straightens and replies, ‘You’ve slandered us to the Intergalactic Governing Body, made unwarranted threats and allegations. You had my friend here kidnapped.’ She gestures toward me. ‘I thought of you as an esteemed trade partner, Sal. I thought we had respect for each other. But now—I just don’t know. I want to put this all behind us, though. tell me what I can do for you.’

The whole time Mandy is talking, Sal’s tail is moving back and forth across the floor in an agitated display, but he waits patiently for her to finish before he responds, ‘I did not have anyone kidnapped—’

‘Yes, you fuckin’ did!’ I interject.

Mandy holds a palm up. ‘Let him explain.’

Sal continues, ‘It is a rescue operation. I run many of them and not just for humans. My agent did not expect an unaccompanied human to wander into the store. He might have reacted with haste—’

‘That’s a lie! Why not let me go home if it was a mistake?’

‘You never said that you wished to return.’

Mandy whips around to look at me all wide-eyed. ‘You didn’t tell him to return you?’

‘I—’ I think back. ‘I’m sure I did.’

‘I knew you were unhappy in our care,’ Salhuteck concedes. ‘But Shawn told me about the Stockholm Syndrome that human victims suffer at the hands of kidnappers. I assumed you needed time to recover.’

I shake my head at them all. ‘This is all getting twisted. My translator was stolen. I was suffocated, then transported, changing hands three times with people who I couldn’t understand and who didn’t seem to understand me. Then he,’ I gesture to Shawn, ‘told me that you gave me to him as a gift. You took my clothes—’ As I’m speaking a tentacle has wrapped tightly around my waist and I feel Lu crowding against my back, growling.

Sal turns to Shawn and asks, ‘You told her this?’

‘It’s what you said,’ Shawn answers flatly.

‘I certainly did not!’

‘You said, ‘Thr’shteff brought her. She is for you.’’

‘To care for! To help! Not to own!’

‘Shawn,’ Mandy interjects. He looks toward her. ‘Are you living with Sal willingly?’

‘I…’ He shakes his head as though clearing it. ‘Well…’ He can’t seem to answer.

Mandy turns to Sal.

‘I have heard you called a slaver many times. I equated this word with what Seereechees do and what humans have historically done to each other. The word ‘slave’ is loaded, and it never jived right with yours and Shawn’s situation. I’ve seen you offer Shawn opportunities to leave your household.’

The atmosphere in here keeps getting tenser.

Mandy continues, ‘Tell me plainly. What do you plan to do with the humans you ‘rescue’? If you aren’t enslaving the people in your care, why the leashes, chains and collars?’

Sal’s tail is lashing back and forth with force now and his assistant must move back and give him room.

‘I plan to give rescued humans sanctuary in my home. The same sanctuary I offer any beings in my care. That is what the adornments you are describing mean, that the individual is in my care and their well-being is my responsibility. It means that their actions are also my responsibility.’

I look at Shawn who is staring at Salhuteck, mouth agape.

‘Is that how it is, Shawn?’ I ask, disbelieving.

Shawn starts to shake his head, but then we all notice a hazy fog rising from the floor. What the—

Our bodyguards all have masks that they are fastening over their muzzles, covering their noses and mouths. Only our bodyguards, not Sal’s.

I feel Lu slide away from me, his tentacle falling from my waist. Ken and all the lizards are sliding to the floor as Mandy, and I look at each other.

This is an attack. It must be the knock-out gas that doesn’t affect humans.

I look at our bodyguards who at least were smart enough to have those masks, but instead of looking around to figure out what is causing this, where the threat is coming from, they’re looking at Mandy and me in a very focused way.

Then they grab us. Christ, these bitches are strong. I’m just snatched up and thrown over a furry shoulder. My screams, kicks, and punches have no effect as I’m carried to a shuttle and tossed in a crate.

Dammit to hell, I’m being kidnapped again!