Black Blood

I swallow audibly, not knowing what to say. I am not going to tell the boy next to me that I am the abused, married off and rightful Crown Princess. It’s too bizarre for words to arrogate these titles to myself. The feeling that I am a crown princess was taken away from me ages ago, will never return. The abuse has become a given, something I have become accustomed to. I have the feeling that the forced marriage will follow me, something I am not yet rid of.

Apart from these three things, what am I? Broken? Mentally broken? Starving? I lost sight of myself ages ago and have no vision of ever finding myself again. I am one of the last three Night Riders, I can say that with certainty. That is perhaps the only title I dare give myself, the only one I believe. My name no longer feels like mine, nor does my body. I will never be able to wash off Christiaan’s hands completely, never be able to get his moans out of my ears. I have come full circle, falling further and further into the depths. I may be out of the castle, but the memories will keep me going back to that time for as long as I live.

‘Earth to Maria.’ Maria, I had almost forgotten that I had given myself that name. Will there ever come a time when Novak learns my real name? Our worlds are more different than he realises. He doesn’t know who he’s talking to and something in me tells me he does. Since my arrival, he has asked nothing of me, no explanation or action. Is that normal or just the understanding he is trying to show, his ignorance perhaps.

‘Lost.’ My answer is like a pincer to a pig. If someone were to give me this answer I would call him crazy, it is so obvious and cliché.

I don’t dare look at Novak. My eyes are on the grass, between my fingers I pull a blade of grass from the ground. I am a wreck who cannot even tell the truth about the things that have been done to me wrongly, about the hell I have survived. If you can even call it surviving.

‘Uuhm lost.’ Novak repeats my imbecilic reply, letting it roll over his tongue as if it were a gulp of water. I pull a new blade of grass from the ground, let it roll between my fingers. This is how I feel, a blade of grass pulled from the ground, away from the only thing it knows.

I am lost in my own head and the world I never thought I would get to know. Now that I am in that world, the world I have so longed for, it feels stranger than I could have imagined. It feels like I’ve unlearned all the normal ways of life and have to figure out how to talk again.

‘That doesn’t explain your injuries, your dragon’s strange behaviour and the fact that you lie about your name.’ I look at him as if I see water burning. My lies are certainly not watertight, but I should have expected to be able to keep my name hidden.

Only later does his second point come in, which is Rave’s weird behaviour? Why did he bring me to a vampire clan in the first place? He could have flown so much further. That beast has always had its strange habits but there is no way I can logically explain this one.

I am staring at Novak with my mouth full of teeth. I can’t find the words or the new lies. Novak’s gaze slips away from the campfire and settles around my face.

‘I’m fine if you don’t want to tell me your name, if you don’t want to tell me what happened to you, but what you looked like when you arrived tells me enough to know you weren’t just lost. Your ankle is bruised and your face is full of bruises. This is someone else’s doing and I don’t know if you did something to deserve it or if you are a victim, in any case I don’t judge either option.’ He seems to read me like I’m an open book. Again, I am at a loss for words and pull out the umpteenth blade of grass.

Suddenly Novak stands up beside me. I hesitate to look at him, wondering why he has stood up. I keep looking straight at the ground and am ashamed of my lies. Would it have been better if I had told the truth right away? Had I at least mentioned my real name? Honestly, I have no idea. I have no idea at all what is normal. My father has told me that honesty is always the worst option, that it makes you weak. Weakness is the greatest crime you can commit and a mortal sin you pronounce upon yourself.

‘Come, you must be hungry.’ As if he has turned the first page of the book and is now at the part of my emotions he reads me again, or is it a simple assumption? In any case, he is right, I am almost dying of hunger.

However, I cannot hide my surprise when I realise that I am in a vampire clan. Do they have normal food here or do they expect me to drink blood? At this point, I might not even care.

‘I’m not a signpost.’ I look at Novak with a shocked expression and only then do I see his outstretched hand. In doubt I take his hand and let myself be pulled to my feet, something that happens so fast that I almost fall over. Novak is just able to grab me by my side to keep me upright.

‘Sorry, I didn’t realise how hard that was,’ he mumbles. I stare uncomfortably into his blue eyes, which are deep and beautiful with a hint of grey in them. His dark brown eyelashes almost touch his skin because of the curl. His cheeks are marked with a single scar just below his right eye. His skin is almost ivory, yet he does not look unhealthy. I dare not say that he is attractive, for I do not know what attractive is or what it feels like.

I almost forget that his hands are on my hips the whole time. Novak is staring at me just as I am staring at him. His eyes shoot back and forth across my face, linger on my eyes for a moment and then go to another place. My heart starts beating faster as soon as his hand moves towards my face. His fingers reach for my cheek but I don’t give him the chance.

Quickly I take a step back. Novak’s arms fall like strings along him. His eyes look surprised. I try to think of something to quiet the awkward situation.

‘So, food?’ I say a little too abruptly. Novak looks at me in surprise and doesn’t seem to realise what I just said. He quickly runs a hand through his dark blonde hair and seems to recover himself

‘Uuhm yes food,’ he mumbles